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Original poster

Am I a Muppet?

45 replies

Gumboot · 27/02/2004 12:35

I feel so silly, I overheard dp talking over the internet last night (I was in bed and he was in spare room) and I heard him say 3 very strange things the 1st was "you know I like to watch" then he said "hello sailor" followed by "bye baby"

We weren't talking all night due to a minor problem earlier in the evening, I went to sleep but those words are still bugging me, who the hell would he be saying bye baby to?

I didn't talk to him this morning b4 he went to work as am still cross about last night - I was in mid sentance when he just walked off upstairs and turned on his pc! Whilst I was cooking dinner for him! So I had a bath and bathed dd then put her to bed and as I went down stairs he went up and I didn't see him all night!

Also I stayed at my mums last week as it was half term and dp stayed here, he was due to be seeing a friend at the weekend but when I called him on Friday evening he said that his friend had cancelled and that he was going out with some other friends of his, he could have come up to my mums to see the children but said that as he'd had a rough week at work he just wanted to go out. He also went out again on Saturday night and didn't come to pick me and the children up until quite late Sunday.

This week his mobile phone hasn't left his side, normally he'll leave it on the side to charge but it's gone everywhere with him - even to bed.

Am I going mad? Would you be suspicious if your dp/dh was behaving like this.

OP posts:
doormat · 27/02/2004 12:45

Gumboot I would be very suspicious if my dh was acting like that but that is not to say that he is doing something wrong, it could be all innnocent.
Cant you go on to the history to see what he has been on or check his emails that have been sent.

What I cant get over is the fact that he can go out on the weekend and yet you stay at home with the children.Sorry I dont know your full cicumstances and how many children you have but
I think you deserve a night out either with your friends or with your dh every so often.
You too deserve a break and a night out.
HTH
xxx

dottee · 27/02/2004 12:55

Oh Gumboot - hate to say this but yes I would be very suspicious. I think it's pointless at this stage in giving you a long list things to do/look for but I think the priority is to re-establish communication between yourselves (any chance of getting a baby sitter and going out with dp for a nice meal?). Or, if he goes off to his PC why not take him a cup of coffee and ask 'anything interesting?'

I've been there and it wasn't nice. I got angry when in retrospect I should have tried to stay calm (and cunning). We're now divorced.

Best of luck! Look after YOURSELF! It may be something and nothing but it's best nipping it in the bud rather than letting silence get in the way.

Original poster
Gumboot · 27/02/2004 13:02

Right then checked his e-mails and nothing sent or received that's in the least bit dodgy but did find out that for some reason he has a quick link to hotels in our local area? Can't even think why.

I'm not the over emotional type so staying calm and collected should be easy for me, I'm confused more than cross but I will take your advice and try talking to him tonight about anything other than his weird behaviour.

Now I think more about it there have been a few other things that maybe add up, he's recently started using hair gel to work, chewing gum (which I hate) and using some industrial strength mouth wash, buying some new clothes - usually I have to buy everthing or he'd go out looking like Worsel Gummage (sp).........

OP posts:
Fizog · 27/02/2004 13:04

Yes, hate to agree but such a sudden change in behaviour does sound sus to me.

I agree that you should check the history of the computer and try and grab a look at his phone. It sounds liek it's a relatively new thing and probably the first time (otherwise he'd be more clever about it).

I think people who have had affairs soon get wise and rather than start taking there phone everywhere they just keep the memory nice and clean - or get another mobile etc

If he told you he went out with a specific person - next time you see that person mention that night - the answer's not the important thing, watch their reaction. Do they look uncomfortable/phazed/confused/bewildered/blank...

I guess what I'm trying to say is do a bit of digging before jumping to conclusions but do the digging quickly.

Fizog · 27/02/2004 13:06

Sorry posts crossed.

Does he have an instant messenger that you could check?

I take it you've checked the history of websites viewed?

Original poster
Gumboot · 27/02/2004 13:11

The only strange thing I can find on his pc now I've thought about it is that the history of using MSN or Virgin talk isn't there at all. Not even in the recycled bin, also I know that he was playing some game and that's not there either.

OP posts:
beentheredonethat · 27/02/2004 13:16

I agree, do the digging, figure out if you think there is someone else then go to your partner with proof. My husband had a number of affairs, and it was a different situation as he was working out of town, so it was very easy to conceal what he was doing. I am very emotional, and when I finally broke into his e-mail account I got through one line of an e-mail before I woke him up and started yelling at him, he then erased all the e-mails and denied ever meeting anyone, he said it was just online. Everything didn't add up to me but he had very good excuses. 4 months later I intercepted an e-mail from a woman who was very upsetting writing about "we had a sexual relationship and then you just ignored me" and to cut a long story short, he lied to me. And now I wish that I had better proof as I still do not know to what extent he was unfaithful and with how many woman. I would suggest getting a key strokelogger(do a google search) and also on any im he may have going in and setting it to record all chats.

Galaxy · 27/02/2004 13:18

message withdrawn

Galaxy · 27/02/2004 13:21

message withdrawn

Fizog · 27/02/2004 13:25

Just thinking if he's got a website of local hotels - you could check to see if any of the links have been clicked (they change colour) and also keep and eye out for any of the numbers appearing on your phone bills (his mobile and house number).

Does he 'work late'? try calling his desk phone when he's supposed to be 'working late' or try calling his mobile when he's 'going for a quick beer after work'

Also go out on your own, get a babysitter and arrange to go out with a friend - tell him you'll be back around and go home an hour later. See how he reacts... if he accuses you of being with someone else then I'd take that as another sign.

doormat · 27/02/2004 14:07

Gumboot have you checked the temporary internet files

WideWebWitch · 28/02/2004 05:58

I agree, all very suspicious.

dottee · 01/03/2004 12:19

Gumboot - any update? I've been thinking about you this weekend.

Original poster
Gumboot · 01/03/2004 13:18

I don't know where to start about this weekend tbh, we talked (although not about my suspicions) just a general where is this relationship heading and both agree that atm we don't talk enough - by we dp did agree that it is him who doesn't talk.

When asked why, he said that he just doesn't know and that he's an asshole, also that perhaps it would be better to finish it all now so that he can stop making me unhappy. I don't see how that would make me happy?

We are going to move house so that I can be closer to my family and get some support so that we can start to go out together again, moving house doesn't happen overnight and neither of us could come up with a short term solution to get us through until we move.

The reason we haven't moved closer to our famlies b4 seems to be because dp doesn't want to leave his friends, this isn't imo a very good reason. You see I've told him heaps of times that I'd be happier living closer to my family as where we live now has terrible medical care and lously schools, I've found it difficult making friends and still wouldn't consider any of the other parents I know to be my friends. Most of them are very cliquie and just don't need anymore friends and so don't tend to invite me and my children anywhere with them or even over.

His friend came over to finish up my website on Saturday so dp spent all day with him "helping" more like just avoiding me then they went out and got back around about 4am neither of them got out of bed until late and dd only just made it ontime to her friends birthday party.

Dp didn't even think that I'd mind him going out all night so didn't feel it necessary to ask me if I minded.

Part the way through our discussion on Friday night he had a bath and got dressed to go out, he said that he just wants to have fun but also that he does want to be part of the family. He didn't go in the end but I said that if he did he'd return to find his stuff out side and that he could just piss off for good and have fun.

Perhaps he's right perhaps he is an asshole?

Thank you if you managed to read through this muddled up message.

OP posts:
Janstar · 01/03/2004 13:25

Gumboot, we all like to get out from time to time but you were right to pull him up on Friday, he is taking the p**s!

At least he did the sensible thing and didn't go. Perhaps he knows he is asking for too much.

It doesn't sound as if either of you is enjoying being together very much and it seems he is seeking escapism elsewhere with his outings, friends and computer.

Could you go to Relate? They are very good at helping you talk to one another. Perhaps you could start to identify what is missing for each of you and rediscover what attracted you to one another in the first place?

Original poster
Gumboot · 01/03/2004 13:28

Some evenings he barley says 3 words to me and I explained to him that it's like mental torture when the only adult conversation I've had that day was at the school gates and even then for 20mins all day

He finds the things about me that he used to love now irritate him. He also thinks that if we do seperate over this then I'll take him back regardless The worst thing is he's probly right.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 01/03/2004 13:37

He may be right, but keep that to yourself. I think he's being very unkind to you. Yes, he wants to go out. But you don't seem to get that chance either, unless there's something I've missed. Ever suggested he stays in and puts dd to bed while you go out (you could go to the cinema on your own even if you don't feel like meeting up with anyone)or is that reeeeeally stupid?

Easy · 01/03/2004 13:46

Gumboot,

how old are your children? before you became parents did he realise your lives would change, that social life tends to take a downturn for family life?

Has he always been a bit feckless in his fathering, or is it just recently that his attitude has changed?

If he's just changed, then it might indicate something untoward, tho' not necessarily an affair. Maybe new stresses at work, or a new younger colleague makes him feel like he has to 'strut his stuff' to prove he's not getting stuck in a rut.

You do need to talk, to ask him why he needs to go out till 4 a.m., get him to assure you how he feels in your relationship. Also, is he awarte that you are P*ssed off by his behaviour, or does he just assume you'll put up with it, cos you have till now.

Hope you can sort this out

I'd be wary of doing too much 'spying' too early tho'. If he's not seeing anyone else, it could make him feel like he might as well.

aloha · 01/03/2004 13:53

I'd be suspicious, and furious. Where the hell does he go until 4am? How dare he just piss off and leave you alone night after night. why don't you put the house on the market and move home yourself and he can have his horrible friends?
I'm sorry, but it makes me so angry that someone can treat his family like this.

CountessDracula · 01/03/2004 14:03

I'm with Aloha on this one. Sounds like he is pleasing himself at the expense of everyone else and needs a kick up the arse.

Tell him that you suspect something and that you will be keeping a close eye on him. At least he won't enjoy himself knowing that you are breathing down his neck!

motherinferior · 01/03/2004 14:27

I should have put things a bit more strongly, shouldn't I, since I totally agree with everyone else!

Original poster
Gumboot · 01/03/2004 14:33

After Friday night and our discussion I just don't see what I'm fighting for, it seems to me that he'd rather go out with his friends as and when he feels like it.

At one point I told him that he could leave now if he wanted to but he said that it was his house and he was going to stay regardless but if I wanted to go and take the children then I could just so long as I got someone else to pick us up

The thing is where am I meant to go? I don't have any family who would be able to put me and both my children up and no money to do anything else.

I got the impression that he wants me to leave him, he didn't realy do anything or say anything to make me stay.

Most of the discussion was spent with him not saying anything whilst I ranted about how unfair he was being, all I ended up sounding was pathetic "I just want you to talk to me" being the main phrase that I ended up over using.

He said that I annoy him by trying to talk to him, so I guess that he'd rather live in silence, on Saturday b4 his friend arrived he didn't say even 1 word to me, when his friend got here even though it was MY website that was being done I had to look after the children as dp certainly wasn't going to so now I've had no say in what it looks like and tbh dp hasn't even shown me it.

OP posts:
Crunchie · 01/03/2004 14:37

Next time he is out until 4am, make sure you send your kids into him when they wake up, and keep doing it every 10 mins until he hauls his a**e out of bed. Fine Go out, but it should affect the next day with the family unless you've agreed.

I have to resort to this most Sunday mornings, not because sh has been out late, but because he is a lazy sod. I just make as much noise as poss, I have resorted to hoovering, and send the kids in on a regular basis. It has worked (eventually) as sometimes he will get up before me and turn teh TV on for them (then crawl back to the pit! - it's a start!)

Crunchie · 01/03/2004 14:41

Gumboot, messages crossed. Actually what I would do now is organise someone to come in an change the locks! Stay in the house, and let him come home from work to find his stuff outside. Check where you stand legally on this though as I don't know if you are married or not? If not you wouldn't have the right to do this.

Original poster
Gumboot · 01/03/2004 14:44

That would be not married.

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