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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a Muppet?

45 replies

Gumboot · 27/02/2004 12:35

I feel so silly, I overheard dp talking over the internet last night (I was in bed and he was in spare room) and I heard him say 3 very strange things the 1st was "you know I like to watch" then he said "hello sailor" followed by "bye baby"

We weren't talking all night due to a minor problem earlier in the evening, I went to sleep but those words are still bugging me, who the hell would he be saying bye baby to?

I didn't talk to him this morning b4 he went to work as am still cross about last night - I was in mid sentance when he just walked off upstairs and turned on his pc! Whilst I was cooking dinner for him! So I had a bath and bathed dd then put her to bed and as I went down stairs he went up and I didn't see him all night!

Also I stayed at my mums last week as it was half term and dp stayed here, he was due to be seeing a friend at the weekend but when I called him on Friday evening he said that his friend had cancelled and that he was going out with some other friends of his, he could have come up to my mums to see the children but said that as he'd had a rough week at work he just wanted to go out. He also went out again on Saturday night and didn't come to pick me and the children up until quite late Sunday.

This week his mobile phone hasn't left his side, normally he'll leave it on the side to charge but it's gone everywhere with him - even to bed.

Am I going mad? Would you be suspicious if your dp/dh was behaving like this.

OP posts:

Clarinet60 · 01/03/2004 22:45

Sorry gumboot. Just wanted to send my sympathies, it sounds like hell.

WideWebWitch · 01/03/2004 23:26

What is wrong with these selfish men? Sorry, I know that's not constructive but he is really selfish. And he doesn't sound as if he's making nearly enough effort tbh. Sympathy.

motherinferior · 02/03/2004 08:25

Hell is just what it sounds like.

If you leave, the children will be entitled to financial support. I'm sorry, I'm not very good on this area. I do think he is being quite monumentally selfish and horrible. I'll try to be more coherent later - just wanted to add my hugs too.

handlemecarefully · 02/03/2004 09:01

Gumboot,

He is being a total pig towards you. Go and get some advice about your legal entitlements - its best to be prepared.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you when you obviously still have feelings for him

Original poster

Gumboot · 02/03/2004 09:05

Another silent night I tried to talk but got a few humphs and a couple of yeahs, I just feel disapointed about his behaviour today. I seem to be going from realy angry about it all to feeling realy sad and that perhaps it would be better to just leave.

Dp was flitting between being cross with the children to playing rough with them and getting them over excited to telling them off for being over excited!

OP posts:

aloha · 02/03/2004 09:56

Do you rent or own the house? Do you do paid work? How much does he earn? He will have to pay you maintenance if you split. He is being downright nasty to you and you do not deserve it - the kids deserve better too. I'm really, really sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

Gumboot · 02/03/2004 10:08

The house is in dp's name and he only earns about 22k, I don't work atm but am hoping to return when ds is going to nursery (next year). The bit that I don't understand is why is he being so horrible? I keep thinking that maybe I've done something that I can't remember.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/03/2004 10:33

My guess is that he's being horrible because he wants to be. He might suddenly give you a 'reason' of something you've done, but he's doing this because he feels like it.

Don't let him push you, either into leaving if you don't want to, or into taking him back if you don't want to do that. In the meantime, see what you're legally entitled to.

spacemonkey · 02/03/2004 10:52

Only just caught up with this, just want to send my sympathies to you gumboot, your dp is acting like an utter c**t. It makes my blood boil for you. Hugs.

aloha · 02/03/2004 11:29

You do need to see a solicitor. Normally unmarried partners have no rights to the family home, but recent case law has meant that in some cases the children have an entitlement which means partners can sometimes stay in the house, but this is all very new. Have you paid towards the house - eg paid the mortgage, or paid for repairs etc? Your position is quite weak I am afraid if you aren't married compared to that of a wife. It sucks, doesn't it?
Agree with Motherinferior. He's being nasty because he wants to. It's not you. He might even have a woman on the side and hopes that by being nasty to you will leave and he can then feel martyred instead of guilty for doing this to his partner and kids - guilt isn't a pleasant emotion to feel so people do all sorts of awful things to make themselves feel in the right. If by being nasty he can make you upset, he can justify his own behaviour by saying 'Oh, she's always nagging me' etc. Do you think he is seeing someone else still?

Original poster

Gumboot · 02/03/2004 11:47

I don't know if he's seeing anyone else, it would explain his recent changes in the way he dresses and being attached to his mobile but on the other hand he may have just decided that he no longer wants to dress like a reject from a charity shop, and that after ds and dd have destroyed 2 phones that he wants to take better care of this one.......

I've decided to go to CAB and see if they can give me some pointers but tbh I don't want to stay where I am living, I want to be closer to my family and get the support that they can give to both myself and my children.

Dp obviously only wants to be part of the family when the mood takes him or when he has nothing better to do so what's the point in us living somewhere that only suits him so he can pick us up and drop us as and when?

OP posts:

aloha · 02/03/2004 11:50

Good for you Gumboot. Get the advice you need and live where it suits you. I think your attitude is brave and smart.

motherinferior · 02/03/2004 11:58

Good for you.

And do remember about the nastiness. It's so corrosive and horrible to deal with, I know.

CountessDracula · 02/03/2004 12:58

Gumboot this may sound a bit drastic (and may be a v stupid thing to do, I have never done it but maybe other mumsnetters have and could give you advice). Could you find out if there is a hostel for families somewhere near your parents, turn up there and then the council may arrange housing for you quickly as you are homeless?

Original poster

Gumboot · 03/03/2004 08:22

Well here goes, I'm going to stay with my mum for a few weeks - until dp can get his head around us moving house, decide that he misses us, actually look for a job inbetween going out I don't see that he'll have much time for doing this but we'll see.

It seems so final He didn't even protest but did offer to give me and the children a lift over to my mums as I didn't have anyone to pick us up..........

Thank you all for your support at what has been a truely terrible time for me and my family, I'll hope to keep you posted but as my mum has yet to hear of the word internet and www it may take some work

OP posts:

motherinferior · 03/03/2004 08:34

Best best best of luckxxxxxxxxx

WideWebWitch · 03/03/2004 09:40

Best of luck from me too. Can't you take the computer?

handlemecarefully · 03/03/2004 10:07

Gumboot

Sounds sensible to put some space between you. All the very best - you're being really brave and decisive!

Original poster

Gumboot · 03/03/2004 10:39

He won't let me take the pc, I do feel swizzed in this though he gets the house, the car, all electical and valuble things and get 2 suitcases and 2 children - I love my children dearly but how come he gets everything else?

OP posts:

secur · 03/03/2004 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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