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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just want to write this down ( not expecting many responses)

37 replies

CalculatorCalculator · 02/12/2013 13:16

I have been married for 20 years and in that time DH has always had a problem with drink. He drinks until he falls asleep each Friday. When we were both younger we had very big rows, I have never had a problem verbalising and I should not be thought of as a wall flower in anyway.

He is a good person 6 days a week usually. When he is drunk, I know not to press his buttons, I leave him to it and we don't interact all evening. Reason does not prevail when drunk. I had a friend over to stay, she lives quite far away and came for the weekend. We went out for a few drinks, we were quite drunk. It was Friday so DH was drunk at home having fallen asleep in the chair. I came home and put on the radio, I wanted to have a bit of background noise. This is something I wouldn't have done if I were sober. DH then woke up and threw the radio from where it was perched on top of the fridge. He didn't throw it at me, he just threw it to break it. He said some swear words quite loudly and I was really embarrassed in front of my friend.

There have been 2 incidents of quite serious physical abuse, no punching more pushing, choking, threatening hair pulling over 10 years ago. I did the classic thing, I left and came back. we went to counselling and he to anger management

Since then, there has been odd occasions, he threw a chair about 5 years ago and broke the window.

Usually drink related, until last night. It seems that drink related I can compartmentalise as not really being him, but last night there was a miscommunication over picking up our grown up child from the station. He was angry and flustered as he had been waiting for half an hour at the wrong station. I understand these emotions. When he returned home, I told him that the pick up was another station and he called me a 'dickhead' along with about 30 seconds of abuse. He later apologised to me.

He phoned me about a personal matter 10 minutes ago from work. he could not speak in an open office but I could not hear him as I think he was cradling the phone in his neck whilst typing, I told him I could not her and he immediately turned on the angry/quietly seething voice

I don't know what I am asking. I don't know what answers I am expecting. I am not going to LTB, Remember I am not a wall flower, I can hold my own in an argument. He is usually the nicest man 6 days a week.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 02/12/2013 13:20

There will doubtless be others along with experience but all that springs to mind regarding his alcoholism is the 3 Cs: You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure it. Only he can, and if he isn't willing to, I wouldn't want to remain married to him personally. The abuse alone is more than I'd stand for. If you really want to stay together he needs to seek help. The abusive behaviour seems to have started coming out when he is not drunk, which makes me think he is showing his true colours and you would do well to take care... Sad

ouryve · 02/12/2013 13:21

As far as the drinking is concerned, if he had anything about him, he'd know to stay off the drink if it makes him so angry and aggressive.

How would he react if you asked him why he was being so angry? Would he acknowledge his own grumpiness or blame you? Or something else?

MadBusLady · 02/12/2013 13:22

I think you're probably only going to get LTB responses. Nobody is going to congratulate you for "holding your own" in exchanges with a violent alcoholic as if that in any way represents a desirable relationship pattern, or reassure you that being a nice man 6 days a week is enough.

I will confine myself to observing that "anger management" courses seem to be one of the most inappropriately used and evoked psychological tools of the modern era.

I hope this won't put you off continuing to post, it's good to have an outlet.

cjel · 02/12/2013 13:23

Wallflower or not what does that matter? are you suggesting other abused women are weak and unable to handle themselves? But you are not and therefore can cope with this loving 'nice' man who chokes you abuses you and throws things if he doesn't get his own way.

If you are going to do nothing about this then just live with it!!!

CailinDana · 02/12/2013 13:25

Have you talked to him about giving up alcohol?

Original poster
CalculatorCalculator · 02/12/2013 13:32

How would he react if you asked him why he was being so angry? Would he acknowledge his own grumpiness or blame you? Or something else?
He would apologise and admit it, but change never follows

I am offering a realistic picture of myself rather than making a value judgement on others cjel.

I have talked to him about alcohol more regularly than I would like CailinDana. I am often in the position of negotiating or monitoring. I hide spirits away from him weekly.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 02/12/2013 13:34

I'm not sure what you expect people to say! If you are hoping we will come along and tell you this normal, then I can only tell you it's not normal for me no.

I grew up with a father that was a drinker and would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat, and it was no fun at all from a child's pov, and my mum tolerated it because she felt financially he held all the cards - she was no wallflower either.

If you were independently wealthy and could leave tomorrow, would you? I find most of the time the answer is yes, most women stay with abusive partners because they feel the alternative is worse.

Blossomflowers · 02/12/2013 13:35

I sympathise calculater I am in a similar situation. Been with DP 20 years, when sober his a nice person, when he drinks he seems to have a personality transplant, though had never been violent, until last weekend. Don't know what to advise really, other than clearly he needs to stop drinking like my DP if you want to continue the relationhship

MadBusLady · 02/12/2013 13:36

You are enabling him.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/12/2013 13:41

I don't think it is just a drink problem. I think he sounds awful. He called you a dickhead when he got muddled over collecting your son. He got angry when he couldn't hear him in the phone at work. He sounds like an angry arse to me but you want to be with him and what can we really say to that??

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2013 13:43

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you determined not to leave this man?. He is and has dragged you down with him.

Why are you together at all now, on some level I daresay some emotional needs of yours are being met by him and this. You may have even grown up seeing similar from your parents. You have had twenty years of this though, do you not think that this marriage should now end?.

Anger management is never effective when it comes to such issues either; all that you have done to date as well is prolong the agonies for all concerned.

Wallflower or not you have played and continue to play the roles of provoker (simply by talking and negotiating unsuccessfully), enabler (drinking with him, hiding spirits) and codependent (there are often elements of co-dependency within such dysfunctional relationships) to perfection with unfortunate and predictable result. None of what you have tried and continue to try has worked.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 13:48

Why are you posting ?

Are you hoping just one person will validate your choice to stay with an abusive man, and that will make it ok?

It's not ok

Anniegetyourgun · 02/12/2013 14:01

Either the behaviour is spilling over into sober times (like Dr Jekyll when he overdid the formula) or he is no longer confining the drinking to Fridays...

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 02/12/2013 14:03

Can we ask why you say you don't want to leave?

Some thoughts from me for what they're worth:

There was a recent MN blog post you might find interesting, sorry I can't find it atm but the blogger was writing about how she thought she could not be suffering domestic abuse because she was a strong woman, and was too clued up (she had worked with victims previously). But eventually she realised this did not mean she could not be experiencing abuse, and indeed that this belief was stopping her from acknowledging it and being able to act on that realisation. Maybe hunt it out?

I also think if someone repeatedly gets away with something while they have the "excuse" of being drunk, surely that will eventually normalise it for them (and show them there are no consequences) - so, no surprise if they start showing similar behaviour when sober, if it gets them what they want (whether that is getting you to do what he wants, or just being able to take out his feelings on you).

There's also the element that he doesn't "need" to be violent regularly now, as he's already shown you what he might do if you step too far out of line Sad Now he can just use a tone of voice, or smash an object instead, to remind you to get back in your box...

Finally I would take choking extremely seriously, it's one of the most dangerous forms of violence, though I'm sure you know that.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 02/12/2013 14:15

You've pre-empted, really by saying in your title that you're not expecting many responses and just want to write it down. Are you suggesting that you're not in the market for listening to any advice? What you have with your H is very far away from being a fully functioning relationship. For many people, just one of those incidences - chair throwing, choking - would be enough to get out. If you have no plans to LTB and are keen to point out that we remember you are no wallflower, what are you expecting people to say? Well done for staying? Why are you hiding spirits from him - surely you don't think this will stop him from drinking? It won't.

Original poster
CalculatorCalculator · 02/12/2013 14:26

No. Just feeling sad, a bit vulnerable and wanted to tell someone.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 02/12/2013 14:33

Do you really want to stay with him 100% or just can't imagine leaving? Do you feel like staying would really be better than leaving?

Hugs if u want them, it's horrible being sad in a relationship and you're being treated badly.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 02/12/2013 14:34

I really don't know what to say. If you were my friend IRL I would be begging you to leave him. He no longer needs to be drunk to abuse you, it seems to be escalating and I would be very very worried for your safety :(

AvonCallingBarksdale · 02/12/2013 14:34

OK. Sorry if my post read harshly. I think it's tricky because I can't see this situation changing at all unless you instigate a change, and you sound like that's not on the cards at the moment. I'm not surprised you're feeling sad and vulnerable - it sounds like a horrible set-up, knowing that that's going to be the reality every Friday night. What was your friend's reaction to the radio throwing?

tinmug · 02/12/2013 14:44

I don't know what I am asking. I don't know what answers I am expecting. I am not going to LTB, Remember I am not a wall flower, I can hold my own in an argument. He is usually the nicest man 6 days a week

It sounds to me like you are experiencing a dawning realisation that you are in an abusive relationship and you are (understandably) having trouble reconciling that with your previous, long-held views of your relationship, your husband, and yourself. It also sounds like you had a mental image of what a victim of domestic abuse was like (weak, cowed, doormat), and you're finding it very difficult to apply that label to yourself because you don't fit that mental image.

Lavenderhoney · 02/12/2013 17:34

What's he like on Saturdays? As you say 6 days a week he is lovely and for one he is not.

And hiding drink from him- so does he drink all week but Friday night is binge night? Does he know you hide his booze? He is an adult, if he wants to drink himself into a stupor he can, but it doesn't mean you have to manage it.

It takes more courage sometimes to leave than stay. How do you feel, knowing Friday nights will be like this, and Saturday he is asleep hungover or just really grumpy til he has another drink?

Did you discuss it all with your friend? I do feel for you, my df was an drinker and my dm was very isolated as was I, a children's party with a drunken aggressive df pretty much put a stop to any friendships as quite rightly, mums didn't want their dc at our house.

Would he stop drinking? For you? And for himself?

Original poster
CalculatorCalculator · 02/12/2013 21:09

Fine on Saturday
does not touch drink except Friday night
Saturday he is not hungover
I did not discuss it with my friend
No he would not stop drinking as he does not see one night a week as a problem.

OP posts:
something2say · 02/12/2013 21:13

Sweetheart x

I think the main thing to say at this stage is for you to get away when he is like this. If he will be like it, then you have to be the one to get away from it.

You say you are strong and I don't doubt that for a second. What I am alluding is to the damage he is still inflicting, and I don't like it for you happiness. So get out. Get a bag packed and have a friend on standby. When he starts, go. Xxx. Are you able to get in touch with a dv unit local to you for some support and a proper plan?

Lweji · 02/12/2013 21:23

Listen, if he has tried to choke you, one day he may well kill you.

Do you want to risk it?

It only takes one day.

Lweji · 02/12/2013 21:49

You may not be a wallflower, but I wonder about your actual self esteem, if you are willing to put up with this behaviour, in particular one that may harm you seriously or kill you.

I have a strong personality, also wanted to believe the best on exH, but I left soon after the second bout of DV. More exactly when he made a serious threat. He sounded drunk, but that is no excuse for abusive behaviour. It only reveals what's truly inside, and in your case it's a violent nasty man.

Walking away is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary.