Just want to write this down ( not expecting many responses)

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I have been married for 20 years and in that time DH has always had a problem with drink. He drinks until he falls asleep each Friday. When we were both younger we had very big rows, I have never had a problem verbalising and I should not be thought of as a wall flower in anyway.

He is a good person 6 days a week usually. When he is drunk, I know not to press his buttons, I leave him to it and we don't interact all evening. Reason does not prevail when drunk. I had a friend over to stay, she lives quite far away and came for the weekend. We went out for a few drinks, we were quite drunk. It was Friday so DH was drunk at home having fallen asleep in the chair. I came home and put on the radio, I wanted to have a bit of background noise. This is something I wouldn't have done if I were sober. DH then woke up and threw the radio from where it was perched on top of the fridge. He didn't throw it at me, he just threw it to break it. He said some swear words quite loudly and I was really embarrassed in front of my friend.

There have been 2 incidents of quite serious physical abuse, no punching more pushing, choking, threatening hair pulling over 10 years ago. I did the classic thing, I left and came back. we went to counselling and he to anger management

Since then, there has been odd occasions, he threw a chair about 5 years ago and broke the window.

Usually drink related, until last night. It seems that drink related I can compartmentalise as not really being him, but last night there was a miscommunication over picking up our grown up child from the station. He was angry and flustered as he had been waiting for half an hour at the wrong station. I understand these emotions. When he returned home, I told him that the pick up was another station and he called me a 'dickhead' along with about 30 seconds of abuse. He later apologised to me.

He phoned me about a personal matter 10 minutes ago from work. he could not speak in an open office but I could not hear him as I think he was cradling the phone in his neck whilst typing, I told him I could not her and he immediately turned on the angry/quietly seething voice

I don't know what I am asking. I don't know what answers I am expecting. I am not going to LTB, Remember I am not a wall flower, I can hold my own in an argument. He is usually the nicest man 6 days a week.

I expect quite a few of the 2 women a week killed by their partner thought they were being "strong" by staying and confronting violent behaviour head-on.

Op, if your friend was staying for the weekend, didn't she mention it or want to discuss it with you at all? You were taking quite a risk with him having a friend staying on a Friday night when you know its his drinking night.

I don't understand why you hide spirits - who is buying them and why is there a stock? Would he drink during the week? Also, if he gets very heavily drunk then surely he wouldn't be up with the lark and not hungover- unless he drinks more than you know and is used to it.

Does he accept he is an alcoholic and a dangerous one? Do you? Is there anyone you can talk to in rl or do you just think they will advise you to leave, if he won't stop drinking..

Do you want to continue to have to be strong, hide booze, cover for him, tiptoe round him all week and Friday nights make damm sure you don't annoy or disagree with him just in case he kicks off and chokes you?

Lets not blame the victim ladies. Or explain how we are better. Lets support her where she's at x

I'm very concerned for you OP, because he could actually kill you, even without meaning.
I'm concerned also because you're confident you can handle such a man. You can't.
Going away when he's drunk is no solution. It's bad patchwork.
Hiding bottles and trying to control his drinking is no solution either.

He has to recognise he has a problem and he has to sort himself out. You cannot be part of the solution because you'll be the controlling baddie and you'd be held responsible for his failings.

You need to think of your safety.

And you may need to work on yourself to understand why you are still there. Look into co-dependency

I'd say nothing if he was a happy or even just pathetic drunk. But he's violent and dangerous.

I cannot stress enough the need for you to get out

Lost the first part of my post.

It's not victim blaming. It's reassuring you, OP, that it's ok to give up on him and leave.

Partners of dangerous men should never be advised to stay or how to control them while living with them. Unless as a get out plan.
The only safe option is leaving.

Do you want to live in fear every Friday? Having to leave the house to stay out of his way? That's no life.
What if he drinks another day and you're not prepared?

By staying we are only digging ourselves into bigger and bigger holes.

By leaving he may have the wake up call he needs to stop drinking. But I'd still stay away, because the drink is revealing his inner self of anger and violence. It's not good

Sorry, it's not what you wanted to hear, and in truth I don't expect that you'll do anything now or even consider it as a real possibility now, but I hope it will start the realisation foe you that you can be safer and you should be safer. You're definitely worn more than to be afraid of the person you're living with.

Worth more, sorry.

Definitely worth a lot more.

You've fallen into the trap of thinking an alcoholic is someone who drinks every day. Not so. An alcoholic is someone with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, whose relationship with alcohol causes them problems in their life.

In addition he seems to be escalating, and the abusive behaviour is no longer confined to 'just' when he's drinking (not that that makes it okay).

I would consider going to Al-Anon to get yourself some real-life support for his drink problem. You are very deeply in denial about this - the fact that you didn't talk to your friend about it when she had witnessed it, the fact you are hiding spirits, negotiating his drinking - which doesn't tally with your statement that you just leave him alone on a Friday night to get on with it.

You should talk to someone in real life. Addiction thrives on secrecy, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Talking to someone may be the first step on the road to your own independence from the problem, even if you choose not to leave.

OP he doesn't see turning into an abusive, revolting drunk once a week as a problem? It must be torture having to look forward to this every week and I'd be angry as hell that he won't do anything about his alcoholism. The man is an alcoholic and isn't admitting it to himself. Andd you're in denial too.

Tell him his drinking is making your life hell. And tell him you're going to get some support - agree totally with tribpot.

To answer a few questions
The choking incident was over 20 years ago ( information not excuse)

Did not discuss with friend, it was a stupid risk on a Friday night (agreed)
Spirits are not usually in stock, and they are mine.

I do not tip toe around him all week (just Friday from 8pm)

He does not see this as a problem. I have enabled by managing and negotiating the situation (agreed).

Thank you for your comments and concern, I know how frustrating it is to give advice to someone who will not listen, but know that it has been useful for me.

it was a stupid risk on a Friday night

It's your house, why should it be off-limits to visitors every Friday?

Do you hide the spirits to stop him drinking them in the week? Would it be easier just not to have alcohol in the house?

It would actually be easier not to have an aggressive drunk in the house.

He most certainly does have a huge problem, that as I read it, will only get worse as time goes by. Alcohol & violence needs to be addressed by him now.