my husband soils his pants

[Ensalata]

Hello,
I hope it is all right to post on this topic. I have looked elsewhere and not found anywhere appropriate, and feel that maybe others might be able to shed some light on what has become a very dark situation. My husband, with whom I have 2 lovely children, has soiled his pants with faeces for many years. This means that he ofen smells. It usually is only a little bit, but the other day it went though his trousers, and that felt like a final straw. I have talked to him about it many times, to which his reply has sometimes been that he sees it is a problem and wants to change it, at other times he has suggested that I am making too much of a fuss about it. Today he became angry and said that he saw it was a bit of a problem, but not as much as I was making it out to be, and not one that would end a marriage. He has not sought professional help at any point and has become angry with me for suggesting it. I'm pretty much at my wit's end with this. In the context of some of the terrible things that happen to people it may not be the end of the world, but it is very difficult to live with. Has anyone been in this sort of a situation, or have any words of wisdom? I would be very grateful.

Do you know why he does it? Is it a physical problem? I would struggle with this and be concerned! Occasional skids okay full on poo not okay. Sounds very tricky!!!

I bet he is mortified OP.

Sounds like some sort of faecal incontinence which is probably easily treatable. But he needs to go to the doctors first.

I feel really bad for him, its embarassing. He does need to see a Dr, and you are right to push him to do it, for both your sakes.

It sounds as if he may have IBS - some people with it have diarrhea and it means they can't control their bowels too well. Or if it's gone on since childhood he may have some anal sphincter problem that needs an op.
Poor guy- he needs to see his GP.

He needs to see a doctor, because it could suggested something serious, unlikely, but maybe, and look at his diet, he may not be able to evacuate his bowels properly. he might need more fibre in his diet.

Does he actually knowingly do a poo in his pants, or is it skidmarks, or has he got some bowel problem where he can't control his poo?

If it's the latter, then you really need to encourage him to see a GP - he does need help.

as someone else has said, severe constipation can ironically cause leakage of non-solid poo around compacted poo. He needs to go to the dr even if he is embarrassed.

Is there any possibility he could have ulcerative colitis? When mine was acute I couldn't go on the tube as I had to go to the loo with no notice.

I have IBS and triggers mean that i cant always control my bowels as Ivy says.

Seeing a doctor is a must, because it must be awful not being able to control it, tell him your just worried something is wrong and it needs to be checked for his sake.

If he won't address the issue then tell him he must take care of his underwear himself. Any that is left for you will be bagged up and put in the bin.

Put moists on the shopping list for him to clean himself and put a bag of nappy sacks in the toilet so he can bag them up and put them in the bin afterwards.

He really should address it though. Does he wipe after using the loo.. its been known for some people not knowing they should (an embarrassing bodies episode springs to mind)

Does he work with othe people?

Agree that this is not normal and he needs to see a Dr about it. A friend of mine specialises in continence issues and she says most are easily treated but most people are too embarrassed to seek help.

I've had to see doctors about vulva and anal ezcema, that was so embarrassing but i could not live with that itching and it went on for 6 months before it went away.

10 mins of embarrassment is better than a lifetime of suffering in silence.

Not a problem that would "end a marriage"? Was he the first one to use that phrase, op? If so that might be a fairly clear indicator of what he's scared of. Some people get paralysed between two fears (embarrassment at GP's vs marriage ending) and get angry when pushed towards one or the other.

I feel for you. It must be horrible for all parties concerned. That being said, he needs to stop procrastinating and just fucking go to the doctor. At best it's fixable (which means many happy years lie ahead) and at worst it is an indicator of a life-threatening disease (which means the remaining time is too precious to spend feeling angry towards each other).

It might be necessary to stop enabling his avoidance of the issue, horrible as that sounds. Withdrawing supportive behaviour might be the most helpful thing you could do as it forces him to deal with it.

I agree my ds has coeliac disease and he can't control his bowel sometimes. My dad has divitculitus (or something that's sounds like that) and he sometimes soils his pants. My mum doesn't mind as he cannot help it. He really needs to see a doctor for this.

he could use panti liners as a stop gap meantime- my dad used to use them when his piles were bad and bled a lot.

Thank you... I didn't expect so many responses, and I'm very grateful. He doesn;t work with other people at the moment, but he has done and will hopefully shortly do so again very soon. He was the one that used the phrase 'end the marriage' in this context, though to be fair we've been having tricky times so it wasn't totally out of the blue. I think, MumofYuck, that you may be right about biting the bullet and stopping the enabling behaviour, however scary as I guess these things always are as I don;t know what the consequences will be. Thanks again, for all the advice.

Variegated there are plenty of more appropriate items easily available - which will be much more comfortable for him

But trying to sort out the cause is more important

It's easy for me to say though; hard for you to do (physically and emotionally). It sounds like the situation can't continue as it is so something has to change.

There are 2 problems here:

1. The soiling - which can be caused by a variety of things.
2. His personal hygiene.

As a sufferer of IBD I have occasional experience of 1 -but have no probs with 2 as I immediately clean up and change underwear. Absolutely no one expect dh and my consultant have any idea.

On a related subject I am having to force dh to undergo medical tests for an embarassing but pot serious medical issue at the moment. Men can be hugely reluctant to speak to doctors (dh just burries his head in the sand and last night I ended up screaming at him when he suggested postponing the (long-awaited) scan and investigation cause it clashed with a work meeting).

Would he like it if you regularly smelled of shit?

Please don't tell us that you are cleaning his underpants and trousers after each time.

Have you had a very frank conversation with him where you have said the words:

'I love you but I am finding this situation very difficult to cope with and I need you to deal with it. I appreciate it is your body but if something like this was happening to me I am fairly confident you'd be worried about me and want me to get checked out. I'd be scared if it was me so I can only imagine how you feel.'

You might well get a shrug and disavowal of any worries fibber but I think it might help if the words have been said. Of course you've probably already said all this but I thought I'd repeat it just in case.

Or maybe a letter to the same effect would have more impact, because then it can be re-read. Is he the sort who will minutely dissect a letter and argue with word meanings? My DH does that

It must be uncomfortable for Him to keep sitting in it, does he not get nappy rash ?

My son used to try and hide it as he Was ashamed, now he sorts himself out, changes his clothes and puts any of his knickers ina. Special wash basket purely for this.

It could be severe constipation, which actually causes leakage, whatever it is he must go and see the doctor. How can he expect you to just accept it because I don't know anyone who could. Until he pulls his head out of denial mode then it will just carry on and there's no need.