my husband soils his pants

[Ensalata]

Hello,
I hope it is all right to post on this topic. I have looked elsewhere and not found anywhere appropriate, and feel that maybe others might be able to shed some light on what has become a very dark situation. My husband, with whom I have 2 lovely children, has soiled his pants with faeces for many years. This means that he ofen smells. It usually is only a little bit, but the other day it went though his trousers, and that felt like a final straw. I have talked to him about it many times, to which his reply has sometimes been that he sees it is a problem and wants to change it, at other times he has suggested that I am making too much of a fuss about it. Today he became angry and said that he saw it was a bit of a problem, but not as much as I was making it out to be, and not one that would end a marriage. He has not sought professional help at any point and has become angry with me for suggesting it. I'm pretty much at my wit's end with this. In the context of some of the terrible things that happen to people it may not be the end of the world, but it is very difficult to live with. Has anyone been in this sort of a situation, or have any words of wisdom? I would be very grateful.

Hi, I have been to the doctor in the last couple of weeks due to incontinence which has been ongoing since the birth of my 2nd child but has recently gotten worse. It is humiliating, it stops me doing certain things, it has started to really impact my life. I was dreading having an internal exam but the doctor was really nice and reassuring and it was pain free and quick. I have been referred to a specialist which I am dreading but the doctor pointed out that this type of symptom is highly unlikely to resolve itself and can only really get worse, best to nip it in the bud. I'm only 29 and I find it really embarrassing but I don't think it's as severe as your husband's. I suppose I'm just trying to say that he really should get it checked out, it must be awful for him. But that's no excuse to leave his shitty pants for you to clean, especially if he's doing precisely nothing about sorting the problem out. I can only tell you to be firm and sympathetic, although I would imagine my partner wouldn't be terribly sympathetic if he were left to clean it up. I hope he gets help, it's a huge weight off my mind just to know I've started the ball rolling getting it looked at!

My nephew has Encoporessis which has been present since he was a child. It causes the same issue as he has no awareness when his bowel is over full.

You DH needs to see a GP for further advice and referral if needed.

Men are notoriously private about health problems particularly ones such as you mention OP. If he won't discuss it then write a letter outlining your thoughts and concerns for his health, hopefully that way he can read it a few times and the message will sink in.

It sounds like he is unable to sort this out himself so you should try to support him. Make the appt at the doctors yourself and give him a note of the day and time. Say that you will go in with him and explain the problem but then leave so they can discuss the treatment without you. If he is going in the room with you he can pretend that the appt is for you if he needs to. The Dr will probably only want to take a history and won't do an internal without your DH's consent.

Do you know anything about his bowel habits? Is it something you have ever shared? ie discussing constipation or upset tummies?
Many people who leak are constipated in fact and their colon is bunged up but allows some poo to 'escape' round the edges. Do you know if he spends hours in the loo- or eats badly maybe with not enough fibre or fluids?
Might just give you some ideas.
But as others have said, worst case it could be colon cancer- otherwise likely to be IBS and/or sluggish bowels.

He is clearly upset otherwise he would not have mentioned it as a 'marriage breaker'. I think rather than express anger or disgust you have to wear your 'concerned' hat and give him all your support and encouragement to see his dr asap.

The very least that needs to happen is for him to have a separate wash bin to the rest of the family and start doing his own washing.

It sounds as if he's in denial a bit which I can sympathise with but really, he expects you to wash his shitty trousers and pants?!

Doesn't he change himself straight away after doing it? That's just lazy and horrible to expect you to do it.

Hi OP, I had a similar problem with a lover. though to a lesser extent. I should've told him as he wasn't aware. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3820431-Tell-me-some-disturbing-wrong-things-about-your-exes-maybe-lighthearted

Sexually it was unpleasant.

IMHO, that your husband is aware of the problem and doesn't go to the doctor is virtually a mental health issue. Yes, going to the doctor about something like that would be embarrassing, but surely not as embarrassing as wandering round smelling or poo or filling his trousers.

It implies he has some mental health or neurodevelopmental issue which makes him less concerned about people's views of him, and less concerned about other's comfort (especially yours.)

Zombie

Spoke to my DP about this. He says that where he worked, on his feet all day etc many of the men were just lazy (his words!) And when getting itchy down their due to being hot and sweaty etc, rather than go to the toilet and actually tend to their personal hygiene, they'd just stick their finger up their bottom, scratch their bottom through their trousers thus causing these issues.
He works in a mainly male environment and airs and graces go out the window so they often talk about these things as a bit of banter etc.
If your DH is too lazy to address his health issues by contacting his GP or reaching out for help etc then he needs to know it's no longer acceptable in your home, especially with two impressionable children around.
Whilst there maybe many reasons for cr*ping himself including prolapse, incontinence and even neurological issues, not attempting to reach out for professional help as an adult ever is definitely not acceptable.
I wonder if it might be an idea to suggest he talks to his dad or other male relatives to see if he's had this issue even as a child and how they supported him with this before.

Again.... Zombie ....OP ain’t coming back!!!

I agree with a pp regarding him having a problem that’s not his fault, however what is his fault us not doing anything about it ie going to the docs etc... or changing himself as soon as it happens.

Also it’s not very nice for you. It’s not like he’s bed bound and can’t get about that’s very different. How off putting for you that your husband doesn’t seem to give a toss. My DH has IBS and but he’s never spiked himself and if he did then I would be very put off him I’m afraid.

Omg this was 7 years ago.... 😳 waste of 10 mins of my life relying

Yes my husband shitting himself would be a deal breaker... If he refused to try and do something about it

Thanks for the reports about this thread. It's a zombie one - the OP posted it back in 2013 so hopefully this issue has been resolved by now...

We're going to close the thread so it doesn't keep being reactivated by trolls (looking at you, lostsole691)