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Original poster

Mum and dh over christmas

28 replies

Newcurtainsplease · 01/12/2013 23:22

My mum lives around 8 hours drive from us and we have agreed to spend 4 nights with her over Christmas. And it's already stressing me out. Dh has asked me to talk to her about 2 things before we go. Firstly her tendency to ignore our kids (8 and 6) and go OTT when my 2yo nephew is around. Secondly she likes to take charge of parenting our kids and even us at times. So things like staying 'dh I am sure you want some wine to drink rather than the beer that you have chosen' and 'ds you need to go and blow your nose ' when he is 8 and dh and I haven't said anything.

These little things are things that I am used to my mum doing and although very annoying, I just put up with them. But I can see that they really upset dh so will talk to mum. But how do I say it without hurting her? And making her really upset?

I really don't think we are going to all get along and 4 nights is a very long time but what else do you do when you live so far away?

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 01/12/2013 23:29

Go for two nights?

I agree, favouritism between DGC is not on. And the 'directions' about what you should choose rather than what you have actually chosen must be very annoying. But it might be easier to tackle these things when they crop up rather than try and address them in abstract iyswim.

Ime a lot of DMs have their maddening idiosyncrasies and putting up with them for a few days isn't too hard. In fact spotting them and keeping count can be mildly amusing. Is your DH a good guest and son in law? I wouldn't like him dictating to me about what I should say to my DM.

BackforGood · 01/12/2013 23:46

I don't think you can dictate to your Mum what she can / can't say in her own home either.
If your dh is not adult enough to be able to bite his tongue for 4 days, then he needs to decide his own response... so, with the wine, he could easily say something like "No, I'm an adult now and really, really am able to make my own choice of which drink I'd like thank you". Can't see why anyone would have a problem with a grandparent reminding a child to blow their nose if they haven't worked out for themselves they need to do it Confused. Obviously you've only listed a couple of things, but if that's the level of 'annoyance' you are talking about I really can't see why anyone would be "really upset" by that.

Original poster
Newcurtainsplease · 01/12/2013 23:57

Interesting thanks. I think he should be able to bite his tongue. But he says I should be supporting him because 40 year olds don't usually have to spend 4 nights in their mils tiny house. And I should challenge mum when she says something. Which I guess I should do but I never really notice it.

I like the humour idea and trying to turn it more into something funny.

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 02/12/2013 00:09

He should be able to fend for himself for 4 days on trivial things like beer and nose blows, but is not being unreasonable in asking for support when your mother impinges on major family things. Put yourself in the situation if it were your MiL to decide which of your DMs requests are unreasonable.

Personally, I'd get very sharp and short after a day or so if my MiL fawned over other GCs and ignored mine, and that would be the last visit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2013 07:27

She is not just being annoying here.

She does not care at all about hurting you people and causing ructions within your own home though. You've been trained here by her to put her and her needs first and even with a family of your own you still do so. She is also showing favouritism (this should also not be at all tolerated by you) towards your nephew thus damaging this relationship between your children and him permanently. If she cannot behave decently then she should not see any of you at all.

Would you put up with a friend doing this?. Your mother is truly no different.

Why was a 4 night stay agreed at all given your mother's behaviour towards you all in the first place?. I presume you meekly agreed to her demands. These 4 days there sound like another version of hell on earth frankly and your DH certainly has a point.

Problem here is that your mother has never been properly challenged and you've grown up to think of all this as normal. It is patently not.
You should not put up with your mother who keeps undermining your choices all the time; she basically thinks that neither of you are capable enough to look after yourselves let alone be parents. Its very disrespectful to you. Trying to see humour in what she is doing to you will backfire and make you feel worse; this is not at all funny no matter how much you play "oh here's her phrase yet again".

I would suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth and pay a visit also to the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

LucyLasticKnickers · 02/12/2013 07:35

tbh i dont think christmas is a time for challenging people.
peace and goodwill.
just laugh about it and be merry.

DeckSwabber · 02/12/2013 07:38

I think you need to challenge things there and then rather than try to say something in advance. If you have a row before you get there it will be awful!

Probably best to think of some strategies in advance - look out some local activities you can take your kids to if things get tense, or plan a Christmas walk, or ask your mum to babysit so that you and husband can go out for a meal.

Bradsplit · 02/12/2013 07:38

DH is being a twat

Bradsplit · 02/12/2013 07:42

My mum a bit similar. H needs to just be stronger. My BIL once told my mum to wind her neck in. We gasped. She got the message.

LucyLasticKnickers · 02/12/2013 07:56

can you surely go for less days.
go on masochist !! interesting autocorrect. christmas eve.
return the day after boxing day.

FreckleyGirlAbroad · 02/12/2013 08:02

I have been having the exact same problem with problems between dh and dm but in our house as they stay when they visit as we live in different countries.

Dh told me to have a word with her about similar issues (making decisions for me etc) but I felt it was easier to deal with in the moment rather than making it into a big issue. She has a way of making jokey comments which rub people up the wrong way but I don't notice cause she's my mum and I can take it on the chin. But dh decided to answer back and she's stopped doing it now. On fact, her last visit she was different altogether Smile.

I think if you let things carry on she will never learn and never change. We sometimes have a tendency to revert back into our original roles of child/parent when we are with our parents and they find it hard to realise you are an adult/parent now and the dynamics have changed.

If your mum has any sensitivity, a quick comment from you or dh in the moment will be effective and less confrontational than a proper "talk".

SatinSandals · 02/12/2013 08:12

Just challenge her each time in a pleasant, non confrontational way. e.g he just smiles and says 'no thank you, I don't mix beer and wine'- if pushed further say it makes him feel ill. If it is DS leave it to him if he is 8 yrs, he could say something like 'yes, I know' and ignore- if pushed look surprised and say 'yes I will in a moment'.
I wouldn't make a big issue beforehand, just take it lightly at the time with the jokey answer. I appreciate that as stranger I would find it easy, whereas you are too close.
You could just smile and say in a very friendly way, 'I am not 12 any more, you know ' and change the subject.

friday16 · 02/12/2013 08:34

My mum lives around 8 hours drive from us

Christ. With two small children?

LucyLasticKnickers · 02/12/2013 08:41

age 8 and 6, it is very doable imo,by car.

Original poster
Newcurtainsplease · 02/12/2013 09:24

Thanks very much. I think I am going to speak to her beforehand about the favouritism and then deal with the other comments when they happen. I so wish my mum lived nearer. We wouldn't have the problem if she lived a couple of hours away and we could stay for 1 night. As it is we are all wound up after an 8 hr drive which makes every little thing a lot worse.

OP posts:
friday16 · 02/12/2013 10:00

I so wish my mum lived nearer.

Is it because she's moved away from you, you've moved away from her, or a bit of both?

Original poster
Newcurtainsplease · 02/12/2013 10:03

I moved away to go to university when I was 18 and then got a job in my university town. 20 years ago I didn't really think what that would mean for the future!

OP posts:
friday16 · 02/12/2013 10:41

Going by train would be a great deal less stressful and, with a family and friends railcard, almost certainly cheaper as well. Remember: running a car costs between 2x and 3x the cost of fuel.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/12/2013 11:00

A 40 yo man ought to have the social skills necessary to deal with the situation politely at the time.

The favouritism is a bigger issue and affects your DCs, so it is up to you to stand up for them and change that.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/12/2013 11:07

Btw 40 yos frequently do have to spend time in small houses with their Pils. What is he talking about?

What I find odd, is that someone who expects other adults to behave like reasonable, considerate, grown up people, also expects his wife to facilitate his social interaction with another adult.

He's actually in a much better position to challenge her, gently and politely, than you, precisely because he's not been brought up by her.

Helpyourself · 02/12/2013 11:17

He needs to answer for himself. It would be ridiculous for you to intervene on his behalf.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 02/12/2013 11:21

This thread is a little strange. If it was the OP's MIL, everyone would be saying that she ought to get her dh to speak to his mum ...

I think stock phrases are useful. "I can make my own decisions, thank you" and "please stop telling ds what to do" repeated when necessary.

Also, your dh might like to have a strategic lingering cold / sinus trouble / something achey. So that he needs to go for rests. In your room, where he'll have hidden wine, chocolate and a book.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/12/2013 12:04

I know what you mean jellybabies but don't agree. They'd say that about the favouritism or another serious, chronic issue, as we have here, not about her minor social interactions with the OP.

I've always treated other people's parents, politely and pleasantly, as one adult to another and it is extraordinary how surprising this can be to their grown up children. 'OMG you were having a grown up conversation with my mum!' Um yes, I'm over 30, so are you, I've been a grown up for a long time.

What this makes me wonder is whether it is normal or common for spouses to adopt an extended 'child' role within their partners' families. (And why anyone would choose to do that!).

Vivacia · 02/12/2013 12:06

Your husband needs to have your support though, he needs to feel that it's ok with you to challenge your mother's unkindness and I can see why he'd hesitate if he's her guest and also if he sees no one else standing up to her.

Original poster
Newcurtainsplease · 02/12/2013 13:26

vivacia that's exactly why he doesn't want to challenge her directly. If she is in our house he feels he can.

OP posts: