Mum and dh over christmas

[Newcurtainsplease]

My mum lives around 8 hours drive from us and we have agreed to spend 4 nights with her over Christmas. And it's already stressing me out. Dh has asked me to talk to her about 2 things before we go. Firstly her tendency to ignore our kids (8 and 6) and go OTT when my 2yo nephew is around. Secondly she likes to take charge of parenting our kids and even us at times. So things like staying 'dh I am sure you want some wine to drink rather than the beer that you have chosen' and 'ds you need to go and blow your nose ' when he is 8 and dh and I haven't said anything.

These little things are things that I am used to my mum doing and although very annoying, I just put up with them. But I can see that they really upset dh so will talk to mum. But how do I say it without hurting her? And making her really upset?

I really don't think we are going to all get along and 4 nights is a very long time but what else do you do when you live so far away?

Isn't Vivacia's point about you backing him up and adopting a similar approach, more than who is the guest?

Mine is that someone with good social skills ought to be able to brush off most of her nonsense pleasantly, without having to 'challenge' her.

Why are you allowing your mother to treat your DC as second class citizens?

YOU. You are allowing this. Your H doesn't like it (and neither should he) and YOU aren't talking to her about this.

The other stuff is to be dealt with as and when, but in your fear of her, you are allowing her to tell your H what HE himself wants and doesn't want. Since when is that acceptable?

Get yourselves booked into a B&B and pop and see her for christmas in chunks. Back your DH up in this, or face potentially losing him.

Control the environment in which you place your family. It's the only way you can offset the effect of her behaviour.

i also agree with the challenging every incident each time, it will be exhausting, but at least you will be able to leave her to it and go to the B&B to escape from it all.

Your mother knows exactly what she is doing. She will turn on the tears and do anything she can to keep her ability to behave like this, no matter what that costs you or your DC either. Expect fireworks/tantrums because that is the way she rolls.

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread? I think you would benefit from stopping by.

Eh?

I'm failing to see the problem here.

She offers wine; suggests nose-blowing to snotty children; and goes a bit gooey over toddlers.

If that's it, she sounds OK to me. Mine goes in for removal of wine from adults because she thinks they've had enough and are all still under 16.