Really not sure what to do is my DP a risk - advice please?

[sarahlou75]

I have had a dysfunctional relationship with my DP for some time. He has always preferred porn to an intimate relationship with me. We got on so well in other ways that after much effort on my part I eventually turned a blind eye and got on with life. I had a beautiful DD nearly 3 yrs ago. Since I got pregnant and for over 12mths after there was no sex. I didn't realise the porn was now a daily thing. He killed our computer with a virus and a few weeks later had a mental breakdown. Turned out he had looked at an incest site and now had a voice telling him he was going to be a paedo.
Massive shock, trips to psych services, spoke with SW, they all said wasn't a threat was a mental breakdown/adverse reaction to what he saw.
Promised me was going to get help for porn addiction and I put family safety on the new computer. Really tried to work at our relationship but I don't relax, sleep properly, respect or trust him. My DD is the most important thing in my world.
Chucked him out on Wednesday, he is now trying to sort out contact with DD. Am worried as there is no evidence he may be a risk and I don't actually know he is but want some advice on what to do next????

Glad you are in a better place today, hope it continues but if you have a wobble remember "this too will pass". get all the support you can in Real life and virtual.

take care of you too

Well done. What a horrible day- you must feel like all the juice has been wrung out of you.
You know you did the right thing and you're right, it is all going to kick off now.
Be strong, be brave and get angry. It will sustain you through the next difficult days.
(((hugs)))

The update so far - Police have decided no criminal involvement but have 'logged a concern'. Awaiting contact from social services. Have had contact with the ex we went to the zoo, trying to be normal for dd. He wants money out of the house but no equity and asked me to go halves on his deposit for a new house/flat. He is looking at properties which a literally 2 mins walk away, not keen on that idea!
Feeling a lot better in myself, getting the house Christmased this weekend.
Thanks so much for all the support guys you all were a brilliant source of inspiration and strength just when I needed it. mumsnet rules!!

Well done. Keep going.

Glad you are doing well,keep it up!

Hi have had a visit from social services this week. They are happy that I'm doing all I can to keep dd safe, they are going to contact my ex to discuss visitation and frankly I am scared that he will go postal when he realises that services know. He came today for a visit and dd was all I love you mummy, I need you mummy, I like you mummy, I don't like daddy. Scared the shit out of me, have I missed something or is she annoyed he's left her??? He was all emotional blackmail, checked my fridge, bedroom etc think he thinks I've got another man!!!
Not looking forward to Monday at all may spend the night at mums.

Also I was on the phone to my mum after he left and she came in saying she was scared of the hare. Went in and Little Nut Brown Hare was on tv. This prior to the incident earlier this year was ex's choice of bedtime story. Am now half a bottle of wine down feeling very sick seriously wondering how I stop him ever seeing her again. Am going to ring the social worker first thing Monday for advice.
Any advice out there??

None really, never been in your situation but couldn't read and run. Really scary for you. But I expect she is picking up vibes from you as well.

I think going to your mother , esp if she is a wise and calm person, may be exactly what DD needs atm.

Sorry, that's not to decry your instinct. Just that grandmothers can provide a security and aura that is hard for a parent in the thick of it.

You are right ancient however my mum is outraged on my behalf and would be happy if dd never saw her father again. Found a box of dvds under the bed packed full. Mostly barely legal schoolgirl type stuff again. Am keeping it to show social services.
Rang my health visitor this morning (social services contacted them) and talked about the weekend. She was great advised I finished my Christmas shopping. She's coming round tomorrow for a cup of tea.
Am being to realise how dysfunctional my life was and how much I put up with not to rock the boat and financially what a idiot I.ve been paying for everything!
I feel like I am a fool the only good thing out of this relationship is my daughter. But at least I'm not still with him trying to fix someone who is so broken and can't see that the problem is him.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by involving social services and flagging this up. No-one but no-one goes to the trouble of destroying and burning a motherboard/computer unless there is really some terrible things on there, worse than one manga cartoon with incest in it. Good luck, I second that you change the locks, communicate with him by email and encourage him to live a long way away.

I don't understand why you are letting him in your house ?

Going on family days out ?

Why are you doing that. If he has any contact with his dd at all it should be supervised not by you in an official contact centre where the professionals can assess him. This is not your responsibility. You owe him nothing

At the moment, you are allowing him in your house to continue to abuse you. Checking your fridge and bedroom ? He should have no access to your personal space at all. Don't let him over the doorstep. If he kicks off, call the police and explain that Social Services are involved wrt his involvement with dd being a safeguarding issue. They will act.

I don't understand why you are pandering to this.

Horrible situation op and I really feel for you.
I am however concerned as to why you are letting him in your house and going on family days out??
You have involved social services because you believe him to be a threat, and rightly so from the evidence, but you are still playing happy families with him which contradicts everything.

I would imagine that SS would take a dim view of this, OP. Please reconsider what you are doing. Playing Happy Families with someone whose behaviour that you question so profoundly starts to look like you are condoning it. Sorry.