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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really not sure what to do is my DP a risk - advice please?

64 replies

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 21:03

I have had a dysfunctional relationship with my DP for some time. He has always preferred porn to an intimate relationship with me. We got on so well in other ways that after much effort on my part I eventually turned a blind eye and got on with life. I had a beautiful DD nearly 3 yrs ago. Since I got pregnant and for over 12mths after there was no sex. I didn't realise the porn was now a daily thing. He killed our computer with a virus and a few weeks later had a mental breakdown. Turned out he had looked at an incest site and now had a voice telling him he was going to be a paedo.
Massive shock, trips to psych services, spoke with SW, they all said wasn't a threat was a mental breakdown/adverse reaction to what he saw.
Promised me was going to get help for porn addiction and I put family safety on the new computer. Really tried to work at our relationship but I don't relax, sleep properly, respect or trust him. My DD is the most important thing in my world.
Chucked him out on Wednesday, he is now trying to sort out contact with DD. Am worried as there is no evidence he may be a risk and I don't actually know he is but want some advice on what to do next????

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 01/12/2013 23:39

Two words

Ian Watkins, perhaps just before he lost his conscience but hey who fucking cares

Do not let this man anywhere your daughter unsupervised

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 23:41

I am worried about the access issue and also he obviously knows where we live! Have got his house keys but his dad keeps forgetting to drop the spare off. Also his dad keeps telling me how much money he has had to spend on him since he went to stay with him like somehow that's my fault!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 23:43

Mist I care this isn't a thread about saving a relationship its about how to protect DD now and restrict access/opportunity

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 01/12/2013 23:43

Tomorrow, go get the spare key yourself and take no excuses

Tell his dad to fuck off with the guilt tripping, and if he doesn't know every single sordid detail, do fill him in

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 01/12/2013 23:47

You asked "is my DP a risk ?"

Yes, he is. Far more than you possibly think he is. Go through official channels, or it will always be his word against yours.

haveyourselfashandy · 01/12/2013 23:51

I think you need to go see a solicitor if possible.tell them EVERYTHING.It will all of been recorded when he had the breakdown won't it? You are not depriving your daughter from a relationship with her father,you are stopping her from being a possible victim.please don't feel like you can't reach out to people in rl,you will need them to help see you through this and remember,you have done nothing wrong!

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 23:55

That's the thing isn't it - proof. Will see a family solicitor and ring the number from earlier upthread tomorrow. This is probably the worst time in my life and I appreciate all of your support.
Good night x

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 02/12/2013 00:01

Oh and yes under freedom of information maybe able to access the medical records and I haven't thrown the porn stash so that is some proof.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 00:04

We don't know, we can only guess what can be done officially. But find out, and quickly.

mainamow · 02/12/2013 00:23

I feel sorry for you OP and for your DD. It is difficult to say whether your DP is going to be in control of himself. I think first were the thoughts about DD and then he found the porn. He probably watched child porn as well as that cartoon. He have to understand that by watching child porn in any format he supports children being abused. Take recent example. I would not leave DD with him alone. Sorry OP, really sorry.

mainamow · 02/12/2013 00:24

Sorry, typos.

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 02/12/2013 10:01

Well my plans for a trip to the doctors for me and an appointment with a solicitor have been scuppered by a toddler with a temp of 39.8. He's been on the phone this morning asking to see her on Saturday. I know that if he comes round he will try to persuade me to try again and it will be distressing for DD.

OP posts:
TheGonnagle · 02/12/2013 10:32

I think you need to get some advice form people who know exactly what they're dealing with.
I see the burning of the mother board as a massive red flag, it implies that he has taken advice how to destroy his actions. Would you think to burn part of the computer?
That implies that he may have had contact online with others with similar tastes, which suggests to me that he has been accessing the darker side of the internet regularly.
I think your dd is at risk and I think your dp IS a risk. If I heard this in a professional capacity I would start safeguarding procedures immediately.
If I were in your shoes I would start the safeguarding myself- ring your children's services team and tell them everything you know. It will be massively difficult and incredibly upsetting but you may save another child from abuse and you will protect your own.
Your dd is not the only child your dp will ever have access to and you have to do everything you can to ensure that this man does not have access to children.
Good luck, stay strong and remember, you are doing the right thing by trusting your instincts.

TheGonnagle · 02/12/2013 10:50

Oh and I forgot to add a massive unmumsnetty ((((hug)))) because you are being so brave about it all.

foolonthehill · 02/12/2013 11:16

Remember you don;t have to decide whether or not he is safe...you just need to hand the information over to people who can professionally assess and do know what they are doing.

You will get through this.

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 02/12/2013 13:52

ladies thank you all you have helped me put things in perspective. It isn't my decision if he's safe but haven't wanted SS involved scared they would take my baby even though I've done nothing wrong. You are all right it's not just my DD it's all the other little people out there. I would never forgive myself if anything happened.
Also he could swear til he's blue in the face but I can't make that decision.
Feeling calm, settled and so sure that life only gets better from here. Just had a new washing machine delivered and getting a serious urge to clean!!
As soon as I can clear DD out of the way I will be making phone calls.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 02/12/2013 13:53

Thank you Gonnagle all hugs gratefully received! Sending one back to you all Smile

OP posts:
GideonKipper · 02/12/2013 14:10

What a horrible situation. Agree with all the other posters - do not let him have contact unless it is fully supervised in a contact centre.

Also, I don't want to sound like a scare mongerer but in your shoes I would have bolts fitted to the doors. You said he still has the spare key - the last thing you need is to be worrying about him getting in. Even if he gives up the keys who's to say he hasn't had a copy made.

Another hug here. Really feel for you and your dd.

TheGonnagle · 02/12/2013 15:01

Glad to hear you're feeling more sure of your course of action. Be prepared for shrieks of outrage from your partner and his family. Be strong, hold you head up- you have done nothing wrong and you are working hard to protect the innocents.

haveyourselfashandy · 02/12/2013 15:48

Hi sarahlou hope your well today,I was thinking about your situation last night.The thing is,he can't deny anything and the facts say enough.I really hope you stay strong and you should be very proud of yourself for the way you have handled this so far,your dd is very lucky to have you as a mum and she will grow up knowing this and one day she will herself be a strong woman just like you.oh and tell him no way for Saturday,he himself thought he was going to be a danger to her so what's changed?

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 02/12/2013 16:52

Hi guys, two lovely pcso's have just left. Probably going to have an assessment by social services. Have looked on his kindle - more school girl fantasy porn! Feel shaky am scared its going to kick off big style soon but is right decision.
Also my new washing machine arrived today so can start getting my house and life in order.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 18:38

Well done, sweetie, that must have been very hard.

Let me reassure you about SS. They would only be concerned with your ability to parent your dd if you were defending his choices and wishing to continue a relationship with this man, thus exposing your child to him on an ongoing basis.

Getting this logged officially is really very smart indeed. If he tried to take you to court for unsupervised access and there was no record of your concerns then it would be very difficult for the family court to rule against him. You just protected your daughter in the most effective way possible.

Hissy · 02/12/2013 18:55

Can't add anything to what these marvellous posters have already said, only my admiration for your courage and strength.

You're doing the right thing.

cloudskitchen · 02/12/2013 19:00

I've just read through your thread and also wanted to send you a hug and hand to hold. What an awful situation. At least you can be confident in the knowledge that you are doing all you can to protect your daughter x

MajesticWhine · 02/12/2013 19:10

well done OP I feel you have done the right thing. as someone else said, it should not be your job to assess risk.

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