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Original poster

Sex issues... how to handle this?

49 replies

AskAQuestion · 01/12/2013 20:50

I've namechanged...

I've been seeing someone new for a few weeks. We've slept together twice. It's been good except that he can't seem to keep it up... I don't know if it's because this is a new relationship & he's nervous or if it's an ongoing issue. He hasn't ejaculated either & has mentioned that it can take a long time. He seems confident & doesn't seem bothered by it - he's very smiley & keen to please me and keeps saying how happy he is.

I don't want to make him uncomfortable but I feel like I need to talk about this

Sex isn't the be all & end all for me but it is kind of important. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
AskAQuestion · 01/12/2013 21:26

Anyone?

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 01/12/2013 21:32

Ok, not sure how helpful this is, but don't want you to go unanswered. My Exp 'struggled' on our first foray into sex. It improved. Later in our relationship he took anti depressants and it happened again, losing erections, taking AGES to orgasm or not at all. Frustrating for him, we managed to work around it (!). He took horny goat weed , a herbal thing from health food shop . He felt it worked - could have been in his head though. It happened in waves. There's not a lot you can do - if it keeps happening then you might want to bring it up , difficult I know . Good luck

sausagesarenotafruit · 01/12/2013 21:35

If he seems confident it doesn't seem like a nerves thing. I'm no expert but it sounds like an 'erectile dysfunction' issue. How old is he? I know some men can have difficulty if they are on blood pressure meds. Is alcohol involved as this can make a difference.

bestsonever · 01/12/2013 21:40

If he's over 40 it's quite common. Its for you to work out whether his other qualities are worthy. How much effort you are prepared to work on it together will depend on how your feelings grow for him. There's a;ways viagra if all else fails and he is healthy.

muddylettuce · 01/12/2013 21:41

My dp used to get very nervous when we first started seeing each other. I think it was to do with me rather than any body hang ups, as in I think I intimidated him! It took him months to allow me to perform oral sex on him. He mainly concentrated on me and I did not complain (he is still very much like this and I'm still not complaining!) It's obviously very early days and I'd say if you like him persevere, if it is nerves he will overcome them. As long as you are attracted to him and vice versa then it might be a bit early to end things based on his performance in the bedroom, from my experience it's never that amazing the first few times, not until you figure out what works. X

Original poster
AskAQuestion · 01/12/2013 21:48

Thank you Smile

He's 41.

Do I talk to him about it? And, if so, how do I do that gently, without seeming like I'm putting pressure on him (I'm not, I'd just like to know).

I don't think he's on ADs or anything but it's early days so there might be something.

My ex was on ADs and had similar issues and was ok but it was different because initially, things were fine & we worked through it.

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Roshbegosh · 01/12/2013 21:55

Be careful about getting into a relationship with near non-existent sex. Look at some of the threads on here e.g. I feel so revolted, have just slept with someone ... And there are many others. Really sad situations where they love each other but no sex. Maybe this will all work out and I hope it does but reading about what these other women experienced- it starts badly and goes downhill from there but they stay together, always missing out on that part of the relationship.

Someone described it as living behind frosted glass, invisible. Shatters self esteem in time too.

Don't mean to spread doom and gloom but don't just assume it will sort itself out. Read what these other women say that have gone through it.

Original poster
AskAQuestion · 01/12/2013 22:01

Thanks Rosh... I know that sex is important to me and that it has to be satisfying, which is why I want to talk to him about the issue.

There are other things that make me wonder a little... his longest lasting relationship was 6 months. I can't decide it that should ring alarm bells or if just accept his 'I've never met anyone I really liked.' thing.

I have someone else who is very interested in me and keeps asking me out so I am a bit torn. But I like this man, he makes me laugh. I don't know that there's a spark but he is very lovely & I feel good with him. Am I being pathetic and naive?

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beaglesaresweet · 01/12/2013 22:02

I think it's too early to tal about it, why not wait and see how it goes a few more times, as if it's just nerves (regardless of how he appears confident), then it will put unnecessary pressure.

Roshbegosh · 01/12/2013 22:16

Can't you go out with the other one too? No need for monogamy yet.

Original poster
AskAQuestion · 01/12/2013 22:21

I feel awkward about seeing Man2 because I've slept with Man1.

Man1 seems very keen... I've seen him once a week but he keeps saying he misses me and is counting down the seconds til he sees me again, saying his bed is empty without me. And, when I slept with him, he said, 'this means we're dating now!' He's nice & has accepted that I want to take this slowly but is quite enthusiastic about us... that's a good thing though, isn't it?

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Roshbegosh · 01/12/2013 22:25

That all sounds good, but read the thread I mentioned. It's in the relationships section. Several women describe being drawn in and then years later regretting it.

beaglesaresweet · 02/12/2013 00:52

I just don't get it - it's only been twice, and see how many posters on here mentioned that it took a few times for the sex to become good (or their P to get confident) - is there such a rush? if he has lots of other things going for him, just try a few more times. Obv if no improvement, you are free to stop going out.

Darkesteyes · 02/12/2013 01:08

OP I echo what Rosh says to read the thread shes mentioned. My experience is on there as well as that of quite a few other women.

Original poster
AskAQuestion · 02/12/2013 18:21

Thank you. I will read the other thread.

It's early days so I'm not in a huge rush & am happy to see what happens but I've been in a relationship with little sex before which made me realise that it is actually quite important to me Blush

I am grateful for everybody's views. Thankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
AskAQuestion · 04/12/2013 08:23

So, last night he stayed over. I had my period & wasn't up for much but he was lovely, lots kissing & very attentive in other ways... & he had a raging hard-on all night. Confused

OP posts:
ProfessorDent · 04/12/2013 11:19

Try Zinc vitamins from Boots (for him, not you...)

Jan45 · 04/12/2013 11:41

Sounds like he's coming around lol. A new relationship and sex twice is not long enough to decide if there's a real problem there or not - that's the problem with people nowadays, too quick to jump into bed with each other, not having a go, just seems to be way nowadays, there's no getting to really know each other anymore and actually holding back, having sex too early gives you ideas that there's a problem when in fact there is not.

moonfacebaby · 04/12/2013 12:59

Mmmm, being 41 & only having relationships that lasted 6 months would ring alarm bells for me, I'm afraid.

Where did you meet him? What do you know about him?

And you mentioned the spark - how is the sex, despite the difficulties he has?

Original poster
AskAQuestion · 04/12/2013 20:57

Moonface, that did ring alarm bells. I met him online. I know where he works, what he does, about his DD & his friends. I'm cautious, I'm not planning to marry him or anything so I'm ok with finding out stuff slowly. He wants me to meet his friends, his DD knows about me. There;s nothing else that has made me worry.

The sex, apart from that issue, is very good. He knows what he's doing & is very keen to please me, expecting nothing in return - there's no pressure. He said he just wants to spend time with me. He knows I don't want DS involved yet & is happy to come over after DS is in bed & get up & leave at silly o'clock in the morning so that they don't bump into each other.

I am on zinc (for other reasons!) - I didn'y know it might be good for that too!

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Lazyjaney · 04/12/2013 21:18

Give it more time but he seems awfully keen - that may (may) just be a compensating play for not being able to get it up much. It would explain a cycle of 6 month relationships too..... give it some distance until he shows he can rise to the occasion

Sleepyhoglet · 04/12/2013 21:24

Horny goatweed!!!!'

Original poster
AskAQuestion · 04/12/2013 22:31

I have wondered that, LazyJane... we'll see how it goes. For now, he's sweet, kind, patient & understanding.

Thinking about it, on the first occasion, he did keep it up for a while. The second time, he'd drunk a bottle of wine which perhaps didn't help?

OP posts:
Blondie1969 · 06/12/2013 14:57

Advice from a male in his 40s.

I separated July 2012 and started a relationship in Feb this year.

God i was nervous. Not been with anyone else for 14 years. had some performance issues similar to described by OP. My new partner was understanding and we talked. I had learnt that ex had a number of one stands and affair at end of marriage so we thought that was stressing me.
It was on the forth or fifth night that everything clicked.

And its still clicking eight months on. She was really understanding and its amazing what talking did (her telling me how i turned on. How she could not stop thinking about me.) She said that did not come naturally but she had read an article.

Its not uncommon for men in their 40s. Hows his health? Diet?

I saw a doctor who prescived some blue pills but we ended up never needing!!
But the dr was very very good in terms of explaining about new relationships, confidence.

One of the questions dr asked was "did i have problems when masturbating". The answer then can explain if there is a medical issue or possible an anxiety issue.

Give it time. And keep telling him what he is doing right!!

Original poster
AskAQuestion · 06/12/2013 15:24

Blondie, that really helps, thank you. I do give him lots of (genuine) positive feedback. His health seems ok, not sure about diet - he's a bit overwieght but goes to the gym.

Last night was much better - no keeping it up issues but he still didn't climax. I was going to ask about it but I chickened out because he said he loves me. I've only known him a few weeks Confused

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