Sex issues... how to handle this?

[AskAQuestion]

I've namechanged...

I've been seeing someone new for a few weeks. We've slept together twice. It's been good except that he can't seem to keep it up... I don't know if it's because this is a new relationship & he's nervous or if it's an ongoing issue. He hasn't ejaculated either & has mentioned that it can take a long time. He seems confident & doesn't seem bothered by it - he's very smiley & keen to please me and keeps saying how happy he is.

I don't want to make him uncomfortable but I feel like I need to talk about this

Sex isn't the be all & end all for me but it is kind of important. I'm not sure what to do.

I was all for giving him a chance until your last line he said he loves me. I've only known him a few weeks If it was me I'd be running for the hills maybe I have commitment issues

Carol... it took me by surprise a bit and I am tempted to run although, to be fair to him, he has done nothing other than be lovely, if a little keen.

I must have looked startled because he said 'that's a good thing, isn't it?' & I said that it was but that he didn't really know me yet. He keeps telling how great I am - I'm not.

You'd have to be careful, I think. For years I used to have no problems at all although I'd often take more than a mere 5 minutes to reach a climax, but then it started taking longer and longer, then eventually I was having difficulty climaxing at all through penetration (but not masturbation), then I started having problems keeping erections or even getting one in the first place (but always successful doing it alone, for some strange reason). But I'm a far, far older man so it's not so surprising!
Time can only tell if his ability do it and achieve an orgasm is becoming a bit dodgy these days.
I know you're not even thinking that way, but if you eventually married him and became very keen to have children you might just have problems because of it. Then you'd be very regretful you'd married someone with failing or faulty equipment! But it would be too late then.

His saying he loves you already sounds rather desperate and needy, even pathetic. The sort of thing I'd have said and which was always a very bad idea. If you wear your heart on your sleeve or sound desperate for them because you want them so much women want to run away! It seems to be a real turn off. Not really sure why. Maybe they just feel it's the kind of man who'd chase after anybody because they're so desperate for a woman?
I've never really understood women but just know that Clint Eastwood or Jack Nicholson in their heyday would never have chased desperately after any woman, neither in films nor in real life. Just imagine guys like that saying "I love you. I really do. That must be a good thing, mustn't it?" Totally laughable! But that's the type who make the most desirable women feel wobbly at the knees

I think I have dated this man! Couldn't keep it up and told me he loved me on second date. Early declaring of love feels so fake to me, they can't love you, they can only love the idea they have of you.

hmm... stuff to think about. It does come across as a bit needy but his behaviour isn't like that - he's just, well, nice.

Having children isn't really an issue... I have an 8yr old, he has a 16 yr old. Neither of us are desperate for more so that's not really a concern atm although I suppose that could change.

GiveIt

have you asked if he can climax when alone?

If he can then the next question is does he masturbate often? It may be that he needs to stop doing anything when alone and wait til he sees you!!!

Appreciate these are difficult questions to ask but you are in a relationship so communication is critical. There are ways of possibly wording the question so its not so embarassing for either of you (maybe you dont get embarassed).

ie "Whilst touching him ask if he thinks of you when hes by himself"

If the answer is Yes then you could ask how often.

The last question. is he taking anything like viagra? A friend of mine took some to help him and said never again as it took so long to climax

I had an identical issue with my new man when we first met. He seemed not to be able to get/ maintain an erection and if he did get one he resisted penetration. Yet he was fine with everything else. He also said it was because the relationship was new and tbh I think I might have been a bit too honest about my previous relationship as I said part of the reason we split was because he had such an intense sex drive.

Fast forward three months and all is fine now. I just let it happen in its own time and once he'd done it once that was that. Give it some time and enjoy doing other things with no pressure. Good luck

Thank you. I haven't asked him about it yet because it was getting better but he still hasn't climaxed. He doesn't seem the slightest bit bothered. I do need to talk to him though as it's bothering me... in that I wonder if it's me, if it's how he is, if there's an issue etc

I can't believe that he's taken viagra because, well, it just doesn't always stay up.

Other than that, things are good. He's sweet, attentive, keen to please.

Sounds exactly like my bf, he rarely climaxed at the start either and didn't seem bothered, I have to say all sorts of things went through my head. Actually I did gently broach the subject once and he walked out of my house after about ten minutes as he didn't want to talk about it. Needless to say we made up and as I said all is great now, in fact he initiates sex probably more than me

Sounds like a lot of hard work to me.

And if his longest relationship was only 6 months, but he's got a DD - what's the situation there?

You've only been seeing him a few weeks and you're posting on MN with a sex issue.

Let him go, OP. Let him fly free and find yourself a man who'll shag your brains out. There are loads out there.

summerplum it depends on what the OP is looking for in a relationship. I had a man who wanted sex all the time for four years but I never trusted him and he was abusive. Sex is not all. With a little time time it may all be ok with this man, if she likes him its worth a chance

does sound like erectile dysfunction, can be deep rooted too.

if he can orgasm ok through masturbation, then he's got an issue.

have had a partner with this.

I very much doubt its you. The reason i'm saying that is i did have similar issues and no longer have any problems. My gf has not done anything to change her appearance. The only thing she did was make me over a period of time feel more relaxed, less stressed, less anxious.

She very gently said stuff to get my confidence back up. I did need my gf to broach the subject as i was embarassed and getting frustrated at times.

She was worried that it was her so it did not help with her confidence but time and talking sorted it out.

Its a loop. man feels anxious, therefore has problems. Next time he will be thinking about previous performance and get more anxious. More Pressure!!

Askaquestion He must fancy you, find you attractive, like being with you. Otherwise why has he declared his love for you already . Unless you smell, shout stuff out that he finds off putting like "whose your mummy big boy" (appreciate some men may like that but not all), have said something along the lines of "its not very big is it?) then it does suggest to me psychological. I am not a doctor. Men don't like to discuss as it suggest a lack of masculinity. This is very common as men get older.
And he will probably respect the fact that you want him to be as turned on as you if you bring issue up in conversation.

If you are not sure how to broach then you could mention a friend had a partner with similar problems and he got stressed but by talking about it took the stress away and after a period of time were sorted. You could mention the things that was making that "made up person" stressed (stress from previous break up, stress from work, stress from friends, stress from children, stress from being unfit).

The key thing is to ensure that at no point either of you expect that next time it will be sorted. As that just puts pressure on the next time.

As a last question i am not sure if you are using contraception or not but could he be stressed about making you pregnant?

I assume you're using condoms OP, given that you've only known him 2 weeks and you're thinking of sleeping with someone else? I would think all this is explainable by condoms - they do it to my DH who at 50 has no problem with erection or orgasm otherwise, in a former life I have know them do it to 20somethings . If you aren't... the worry of the potential of pregnancy would be there for many. I think you need to bring it up as you're going through a right emotional rollercoaster between dates by the sounds of it and you could save yourself a lot of adrenaline!

I'm not thinking of sleeping with someone else! I do have someone else who is interested but have not pursued it. No chance of getting pregnant & we've discussed that neither of us particularly want babies now so we're in agreement about that.

I promise, I am not shouting 'Who's your mummy, big boy' or saying it's not very big, is it? it is big

I will broach the subject gently. He's actually booked a session with my hypnotherapist to help with insomnia issues. She specialises in erectile dysfunction so I was secretly hoping he might see her about that. Except that she's my friend and that might be awkward... I'm wondering if this might be one of the reasons he's not been with anyone very long?

re his DD... basically, he was a shithead & fucked off. But he kept in touch, made sure there was money (I know that's not enough). He gets on well with his DD's mum & his DD now lives with him. He seems genuinely bothered by the fact that he wasn't there when she was small but has had her every weekend since she was 3.

PS Summer... he is quite happy to shag my brains out!

OP the nicest, best relationship I have had is with my newish man who had exactly the same issue to start with, he is lovely and makes lots of effort, he's not perfect but who is. I am just so glad I hung around to find out because I was very concerned at the start

Thank you. I certainly don't think that this is reason enough to end a relationship but past experience tells me that a mutually satisfying sexual relationship is important (to me, at least). I will hang around and see what happens.

He made me a mix tape

Good luck OP. But remember you owe him nothing at this stage. If you'd been married for 20 years it'd be different, you'd have more invested in trying to 'fix' him.

I'm afraid a declaration of love after a few weeks would be a massive red flag for me.

Do you love him, just out of interest?

Thought not.

My apologies, OP, I misinterpreted you.
You said you're on the pill, which has a failure rate, and HE doesn't know that you're a reliable pill taker, even if you are completely confident.
I take it you're not using condoms in this very new relationship then? Best you both get a STI screen.

He made you a mix tape? . Bloody brilliant. That would do it for me . Has he got a single, attractive brother?

We talked a bit last night. He says he likes me and he's worried he'll do or say something to mess it up. He says he's not slept with anyone for 5 years because he's just not been interested.

I asked about porn because, well, I don't know really, I just wondered... He said he'd not actually seen any since he'd met me - that he's not been interested but that before me he used to watch it 'not very often'. When I pushed him he said that meant once a week or so.

He says he doesn't always come when he masturbates. when I asked if that bothered him he said it didn't. But that it would bother him if it upset me...

Leaving aside the moral and ethical issues of porn (though I'm not sure one ought to), I am not sure there is much difference to watching it to get off, and having your own personal showreel going on in your head, made up of fantasies and past memories.

On the other hand (so to speak) it may be hard to make the transition from watching porn, which is all about visual stimuli of course, to actual sex, so he may need a month to rewire a bit.

Actual sex is relatively grounding for blokes, 'supposed' sex is a bit castles in the air, it is sex in the past or future but not present tense, all a bit idealised. Real sex can throw you a bit in comparison, I mean for a bloke. There are control issues, not least the (controversial perhaps I know) viewpoint that a woman often has some say in real life over whether the average bloke gets a hard-on once she chucks her phermones his way, it's not an aesthetic issue, it's not about looks. Society seems to encourage the view that a bloke sort of elects to get an erection based on liking what he sees, which is true vis a vis a porn mag, but not so much the case in real life once a woman knows she is in there and once to clinch the deal.

Thank you. we'll see how it goes. I have issues with porn anyway.