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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how is this my life now

35 replies

spongebobmum · 01/12/2013 19:48

I'll try not to dripfeed... usually a lurker but I need to get this out.
I lost my mother this year, I don't know what to say about that, not sure if I'm even getting over it.
I had a dc a couple of months, my 2nd but 1st with dp. He's great with the baby
Not so great with my ds from previous relationship. Ds is acting up, tantrums etc since baby came. Normal I think, though he's quite bold during them. He can be very whiney apart from this too, which is wearing, it often starts first thing in the am which doesn't help.
Dp was always pretty good with him, ds is 4 and a half and dp is with us ince he was a baby. But lately I've realised how little time he has for ds acting out... I feel desparately bad for ds, wondering if we have any future right now.
Not sure the point of posting but I need to at least vent if nothing else, thanks for reading if you got this far

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 01/12/2013 19:58

Sounds like there's a lot going on for you right now. Sorry to hear about your mum. I remember feeling like I was floating away from all that anchored me to earth.

So you feel like your DP is more impatient with your DS now the baby has come along? I think that can be normal for a little bit - the newborn seems so little compared to the giant kid - but are your instincts telling you something worse?

Is DS's dad on the scene at all?

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch · 01/12/2013 20:01

Sorry about your mum. I remember standing in the garden in the dark looking at the stars and feeling dizzy without my anchor.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 01/12/2013 20:07

It is that feeling of being without an anchor, isn't it... Awful.

OP, have you been able to talk to your DP about your worries?

Original poster
spongebobmum · 01/12/2013 20:15

Thank you both, its very hard to come to terms with it.
I'm just afraid ds is going to suffer from living with someone who hasn't the time for him while being completely absorbed by the baby... I'm afraid its not just a temp situation I suppose. I know its natural at the start but what if its always like this?

Yes ds has regular contact with his dad, but he always looked up to dp and I think he's noticed a change :-( . It breaks my heart to think that.

OP posts:
Original poster
spongebobmum · 01/12/2013 20:22

Dp just says he should have manners, which yes is true but he's a child and we are the adults, its a huge change for ds having a bavy share his space.
Dp is v protective of the baby and I noticed ds is more likely to interact when baby is with me than dp, dp isn't as patient with letting ds hug and kiss the baby either...
I've tried saying it to dp but he doesn't see that there's any problem with how he is with ds, he says they are getting on ok and that he still has time for ds... I don't know what to think really

OP posts:
Original poster
spongebobmum · 01/12/2013 22:38

I wish I hadnt posted. Its real now that I have. Right now I feel like id be better off on my own, its too much to handle and I cant deal with this too.
Sorry for multiple posts, just getting it off my chest... Hoping it might help

OP posts:
PenguinDancer · 01/12/2013 22:45

The baby is only a couple of months old, its wearing and a 4 and a half year old can be very difficult. I would wait to see how it goes for a bit. It's hard for older kids not to get a little left out when a new baby is around. They take up a lot of effort.

I would give your DP a chance to settle into his new role as a parent to two. One of which isn't his and one which is. It must be a little confusing.

If it continues after a little time I would then consider your options.

3littlefrogs · 01/12/2013 22:53

I would be worried too, TBH.

I think you need to talk to your DP and remind him that little children regress when they are in a difficult situation. Your 4 year old is dealing with a lot and he needs more patience and understanding, not less. He is probably feeling a bit adrift too, insecure and unsure of his place in the family. It is a lot for a little boy to cope with.

I am so sorry you have lost your mum. I lost my mum a couple of years ago and I still have days when I miss her terribly. You really need your mum when you have just had a baby. Sad

Is there anyone else that you can talk to, or get support from?

Original poster
spongebobmum · 01/12/2013 22:58

Thank you, I know thats probably the best idea, I just feel like everything is on top of me right now and hes making it so much worse... I feel like itd be easier on my own and like ds would be happier then too :-(
I really hope im wrong, and that this feeling passes quickly.

OP posts:
DianaOfThemyscira · 01/12/2013 23:02

My ds was 4.5 when DS2 was born (to new partner) and I experienced the same, he was being shouted at for trying to hug/kiss the baby etc.
DS2 got VERY whiney and clingy, and the last thing I wanted was for him to resent his baby brother.
I don't want to project my experiences onto you, as P is now EXP and an epic twat of the greatest proportions, but I am VERY sorry that I did not stand up for DS1 better at the time.
4.5 is still so young, but once a new baby comes along, they seem so old, and may have expectations thrust upo them that they can't deal with.
It's a massive change for all of you to get used to, yes, but your partner is an adult.
Be kind to each other. Talk to your partner.

Original poster
spongebobmum · 01/12/2013 23:04

I dont really have anyone to talk to, well one friend I could but she has a lot going on right now.. Ill keep posting for now, its good to get it off my chest

OP posts:
Original poster
spongebobmum · 02/12/2013 09:27

Starting to actually wonder if Id be better off just me and the kids... I asked dp to sleep in the spare room last night, more or less told him to leave today and I think I half meant it :-(. He's still asleep so I don't know what he plans to do. I don't know what I want him to do either

OP posts:
anapitt · 02/12/2013 09:38

do you think you might be depressed ?
after my mum died I was really not myself for at least two years.
Please be wary of making any major decisions x

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 02/12/2013 09:42

Oh you poor thing. I'm not sure what to suggest because its hard to tell if he is behaving really badly or if maybe your expectations of him are a little out of kilter.

Is there any chance your DS's dad could step up to the mark a bit more now?

Unless you feel that your son is suffering from DPs behavior, I wouldn't make any big decisions for the moment. Can you talk to him some more?

crazykat · 02/12/2013 09:58

I'm sorry you've lost your mum, I lost mine a few weeks ago and it's very hard. It's like I lost part of myself too and nothing seems right.

I've been on the other side of your situation, DH has a dd and when I had our first child it was a very difficult adjustment for me. Not only having a new baby but the way I felt about my own child.

I love DSD as much as my own DCs but its in a different way. Part of it is that I carried my children and they feel like a part of me which is obviously not the same with DSD. I was very protective of my first as I'd never had someone totally depend on me for everything. It was hard to adjust and did take time.

I was also impatient when DSD wanted to hold and kiss my baby but then I was the same with anyone, I just wanted to hold my baby and not share at first.

Dealing with a whiny four year old is tough even when they're your own, perhaps your partner doesn't know how to deal with it so tunes out incase he does something wrong.

You've been through a lot recently so be careful of making any big changes. Relate might help sort out the problems or at least allow you to think about what you really want and need. As I said I've recently lost my mum and sometimes the easiest thing is hard to see clearly.

myroomisatip · 02/12/2013 10:03

I have no advice as such :(

Went through the same situation with my own and my Ex would have none of it when I voiced my worries that he treated them differently.

The result is that he wrecked my kids lives and their relationship with each other and I blame myself for being too weak to leave. The repurcussions will never cease. Please protect your little boy. I read something this week along the lines of... 'It is easier to bring up a child than to repair an adult.' So true.

Original poster
spongebobmum · 02/12/2013 10:09

I could be a bit depressed, not badly though (have been before and don't feel like that now).
I don't think he's being really bad but he clearly has little to no time for ds, ds has started saying he doesn't like him and I think its because he can tell dp isn't bothered with him now.
Ds dad is pretty much useless, so no he won't be any help... he has in the past tried to cause problems for us all so we have minimum contact except to facilitate his acces with ds.
Talking seems pointless when he will either say there's no problem, deny the lack of interest, blame ds behaviour or just sit in silence...
I dot want to make any major decisions but I don't feel theres any point continuing on like this

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 02/12/2013 10:11

Your son has a lot to deal with right now. He is no longer an only child, add to that the fact that he senses a change in your DP. Just MO but I think that is potentially very damaging for him.

Original poster
spongebobmum · 02/12/2013 10:17

Crazykat its interesting to hear the other side of it, but how do we get past it if he won't even admit to it, and blames ds behaviour, which to be fair to dp is v bad at times lately and v hard to manage or diffuse...
myroom that's exactly what I'm afraid of, what if we stay together and it hurts ds, what then.. god its a mess, floodgates seemed to open for me once I posted, up to now it was just lurking in the back of my head

OP posts:
maparole · 02/12/2013 10:26

I would be wary of making huge decisions right now.

My dad died just a month before my son was born. Immediately after the funeral, I was admitted to hospital with pregnancy complications, leading eventually to an emergency c-section, very poorly premature babe, etc etc.

I wasn't able properly to grieve for my dad (who was my anchor), became depressed and didn't really start to emerge from it all until a good couple of years later.

What I am trying to say is that losing your mum while having a very young babe is a huge amount to cope with. You have the added worry of helping your older child adjust and coping with his challenging behaviour right now. It's a huge life upheaval for all of you. I'd suggest you try to get some grief counselling, think about whether you may be depressed and above all talk, talk, talk to your dp.

Original poster
spongebobmum · 02/12/2013 10:42

Maparole thank you, I see what you are saying, and it makes sense but he won't talk about it and I don't want to sweep it under the carpet either...
counselling sounds like a very good idea, I might have a talk with my gp about things and go from there... I could try talking to dp but I don't think I have the strength to take his silence, denial, etc etc right now... really wish this wasn't an issue because he is great in every other way and we have always been v happy, but I can't ignore this

OP posts:
springyticktack · 02/12/2013 11:06

You don't have to split entirely but perhaps take a break? Is there anywhere he can go for a while? Even a week would give you (and ds) a breather to get your bearings a bit. It's irrelevant that dp refuses to acknowledge what you are seeing (and your ds is seeing - if a small child is saying dp 'doesn't like him' then you're not the only one who is seeing the change).

Of course your ds could be whiney and difficult with no longer being the only child, a new baby, mum beleaguered not just by the rigours of a new baby but also bereaved - and now dp obsessed with his baby and perhaps ds taking a back seat in his affections. Was ds close to your mum? If so, that would add to the pile for him.

Definitely step this up and talk to relevant personnel eg HV, GP.

Original poster
spongebobmum · 02/12/2013 11:32

Springy I was thinking that, he is going away for a night for work tomorrow so I might ask him to stay at his mums for a couple of nights too. Sorry, worded that badly, Ds is saying he doesn't like dp, but same difference really...
I might try talk to him once more, see if we can get anywhere, if nothing else I want to know if he'd be prepared to get help with me for this... the more I think about it, I actually don't think he realises how serious this is, so I need to show him by my actions...
Thanks so much for all the replies, its really helping me. Getting this out is like therapy for me,sorting through my head

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 02/12/2013 11:44

It is of course, very important that DS feels absolutely loved, safe and wanted in his own home. But it might be that you need to accept that the love your DP will have for the two children might be different, especially at the moment when the baby is so little.
Its a good idea to seek help, continue talking and understanding each other. Be gentle with each other.

Damnautocorrect · 02/12/2013 11:45

So sorry to hear about your mum.
I'm not defending your dp but just have another take on it, I quite often have to remind my oh that ds is still really a baby. Now he's at school oh sees him as a big child (say 10!) rather than abig toddler if you see what I mean. He just expects too much.
Your posts are sounding like its more serious than just that though.

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