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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wasting my time, but love him

29 replies

oopsadaisyme · 30/11/2013 22:35

I didn't think this until I posted a previous thread about xmas, but really don't think my OH has moved on from his previous family -

I'm alot younger than him, we've been together 6 years now, he was with his ex wife for 16 years though, and every 'special occasion' seems to be wrong, or not 'go right' (xmas especially).

I've tried, but what's just hit home to me (discussion sites are a new thing to me) was him at the pregnancy/birth of my Ds2 (my first with him).

He didn't want me to have an epidural, when I went into labour, it was 'his weekend' with his other kids, so was told it would 'pro-long' my labour, when I was 12 hours in and finally couldn't cope with the pain I asked (begged) for one, and when the midwife left to get, he called me a 'selfish cow' -

Luckily, when I was put on my side to get the injection in my back, my beautiful Ds2 shot out -

He held, then left -

The next day, he brought his other children, along with his ex wife!!!!!, in to see me and the baby, because she wanted to 'get a look with the kids' , and they were apparently 'getting on' at the time-

I had no say in this, and cried my eyes out in hospital after -

I've never spoken about this, but everything just seems wrong right now

OP posts:
daphnesglasses · 30/11/2013 22:40

Shock so sorry OP that sounds awful. What was the reason he broke up from his ex wife?
Calling you a selfish cow for wanting an epidural is truly shocking

expatinscotland · 30/11/2013 22:42

It seems wrong because this person is a nobber.

CailinDana · 30/11/2013 22:44

He is a nasty git.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 30/11/2013 22:47

daphne she left him for someone else -

They obviously had problems beforehand, but they were married for 16 years -

I've just never matched up I don't think, he misses his two other kids (although one 20 and one 14 now, she's remarried, all good there)

I'm alot younger than him, have a 10 year old from a previous, and Ds2 now 4, but am a little tired I can't still 'match up' so to speak x

OP posts:
Diagonally · 30/11/2013 22:51

He tried to deny you pain relief in labour and called you a selfish cow?

While you were giving birth?!!!

I'm certain hell has a special section for c*nts like him.

Do you want to leave him?

DoingItForMyself · 30/11/2013 22:51

At such an important time in your life when you should both have been celebrating the birth of your baby, he was calling the shots wrt your health so that he could prioritise his older DCs and bring in his ex (who was so inflexible about access that he apparently couldn't have a day or two to support his wife and new child) when you were at your most vulnerable, without even asking you. This man is insensitive beyond belief!

Does he know how upset you were at the time? You say you haven't spoken to him about it, but if it's making you feel insecure after all this time, you must talk to him about it.

basgetti · 30/11/2013 22:52

If I remember you correctly OP, he is also financially abusive to you. What do you get from the relationship other than being made to feel second best?

PosyNarker · 30/11/2013 22:54

Unless he's stellar the rest of the time, he's an arsehole. My DP certainly doesn't tell me what pain relief I use in a hospital environment.

His kids are plenty old enough to understand that while new baby shouldn't push them out, the actual birthing happens when it happens and all other plans go to hell.

The 20 yr old can surely decide their own contact. TBH I would have thought the 14 year old could too unless you live very far away.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 30/11/2013 23:04

Posy now do live very far away

basgetti I'm new to MN, it's a bit of an eye opener at present to me putting certain things down here, being involved in other threads certainly has made me think- x

OP posts:
CailinDana · 30/11/2013 23:08

The problem isn't that you don't "match up" it's that he's a cunt.

PosyNarker · 30/11/2013 23:20

That makes it more difficult oops but I still think 14 is old enough to understand 'I would love to see you, but DW is having your little brother / sister and I will make sure we do something special at a later date'. That said, I speak from the outside as I don't have DC or stepchildren myself.

Regardless, he shouldn't put it on you.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 30/11/2013 23:34

posy she was 10 and older was 16 at the time -

I didn't mind at all them coming, (I also had a 6 year old who my other family where looking after at the time, and came often) - but arriving with his ex wife (and expecting me to 'look nice' also) - Yes, 4 years later, wouldn't have done that, or any of it, now -

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 30/11/2013 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepyhoglet · 30/11/2013 23:44

Really sorry you are thinking this. I might have suggested this slightly on the other thread but it is hard to come to terms with.

Sleepyhoglet · 30/11/2013 23:46

Perhaps it isn't so much you, but he might be having some sort of depression? Don't blame yourself. It is up to him to start appreciating what he has. Have you tried talking to him about his feelings?

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 30/11/2013 23:49

precious I hate to say it, but think i'm growing older, and maybe wiser - never going to not love him, but would be nice to just enjoy some stuff, without living in 'his past' so to speak -

I'm being quite blunt about certain things, we do have a relatively nice life, kids are happy etc, nothing bad going on, just big hang ups from his 'past life', and I know things could be so much better x

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 30/11/2013 23:55

Sleepy he's the 'life and soul* away from home - not to go into what he does for a living, but being very social is a big thing for him -

He's not depressed, far from it- its just not in his nature, if you knew him you'd know -

He just (maybe) has lost the will to be a 'family guy' again, and maybe I support that a little too much, never having expressed to him what my needs are - if that makes sense??

OP posts:
Sleepyhoglet · 01/12/2013 18:58

Yeah I get that. Dwell on the positives!

Umpire · 01/12/2013 19:03

He sounds horrible, very conscious of his own needs and seeing that they're all met. What is convenient for him, even if you're in PAIN.....

dOES sound like you have grown up. you were happy to give give give in a relationship with a man who takes more than he gives, and then something has woken up inside you and it's not going to be possible anymore.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2013 19:05

Dwell on the positives?. Apart from your own children here what positives are there, what does he bring to the table?.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this person oopsadaisyme?.

Abusers can and often do appear plausible to those in the outside world; you are now seeing the real him and what his true nature is.

I think he has done a real number on you to get you to doubt your own judgment so clearly. Your self worth and esteem are shot to pieces and he is responsible for that.

He did his bit to create a baby, saying what he did to you re an epidural is unforgiveable in anyone else's book.

TinTinsSexySister · 01/12/2013 23:51

Oh dear God you poor, poor thing.

To have emerged from that birth story not broken or defeated shows how strong you really are.

I think you need to draw on that strength sooner rather than later though - to leave.

This is not a good situation for you to find yourself in. Hmm

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 02/12/2013 16:48

Oh, lovely comments, but I do love him, we do have alot of good times too, (just vented some bad stuff)x

attila I do totally understand your post, and thank you xx but really think 'abuser' is not the right term in my case, he's a total tit some of the time, and I'm only complaining about things not being 'ok' in some respects (and only on MN, lol, maybe cheaper than a therapist, but quite helpful lol!

Maybe I am a bit to blame tho, haven't really complained to him about some stuff that's upset me, so how is he really to know??

I don't know - xx

OP posts:
Diagonally · 02/12/2013 17:39

You shouldn't have to tell a grown man that you were upset that he tried to deny you pain relief in labour.

Any decent person would recognize that behaviour was completely and utterly cruel, disrespectful and uncaring.

There have been a few threads recently with OP who have described awful disrespectful behaviour on the part if their OH and then minimized it by saying "oh but it's my fault because I didn't say how upset I was /I'm just as bad / maybe I haven't explained how unreasonable I think it is etc etc

When someone behaves with so little care and respect for another person, it is because they are uncaring and disrespectful. They know they are. They know they cause hurt and upset but they don't care.

Please don't think you are in any way to blame for his behaviour.

ptpan · 02/12/2013 17:43

Oops,atillas description of your husband is right.
I'm sure you do love him,I'm sure he is great a lot of the time.
The fact that he told you what pain releif he wanted you to have is appalling.
When you were at your most vulnerable and needy he had no fucking right to tell you what not to have so it wouldn't prolong your labour.he should have been backing you 100% to enable your labour and delivery to be as calm,safe and comfortable as possible.
I'm so angry for you to read that,it is not right.

Jan45 · 02/12/2013 17:48

I don't know how you managed to stay with him after him doing that when you were in labour! What a truly nasty piece of work. How can you love someone who possesses such a horrible mind?

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