Cheating - which do you think is worse?

[nerdsed]

I know this is a weird topic and don't mean to be flippant but hypothetically which do you think is worse - a one night stand with a stranger or sleeping in the same bed, kissing, touching etc (but not having sex) with someone you know and see frequently?

Both on a par with each other! Both deceitful and very hurtful to the partners involved.

Would you prefer to be stabbed or shot?

One night stand would be less bad. You could, at a push, put that down to a moment of madness. There's more deceit involved in the latter - more meaning to it.

What Meditrina said

It depends on what the terms of your relationship are.

Personally I wouldn't be too bothered about a one night stand, but pretty bothered about an emotional affair, whether or not it contained sex.

But then it was never a 'rule' in my relationship that sex with others was a betrayal.

Both really wrong but the ons slightly less bad.

Both are unacceptable in an exclusive relationship. There was a time I'd say a ONS was okay but I don't believe that any more. It takes longer than a split second to have sex, therefore, you have time to think, react, consider. It's not okay.

ONS and a momentary lapse, a really bad one but temporary all the same, can be regretted a lot in the cold light of day.

The other is a prolonged and methodical betrayal, it involves sustained lying and deceit.

Mattissy I disagree, I think the second could happen very quickly too - I just don't think that either can happen quickly enough that you have NO chance to think about what you're doing.

I have cheated, when I was very young. I knew what I was doing and I decided it was worth it. I would not do it now in a million years but things seemed so different at the time. I didn't expect my boyfriend at the time to forgive me (he didn't). I think that anybody cheating in any way knows that there's a risk they will lose their main relationship, perhaps they delude themselves that it doesn't matter if they don't get caught, or the risk is part of the attraction or whatever, but I don't think you can bullshit that somebody didn't realise what they were doing.

Either way, you would not be important enough to that person for them to control their impulses.

What meditrina said. Neither acceptable

Exactly Fairenuff.

Fairenuff - do you mean the person being cheated on wouldn't be important enough to the cheater?

I took it to mean that, yes. If you have promised something pretty fundamental and you break that promise then you're saying a lot about how important you consider that person really.

Not so concerned about the deception (there's plenty of that involved with both) more the 'meaning' involved. I've always thought I'd be more upset at the idea of DW kissing someone than shagging … but it's only a theory (one which I hope never to test!)

Bertie, i do think messing around with a friend can happen quickly, it's the fact it happens more than once that sticks with me, I'm assuming that between incidents the cheater sees the cheatee, spends time with them but that doesn't stop them going back for a second incident.

Ah, see I read the OP as it being a one-off incident but "someone you see frequently" meaning a close friend to begin with. But you're right that repeating an incident is probably more hurtful than a one off.

So do you think if each was a one off they're as bad as each other but if the second act was repeated and ongoing that would be worse?

Does it matter what anyone here thinks? The only people who can say whether they find the above better, worse or both equally offensive are those directly involved, surely?

ONS worse - put marriage at risk for quick shag with stranger. You know what you're doing, line is clear.

With a friend, this could be a situation where things got out if hand gradually. The moment the line was crossed is less well defined. ie Italy have been crossed before anyone touched each other. By staying too late, by stepping into that person's bedroom, by innuendo etc.

But anyway. Both a complete disgrace and marriage breakers.

Let's face it, they're both shite! Trying to associate degrees of shite is just totally ridiculous.

One night stand would be better. Just a quick fuck? Meh.... not great but preferable.

I very, very, very much doubt the second scenario exists. What grown adults spend the night in bed together kissing and touching but DON'T have sex?!