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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me what's fair....

29 replies

ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:17

hi,

I'm in an abusive relationship (I think).

I know I want to get out, the problem is that I'm from another country. All my possessions are here, so if/when I leave the UK, I will leave with a suitcase. I would like to leave at the end of the school year for the kids' sake, but in the meantime, is it fair to ask him to move out?

I think if I did, he would turn nasty and say it's me who wants to end this relationship so I should go, but how can I? I'm a SAHM just starting to think about going back to work, how can I just go? What can I say to him to convince him he should go? How can I do it so he doesn't get angry?

I know he will get angry because in the past when I suggested we needed counselling/ need to separate, he went ballistic. How can I make him see we need to separate without him getting so angry and then nasty? I feel like if he would just talk calmly about it and separate amicably, both our lives would be easier. But he won't. Or he wants me to admit that I don't love him/find him attractive any more, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just don't want this relationship anymore and want to end it nicely (and for him to offer to send some of the kids' things over - but maybe that's asking for too much, I don't know).

I don't know if I've made any sense at all. Thanks if you can help.

OP posts:
Upcycled · 28/11/2013 13:20

So what exactly happens when he turns nasty and goes ballistic?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 13:21

I think, given that he sounds aggressive, you should have your safety as top priority and therefore contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice. FWIW I don't think there is a way to say 'it's over' without hurting someone's feelings but are you really saying that you're frightened of him?

As regards children. You may be from another country but, should you split, it would be assumed that you and your husband would be able to co-parent. I don't think you could simply take your DCs out of the country

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:29

He tells me I'm insane, tells me to get out of the room in a very physically intimidating way, tells me it's me who has the problem in the relationship, he's a perfect husband. Then he ignores me for a few days until he tells me to apologise (usually I don't know what I'm apologising for but I do it because I want the peace back). Then we go along ok for a while and I'm deluded that we're ok.... until the next time.

I don't really want to go into the trigger for him if that's ok.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 13:31

What you're describing sounds like emotional bullying/abusive behaviour. Please do call that number for WA

Upcycled · 28/11/2013 13:33

And is there a way you could stay in the country?

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:33

But could I take the children if he didn't mind and gave me permission to? He doesn't parent them at all.

I'm not scared of him (only a couple of times I didn't sleep because I thought he was going to hurt me). But he didn't and I don't think he would hurt me. He was just very angry.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 28/11/2013 13:35

Are the DC his? Are they UK nationals? Odds aren't great of leaving the country with them if the answer is yes.

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:35

I know it's abusive and that's why I want this relationship to end. I just wish I could do it without him getting angry.... it's not possible is it?

OP posts:
fifi669 · 28/11/2013 13:36

In all honesty, even if he doesn't parent the children like you do he's not going to give permission for you to take his kids. He'll love them.

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:37

I don't want to out myself but the kids are European nationals and nationals from a non- European country. (but no, not UK)

The kids are his.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 13:38

He's going to get angry which is why you need to take proper advice and make your safety top priority. WA are very good at helping women who are frightened of their partners. If he has no interest in having a relationship with his own DCs that would be unusual. Plenty of fathers don't get actively involved until they become lone parents and have to step up.

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:39

Then I'm trapped. So I can ask him to move out at least? (But I know he won't)

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2013 13:39

As advised - call Womens Aid as soon as you can.
They can help you with an escape plan and other advice.
The phone number, if called from a landline, doesn't show up on phone bills - I don't think.
Make that first step then the rest will follow.
If you are frightened at any time that he may get violent (which he might when he realises the game is up) then dial 999 immediately.
How old are the children?
If he is named on their birth certificates then you will need his permission to permanently remove them from this country.

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:42

Ok, I'll call WA. I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this. I'm in pieces and not functioning very well right now. I really don't want to go to a shelter. I know he won't hurt me (physically)

OP posts:
Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:44

I honestly think he would give me permission. I think he resents the kids. I know he loves them, but I don't think he'd fight for them. Maybe I'm naïve.

I still think that no matter how angry he was, I don't think he'd be violent. But I suppose you never know.

Thank you for the help.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 13:44

He's crushed you mentally. He threatens you. WA will tell you that men like that can be very dangerous when they think they're about to lose everything. Glad you're going to make that call.

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:48

I'm scared to make that call....I don't know if I can. What can they do really? I can't stop crying, my life can't be this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 13:50

In the past, I just smooth it over with an apology. Isn't it better to just do this?
(I know this sounds weak)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 13:51

Don't be scared and please don't cry. You're being very strong at the moment. A lot of people would opt to do nothing. What WA can do is listen to your problem and give you some practical suggestions and advice on how to get yourself and your DCs safely out of the marriage. If you say he's not violent then they will give you one type of advice. If you say you feel in danger, they'll suggest something else. They can give you names of good solicitors in your area, for example.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 13:53

You could smooth it over with an apology but I think you know yourself that you would be back here in a few weeks or months feeling just as bad as you do now, maybe even worse because you think you were weak to back-pedal the previous time. You don't have to do anything hasty. You can do exactly what you like. However, it never hurts to have good information so that, when you are ready, you have a plan.

cestlavielife · 28/11/2013 13:56

it is a little naive yes- if he resented kids or didnt want them and you nearby to bully he would ahve left already.
people like this want teh trapping of wife and kids to aprade around.
when you say it's over they get worse .

it si a serious problem - speak to womens aid they can talk about a safety plan .

you need a plan for what if eh gets angry/agressive now? (answer - dont hesitate to call 99 - keep a charged up mobile in your pocket at all times if you need to leve house to make a call)

also tell neoghbours/friends to repsond to sounds and/or keyword text mesage so if you text teh word christmas they know it's "call 999")

you need a plan for how you could ask him to leave (where would he go? etc) - but bear in mind when you ask someone like this to elave they will refuse and potentially yes will get angry and agressive

you could speak to your embassy for advice too

cestlavielife · 28/11/2013 13:59

and while you think he wont hurt you that is good - so you know in your own mind that if he does hurt you or dc -then you call 999 straight away and report and they will come arrest him to be questioned.

most of us who have been phsycailly pushed shoved or worse - we never thought they would do that...

Original poster
ozendon · 28/11/2013 14:03

I've been in this horrible state many times, over the last couple of years but have been too scared to do anything, I don't want to disrupt the children's lives.
Usually I can put on a brave face, try to distract myself from it and wait for the storm to pass. This time, it just feels worse and I feel like I hate him Sad and I'm sad for this.

Thank you for all the kind words, I wish I had someone like you in real life.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/11/2013 16:18

the children's lives are being disrupted every day he gets angry.

they probably learn to keep quiet to not upset him right ?

arthriticfingers · 28/11/2013 17:01

ozendon as others are saying, you really need to phone WA and talk to them.
Also see if you can get a copy of this
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1385657890&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that
without your husband knowing. Or read as much of it as Amazon lets you online.
Many, many of us have been where you are :(
But you will find a way out.
Keep posting, but be careful not to leave a trace on the internet history of your phone or computer.
Above all, stay safe.

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