Please tell me what's fair....

[ozendon]

hi,

I'm in an abusive relationship (I think).

I know I want to get out, the problem is that I'm from another country. All my possessions are here, so if/when I leave the UK, I will leave with a suitcase. I would like to leave at the end of the school year for the kids' sake, but in the meantime, is it fair to ask him to move out?

I think if I did, he would turn nasty and say it's me who wants to end this relationship so I should go, but how can I? I'm a SAHM just starting to think about going back to work, how can I just go? What can I say to him to convince him he should go? How can I do it so he doesn't get angry?

I know he will get angry because in the past when I suggested we needed counselling/ need to separate, he went ballistic. How can I make him see we need to separate without him getting so angry and then nasty? I feel like if he would just talk calmly about it and separate amicably, both our lives would be easier. But he won't. Or he wants me to admit that I don't love him/find him attractive any more, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just don't want this relationship anymore and want to end it nicely (and for him to offer to send some of the kids' things over - but maybe that's asking for too much, I don't know).

I don't know if I've made any sense at all. Thanks if you can help.

I really don't feel in danger. After his last outburst (which happened Sunday night), he's just been ignoring me and as soon as he gets home, eats then goes up to the bedroom to watch tv then falls asleep.

The children don't pay him much attention. Ds doesn't get along with him and I don't even think he likes him (and perhaps dh deep down doesn't like ds - he was very jealous when he was born). He doesn't ever want to do anything with him. Dd is loving towards him but always wants to be with me - even if I have to take ds somewhere. She got so stressed one time I took ds out, she was crying on the phone to me and of course dh got angry with me.

Ds is 10, dd is 5.

I've been through the way he is with me a lot on here before and I've pretty much determined that he's abusive (I didn't want to go into it, but it all stems from sex and sulking when he doesn't have enough).

I've had enough and I just want to leave and separate and I want to do it amicably, but I suppose that will never happen. Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me. I really like the idea of calling WA to make a plan and I will do it (eventually). I feel a little stronger than I did this afternoon (maybe because I was free and had no distractions).

I don't think it is going to be amicable unless a miracle happens.
Please do find a strength to call for help and make a plan to leave.
It is not a healthy environment for you or your children and the 3 of you deserves better than that.
Good luck.

He's just left after a speech about how tonight he wants to know what I want to do. He says the problem lies with me, he's always positive and just before I set him off (by saying that I don't think our relationship is solid and we should do counselling) he had been talking about buying me something. He thinks the relationship is solid and said there's no way that he needs counselling.
It's always at this point that I crumble. I'm in a course today so I won't even be able to think about this. I'll call WA this afternoon when I get home.

Just adding to what others have said that you should not assume anything.
He could well be physically violent. Particularly if he has has been threatening to you in the past.
He could well not agree to you leaving the country. If you have lived there all their lives, it's hard to justify taking them away. Arm yourself with legal advice.

And saying he was going to buy you something is a pathetic carrot he's waving at you. You tow the line and I buy you stuff? WTF?