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Original poster

Is our relationship strong enough?

72 replies

ganford · 28/11/2013 13:06

Hello everyone

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this so please do point me in the right direction if not.

I am desperate to have a baby, my husband is not. We are fairly comfortable financially and both have good careers. We are healthy and in our early 30s. We have a very sharing relationship and both do our bit around the house. I love the thought of bringing a little version of 'us' into the world and sharing all the excitement/challenges/joy that would entail.

But my husband isn't committing to anything. When I first brought up the subject he said he really wanted a baby but that we couldn't afford it. I then saved up £3000, which I think is plenty to get started with. When I brought up the subject again, showing how our financial situation had changed he said 'I'm not sure our relationship is strong enough'. Now, in a way I think this is very responsible of him. Yes, of course a relationship should be strong before you have a child. But I thought it was. We have moved country twice in three years with our careers. We once bought a house, moved country and both started new jobs within three months. Those things are all stressful and we got through them. It wasn't easy but we did it.

The last thing I want to do is bully/manipulate him. I can go for months without mentioning anything baby related, even though it is on my mind constantly. But we are now at the stage where most nights I silently cry myself to sleep. In the evenings I say I am going to the gym when really I get there, sit in the car, and sob my eyes out. On the rare occasion I do break down in front of him, he just stares at me and does nothing. Sometimes I try to have a calm, adult conversation about his fears/worries/concerns and politely ask how he thinks our relationship could be stronger. But he offers nothing concrete and it makes me scream inside. Now I think the baby issue is undermining the relationship and we are in a catch 22.

How can I get him to open up? Am I being a mug? Is he just coming up with excuses? How do you know if your relationship is strong enough? Is it unreasonable of me to ask for some sort of timeframe for when he might be ready? Does the phrase 'our relationship isn't strong enough' actually mean he doesn't know if he loves me enough? How can he watch me be so deeply unhappy and do nothing?

Sorry this post is so long, I desperately needed to get it off my chest.

Thank you

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/11/2013 14:59

If your relationship isn't strong enough for having children, it's not strong enough, full stop.

So move on.

What's going to happen here is that he will eventually leave you when you are no longer fertile and have a baby with somebody else.

Original poster
ganford · 28/11/2013 15:04

Madbuslady, these are excellent points. I hadn't really thought about it from that perspective as I have been so focused on just the baby aspect. It does hurt badly. I probably haven't thought about it as deeply as I might. Probably because I know it will devastate me even more...

And you are right, anyone with an ounce of compassion would react in some way to a person crying. Even if he doesn't know what to do he could say so. I am probably giving him too much benefit of the doubt.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 28/11/2013 15:10

I don't think he has a problem expressing himself btw, he's expressing himself with his behaviour, his words, and his control of the discussion. He has you running around in circles OP.

MerryMarigold · 28/11/2013 15:45

I think you probably need to get a bit angrier about this than you are. This definitely.

FluffyJumper · 28/11/2013 15:51

You say that basically your sex life is crap, he tells you that your marriage is not strong and all you think is 'oh no, I won't be able to have a baby'. I think maybe he's thinking 'if this is as good as things are going to get I'm not sure that it's quite good enough.'

digerd · 28/11/2013 15:52

I think he has explained as much as he can/wants to in that he does love you but just as things are and have been. He loves you as a wife but wouldn't if you were a mother of his children. Marriage and children are not what he wants, not the life he wants. He wants only you and him to be together. That is the future he wants.
He would be the same with any other wife. I don't think he meant you in particular at all. He should have told you before you got married, though.Sad

Original poster
ganford · 28/11/2013 15:53

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the help and wish I had posted something months ago. I have written down the points I want to make (so I don't get all emotional and sidetracked) and will try to have the conversation tonight if he comes home at a reasonable time. Will let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

OP posts:
FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 28/11/2013 15:57

sounds awful OP.

The baby isn't the main issue! The issue if if you both should continue in a bad relationship, just because….

why?

tessa6 · 28/11/2013 15:59

ganford, I'd look very carefully into this 'our relationship isn't strong enough' thing. It's another way of saying, 'I'm not sure I want to have children with YOU'. That's what makes it so brutal and tricky. Does he actually mean, 'i don't want to be permanently committed and connected to someone who I am starting to have doubts about regarding sex life/chemistry etc'? But you're married? So he must have been sure once…

I know this is a dangerous thing to say and I could get pilloried but could he be involved with someone else?

IamGluezilla · 28/11/2013 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ganford · 28/11/2013 16:09

Tessa6, yep, it's pretty soul destroying, and we didn't get married a long time ago. At what point things changed, I just don't know. And if he entered the marriage with doubts, well, that just breaks my heart a little bit more.

I honestly don't think he is with someone else, from a practical/logistical point of view if nothing else. But of course stranger things have happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
ganford · 28/11/2013 16:12

Condoms. I came off the pill when he first said yes to having a baby when we could afford one. I also lost 10kgs and got super fit and healthy.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/11/2013 16:34

Okay, sorry, ganford, your pain is palpable, I really feel for you.

Can you be specific about time frame? Fine if you don't want to, for fear of being outed, but it makes a difference if say, you were married two years ago versus six.

Have you managed to speak to him any more? I am deeply worried about his uncaring reaction when you are so upset. Has this always been the case? Has he recently become more detached and/or critical? Do you ordinarily find it possible to talk through difficult problems in and around the relationship?

tessa6 · 28/11/2013 16:36

It is possible he is hamfistedly trying to postpone the baby issue by saying the first thing in his head, just because he isn't ready. It makes a big difference how emotionally articulate/honest he is normally. Or it could be he does not want to be further committed to the marriage for any number of reasons. I know a lot of men in their early 30s and frankly none of them are ready/fit to have babies yet!

pacificjade · 28/11/2013 16:43

Ganford, I went through a very similar situation with my XP. He stalled for years whilst making various excuses. He finally agreed that we should try for a baby and then stopped having sex with me. I don't think he was trying to be cruel, I know he loved me, but he just couldn't physically (literally) commit to having children.

I realised I wouldn't change him & that ultimately we wanted different things out of life. I left him. It felt like the hardest thing in the world at the time, as we had been together over 10 years, but I did meet someone else & am now happily married with 2 DC.

I hope that you can work things out with your DH, but he needs to be fully committed to you and the idea of a family for it to work. He needs to commit now and if he doesn't, I think you need to think seriously whether you want to stay in the relationship on those terms.

MadBusLady · 28/11/2013 16:47

Good luck with the chat, Ganford. I hope tessa is right and he is just thoughtlessly saying the first thing that comes into his head to stall you - though obviously that still leaves the children problem.

And don't worry that you are starting this process too late. I think you are probably starting it just in time.

Twinklestein · 28/11/2013 17:02

The question is what is behind the stalling: is he just trying to put off kids, or is he trying to put off the upheaval of splitting up over the kids issue.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/11/2013 17:16

Does it matter why he's stalling?

You're in your early 30s, you want kids.

He's wasting your time and telling you he doesn't love you enough.

It's time to bail.

Maybe he'll get a big wake up call and come after you realising that he's being a dick.

And maybe you'll actually give a shit if he does.

Hogwash · 28/11/2013 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady · 28/11/2013 17:21

One more small thought - do you tend to police yourself a bit for signs of getting "emotional", perhaps in anticipation that he'll use it as a criticism? I just wonder that on the basis of your last post, and also the way you bent over backwards in a very rational way to find a possible context for his statement in your OP.

Emotional responses, so long as you're not screaming and wailing, are perfectly legitimate and IMO should be brought into a discussion of something so important, not pushed aside if they don't meet a given standard of rationality. That will not get you the discussion you need.

YoDiggity · 28/11/2013 17:26

I think that comment about the relationship is a huge red flag. If you had discussed children and agreed on children before you married then he has clearly changed his mind, or just doesn't want them with you. Either way it's a huge problem and I would not be hanging around and wasting all my fertile years waiting for him to change his mind back again.

I am sorry. I think if you do manipulate or emotionally blackmail him into parenthood it will backfire on you and he will leave eventually. It is entirely up to you whether you are prepared to take that risk or whether you are brave enough to cut your losses and look elsewhere while you still can.

Twinklestein · 28/11/2013 17:34

Why he's stalling matters because if he does want kids with the OP but is putting it off, there's a possibility of it working out; but if he's stalling because he doesn't want kids (at least with her) and doesn't want to break up, then she needs to get out asap.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/11/2013 17:46

If he's stalling and not being honest about his reasons for doing so, she should leave regardless of whether he could eventually be convinced to have children with her.

EirikurNoromaour · 28/11/2013 17:51

What did you agree about children before you got married?

Twinklestein · 28/11/2013 18:08

I think stalling on kids is so common in men, half my friends would have left their partners on that basis who actually stepped up to the plate eventually

However, some don't. If he is genuinely willing, he's got to be prepared to start trying now.