Issue with parents (and my own loneliness)

[MrsTrellisNorthWales]

This is going to be long, sorry.

Quick background. Am single, have been for last 4 years, 40 next year, have friends, job, own flat, hobbies, but fed up going home every night to empty home and waking up alone. 9-year relationship broke down when I was 35. Dreading another lonely Christmas although working most of it. I have my parents and one set of very elderly grandparents but no other family. No children (never wanted any) but I do have a godchild.

My parents and I get on well to an extent but not really close or affectionate. They never were when I was a child. They never minded I didn't want kids. Six years ago mum agreed to give up work to look after an ex-neighbour's toddler instead. The child has had more affection and attention than I ever did and has always called them Grampy and Granny. He has had a bedroom in our home for some years, full of toys and things, and stays over regularly. They have taken him on holiday with them. We never went on holiday until I was 15 because they wouldn't put the dog in kennels. Three Christmases ago I realised there was only ONE photo of me in their living room (taken 5 years ago). There are dozens of this 'adopted grandchild', in the living room, the kitchen, everywhere. I think there might be one of me as a toddler upstairs. So two Christmases ago among their presents I gave them a photo frame with space for 3 photos and a label that said when they knew where to put it and which way up (landscape or portrait) I would give them 3 photos for it.

My nan obviously guessed why I gave this because in a quiet moment she actually said "I know why you've done that and I don't blame you, you never got that attention" Eventually my mum told me where it was going to go, so I got three good photos of me - one a sort of portrait thing and two of me doing hobbies. I have been over a couple of times this year and It still isn't up. After more than 2 years. There are more and more photos of someone else and more and more toys in his bedroom.

When I was in my teens, I rushed home with some exam results I was overjoyed with. I got in and my mum told me about a Saturday job going in the village. I wanted to tell her my news but she insisted I rang about the job first. I would get given board games at Xmas but they never played them with me, I'd have to go round my grandparents. We weren't well off for a long time and they certainly did a lot for me in terms of things but the more I look back the more I feel there was little affection. I had depression when I was 17 and have suffered a few times since. When I split with my ex, they did a lot of work on the flat I bought (Dad a builder) for which I was hugely grateful.

Christmas I will probably do the same as usual and go round in the morning, stay for lunch and then come home to my flat. Usually Mum and Dad will just sit watching TV the rest of the day, my grandparents will sleep they are so old now bless them, so pointless my being there being ignored.

I think a lot of my loneliness stems from the lack of affection and seeing how my parents are with this other child when they never were with me. I thought it was just me being silly for a while but the fact that my elderly nan spotted it too means it's not. My nan - and my parents - always said I was a very good child and teen, never caused them any worry or trouble.

I was going to tell them how all this has made me feel but the child's father has recently died. Which of course is devastating and I do feel sorry about it. But every time I visit and see almost nothing of me, their own son, but surrounded by everything to do with him, and constantly being told all the things they do with him they never did with me, it just rubs salt into the wounds. I worry this Christmas it will boil over and I may not be able to keep quiet.

Am I being a total git?

Not a git but I think, at the stage of life you are now, you should be able to derive more fulfilment from your work or friends or partner than you do from your parents. Your parents are dotty about some toddler... other people are dotty about some dog or other. What can you do? :) If you've got all this resentment building up it's also better to say something direct rather than go the passive aggressive route with oblique references to photo frames.

Suggestion. Rather than following the same old dull routine why not take some leave, have a look at some holiday brochures and find some singles tours to an exotic place this Christmas? Do a Shirley Valentine, make a break for independence, shag a few waiters...

I think the OP is man cog

That aside I agree with that you are putting too much emphasis on emotional support from your parents. Fwiw my DP doted on her dog ( and probably has more photos of it in the house) and showered it with more love than she ever showed me. I think you need to grab life and stop dwelling in the past. On line dating maybe? sounds like you are wanting a relationship.

I believe men can also shag waiters... :)

I meant DM not DP duh!

But then it would be doing a Berni Valentine than surely

Yes, I am a guy, but I don't shag waiters!

Blossom - yes, I want a relationship. Despite being out and about and involved in all sorts of clubs, classes etc, never meet any single women. Even friends don't have any single friends. Tried the online dating thing, didn't work for me - probably a bit too rural an area.

Cog - unfortunately the role I am in means leave at Xmas isn't an option. Added to which, having looked at singles tours to exotic places (or even less exotic), they are out of my price range.

I don't think I want or need any emotional support now at my age. It is a bit hurtful, though, to see someone else get all the affection and closeness I would have liked when I was that age from my own parents. Christmas is bad enough when long-term single when you have no other family I guess.

OK then how about making that your New Year Resolution (much as I hate them) i.e. to have something more interesting to do next Christmas than sit sucking down sherry with your toddler-obsessed oldsters?

It is sad that watching the relationship between this toddler and your parents has led to you looking back and wishing you might have had some of the affection and attention he is now getting.

It is likely the older your parents have become, the more time and money they have to lavish on a child, I am sure that they have never meant for you to feel like you have been sidelined by this child, but maybe it is a surrogate grandchild - anyone with a child who has living grandparents know that they are there to spoil children, it is what they do, we as parents never have the ability to do this because we have to be the sensible ones who deal with the practicalities of day to day life with a child and often we do not have the time and money to be so lavish.

My own dad became close to a family up the road who have 2 sons and did lots with them, I felt very jealous at the time, but I think he was just at an age, with time and resources that he didn't have when I was that age.

If it is eating you up, I think you should say something - but as Cog says, not in a passive aggressive way, come out with it. Let them know that you feel sad that they are so close to this child and you feel you never had that level of affection from them. Maybe not on Christmas day over the turkey though...

Would it help if you forged a better relationship with them? Can you invite them to start a hobby with you so you spend more time with them? Or would it be better as Cog suggests to think, OK, they love doting on this boy, there is no harm in it, I shall get on and make better friends, find a partner to come home to, and fill my life with fun just as they are, so you are not feeling blue when you look at the relationship they have taken on with this little boy.

You are not being a git, your feelings are valid, but you need to look at them objectively and think about what you want to do with them.

OP I am a little puzzled my your statement "I don't think I want or need any emotional support now at my age" But you are man in your 40's worried because your DM does not have photos of you all over her house and jealous of a toddler. Sorry I don't mean to be unkind but really feel you need to grow up.

Blossom - I don't want them to stop showering affection on him. I just wanted to know whether I was being a total arse for wishing that they might have shown the same affection for me when I was growing up. And that feeling is more prevalent when I go to see my parents because of the photos and toys etc.

I obviously am a total arse.

Don't be to hard on yourself you sound nice but a bit needy, I think you need to make big effort to meet available woman and get yourself an emotional life away from mum.

You are not a total arse at all. (BTW why are you called 'Mrs' if you are a man... 'tis confusing)

I just think you have to accept that was how it was then... and this is how it is now. Maybe they have more time and more disposable cash whereas when they were bringing you up, they didn't. I don't think you should feel jealous of a toddler... I can understand a little bit but I just think you have to give it up and make your own life better somehow. Also you said that your Dad came round and did a lot of work on the flat you bought... surely that is their way of showing they care about you?

I can't believe some of the harsh comments you've had on here. 'Grow up'???? How is that supposed to help the OP exactly?

You are not a git or an arse or anything else derogatory OP. I know how it feels to desperately want something from your parents which you feel they haven't/can't give you, and at the same time to feel dreadful that you are an adult and should no longer want these things. Your parent doting on this toddler has obviously brought up some very deep feelings for you. It sounds like you feel rejected and isolated and very alone. Being told that you 'should' be feeling differently is just going to make you feel even more miserable. I'm am currently jealous of a toddler myself for reasons which I won't go into - it feels like shit but it is what it is and I'm managing it through psychotherapy.

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. Only you know whether a conversation with your parents about this would be something useful or would just add to your pain. Please don't be too hard on yourself and try not to get bogged down in advice about how you 'should' be feeling - you feel how you do for good reasons. As I said, I see a psychotherapist to help deal with my family issues and I can't recommend it highly enough.

This is a particularly horrible time of year for people who have painful family issues so please go easy on yourself. And keep posting if it helps

I don't think you sound needy, I think you sound understandably upset.

There may be many reasons why your parents didn't treat you with affection-PND, marital strife, financial or other difficulties. It is so hard for you to know. In families with more than one child it often happens that the relationship with one is affectionate and with another problematic, with no obvious reason. It is genuinely devastating for the unfavoured child, and even at nearly 40, it's got to really sting. I know, my mother was the unfavoured child in her family, and it never ceased to hurt.

Don't resent the kid though, and see if you and he can't get along and have fun together. Treat him as an almost sibling and you may gain from this rather odd set-up just as your parents are doing.

I can only say, they aren't there for you emotionally through no fault of yours, and sadly I suspect that won't change. So as others have said the best thing for you to do is get yourself into a position where you have compensations, friends, activities and yes, romantic partners. Make building that your task for 2014. Save up for a good holiday (singles or otherwise), start hosting friends more, plan to have something better lined up for Xmas 2014.

Hi OP. I wanted to reply because I see a lot of my husband in your post. He has a younger sister and his parents are very odd. That's the only word I can use. They don't seem to like him much, pay him much attention etc in relation to what I would consider is normal or in comparison to his younger sister.

He has struggled with this. I think he feels that his parents don't really like him and it's very hard from my point of view to disagree because they don't appear to. It's not as though he's a "problem child" or ever was. He was and is very sensible, hard working and successful. But they're horrible to him. Ignore him, make fun of him, make absolutely no secret of the fact that they like his sister and her husband more than him and me.

The only thing I will say is that he's got me, a baby on the way and my family and that makes it easier. Perhaps you need to focus on another element of your life whether that be in getting fulfilment from work, a relationship or something else.

To be honest your parents sound like arses, emotionally backward and I think you're fighting a losing battle. I think you need to look outside the family unit of your parents to find happiness at this point.

My heart goes out to you though OP. It's not fair and not your fault.

Hi OP. This must be very hard for you. FWIW, I think most grandparents are far more dotty over grandkids than their own kids. I know this child is not your parents' 'real' grandchild, but he has assumed this position now, so I don't think the pictures all over etc. are odd at all. It's also generally nicer to look at pics of cute kids than pictures of adults!

Your Nan sounds awesome. I think you need to forget Christmas this year and plan something to look forward to. You don't need a 'singles' tour, just a good holiday with some friends.

Thanks guys, appreciate all the advice/comments.

I think sometimes it's hard for people who have their own children, an other half, and perhaps siblings and other family, just how isolating it can feel at times being an only child and long-term single, even at almost 40.

As I said, I have plenty of friends who I spend a lot of time with, which is great and I am always busy doing stuff - but it's not the same as having close family or a partner.

No you are not being an arse (but some people are being arses in their comments telling you to grow up). What you are feeling is normal.

I think for some people it is tricky for them to show intimacy to their own children. It is too intimate and may bring up all sorts of issues that they have from their own childhoods which is uncomfortable for them. This is probably why they find it easier within someone more removed. They may also be playing out what they wished they had given you.

Do you have to live in a rural area? 40 isn't too old to find a partner and have your own family. Could you step out of your comfort zone and do some voluntary work in another country if you can't afford the trips, or something else that will mean you meet an entirely different group of people?

Oh just I presume you are refering to me. Sorry but I don't think it is normal for a 40 yr to be worried about his mum not having pictures of him all over the house and being jealous of a toddler. Just my opinion. And I have made useful suggestions to OP, hope he makes a fulfilling life for himself and these things will not be important.

Also lotta Git and arse are things OP called himself not me.

Oooo do define 'normal' for us blossom, that would be so helpful.

Op you are not an arse. It is perfectly 'normal' to look back on a childhood where you didn't get the affection and attention a child is entitled to. It is perfectly normal to feel sad when you see clear evidence that this lack of attention wasn't due to any inability to express emotions by your parents, as they are managing now!

But I agree with others - they are who they are and they have done what they have done. I don't think you will change them or get the recognition or apologies you might want. Because then they would have to admit being crap parents and that's a big ask for anyone.

I agree you need to concentrate on making your world richer and more emotionally fulfilling. Give on line dating another go. Consider some volunteer work to give your emotional energies a more outward focus.

A friend of mine met, fell in love with and has since had 4 children with a great guy who was a 50 yo lonely singleton. It can happen. He was very lucky, it all fell into his lap. What can you do to make it more likely? You need to be brave, join in and take control of your happiness.
Good luck, you sound lovely.

I'm glad you have friends. Do they know you're lonely? People generally are very respectful and wouldn't ask or matchmake, tell them and you might be surprised.

I really feel for the OP. I think it isn't just about photos or even the toddler grandson-by-proxy. It's about a deep sense of rejection and loneliness exacerbated by being single and alone.

Parental love is fundamental to our sense of self-esteem and self-worth and where that is lacking it impacts hugely on future relationships. That's not to say the OPs parents didn't love him, I'm sure they did, they just didn't demonstrate it in a way that he benefited from. And now, hitting 40 and finding himself alone and lonely and lacking in confidence he's reflecting on his childhood experience IMO.

As hard as it is I think you need to move away from the idea that you need to 'fix' your parents and try and create the loving relationship that you yearn for with another adult. Online dating might be a good way to do it as it's quite transparent, you know what you're there for! Worth signing up again maybe, and being a bit more proactive with travelling and meeting potential dates?

Sorry but I don't think it is normal for a 40 yr to be worried about his mum not having pictures of him all over the house and being jealous of a toddler.

I don't think that this is what upsets him, I think you've missed the point.