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Original poster

Is it normal to not care about loosing virginity? (LONG)

42 replies

BeigeDarling · 27/11/2013 15:46

Pre story; I'm a 16 year old girl and I lost my virginity last night. it was to one of my best guy friends who I had a massive thing for, for about 4/5 months. he has a girlfriend but last night I went to his and slept with him (his idea might I add, not that it makes it okay obviously)

However, in the middle of sex he suddenly stopped and I think the realisation of what he was doing was too much, and kept saying 'what are we doing?' and 'I can't do this'. I told him that at the end of the day it's completely his decision if we carry on, it's him who's in a relationship and it was completely up to him if he wanted to stop. we agreed to stop, it was awkward and probably shouldn't have happened, so I left.

We are both pretending it never happened and not telling anyone. When I left I couldn't help but get angry at myself because of the way I felt, or didn't feel, because I just kinda didn't feel anything. I wasn't angry, or upset, and didn't regret it either.

My best friend (who knew what was going on between us) couldn't understand how I honestly didn't care that I'd lost my virginity to someone who didn't care for me the way I did for him, and doesn't understand how I'm not bothered at all.

For me it was almost like closure. I'd spend 5 months constantly thinking about him, and fully believed that sex with him what I wanted. he realised he can't continue to cheat on his girlfriend (which he's been doing ever since they were together, she knows and hasn't ended it) and I realised that it didn't feel right and perhaps it wasn't what I wanted, and I feel like I can completely move on from him now I've experienced it.

No idea if any of this makes sense, I just can't understand why loosing my virginity doesn't mean anything to me, and how I can just move on so easily from it..

I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me it's okay to feel like this.. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:

annhathaway · 27/11/2013 15:55

If it doesn't matter to you then it doesn't matter. But you need to have a long hard think about your part in this because he DOES have a girlfriend and you don't seem to care about her at all.

You tempted him, he gave in - for a few minutes- then backed off. Sounds about right to me- he has some decency- do you?

annhathaway · 27/11/2013 15:57

So he cheats on her anyway with other girls?
And you think he's a good catch?

Set your compass again.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 27/11/2013 16:07

Oh, morals when you're 16

Original poster

BeigeDarling · 27/11/2013 16:08

I care incredibly about his girlfriend, she's a lovely girl and he doesn't treat her right. When I first started to like him, he lead me on, kissed me a lot and tried to get me to give him oral sex. I found out the day afterwards he was with the girl for a week and hadn't told me. I told her straight away but she didn't want to end things with him.

I had fallen for him so much that It hurt an incredible amount to find out he was using me. Then, 4 months later he's still texting me and asking to meet up for casual sex. Because he knew I still liked him, I found in incredibly hard to say no, but the last night I could say no to him anymore. I wanted to make him happy, and I guess subconsciously I thought perhaps he'd like me for it.

We both realised it was wrong and stopped it. I know it makes me a bad person too, because this time I knew he had a girlfriend unlike before. I just don't get why I feel so empty and nothing-y

OP posts:

LifeofPo · 27/11/2013 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfondoRosso · 27/11/2013 16:12

Of course it's OK to feel like this - there's no template for how you should feel after losing your virginity.

But honestly, he sounds a complete dick and you'd be better moving on.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 27/11/2013 16:12

BTW, yes. I don't think virginity is some super special secret thing. It's sex - it's perfectly fine to enjoy it for what it is, to not feel ready for it (even after it feels like "everyone else" is doing it), or to feel that it has to come from a place of love. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself, emotionally and physically. And emotionally means that if you're emotionally involved with someone, it's not a great idea to sleep with them when they are emotionally involved with somebody else. But the pull is so high when you're young and everything's crashing around in there - just take a few moments to step out of the situation, breathe and really look at what's going on. (And remember your sexual health too - pill AND condoms!)

Original poster

BeigeDarling · 27/11/2013 16:16

Well at least it's ok to feel how i do. I never understood why it was made into such a big thing and thought perhaps i experienced i would understand it, but i still don't.

Although in years to come, if i'm in a relationship and someone asks how i lost my virginity, perhaps it'll bother me then.. Thank-you everyone though

OP posts:

IsTheGrassGreener · 27/11/2013 16:17

(As an aside, be careful who you sleep with. Always use a condom. Learn to say no.)

I'd say you should go and find someone who doesn't play games or sleep around, and who actually cares about you as a person. If you only feel 'nothingness' then is should be easy to forget this experience and move on.

Prepare to feel really bad about the cheating in a day or two. It may take time to hit home. It is not nice. (I have been there.)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2013 16:22

You are 16 and actually have a lot to learn as well as a lot of life in front of you.

He used you and unfortunately you allowed yourself to be used. You need to look at why you did what you did.

Concentrate instead on your own self and future and raise your own standards for relationships as of now. Love your own self for a change, such boys who actually think very little of females generally do self esteem no favours at all and treat women as sex objects. Do not value yourself so poorly and work on your own self worth.

Original poster

BeigeDarling · 27/11/2013 16:23

yeah, i know. being so close to him did help as i did trust him though, and i have incredibly low self esteem and self confidence, so in some ways i guess it did mean something to me. i don't get naked for just anyone. EVER. but it would never ever happen again, and i'd prefer to be in a relationship..

and thanks for the warning! that is the only part that make's me feel guilty. especially having seen friends/parents go through being cheated on. erugh

OP posts:

Matildathecat · 27/11/2013 16:26

The kind of guy who has a girlfriend yet asks her friend for a blow job and is up for giving her a quick shag yet doesn't want to lose the.girlfriend...well, you will feel kind of empty and nothing. Because he uses you and other girls as if you are nothing.

Learn from this. Sure let it go but don't get into a cycle of meaningless sex. It's really damaging for your self esteem. Remember almost all young guys are looking at porn a lot and may have quite a skewed idea of what romance, love and lovemaking really are.

He's a loser.get out there and meet a nicer guy who actually values you. When you actually get to make love with someone then you'll know the difference.

IsTheGrassGreener · 27/11/2013 16:28

Oh and btw I didn't feel anything 'special' either when I lost my virginity. So I don't think it's unusual. Maybe the 'nothingness' stems from your expectation that you should feel something given the circumstances, be it positive or negative.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 27/11/2013 16:30

Ah I see - it sounds like you went into it hoping that it would somehow change things, and now it hasn't, you're wondering where that went.

That's just one of those unfortunate lessons I'm afraid :( Most of us have been there and figured it out by making the mistake. Having sex will not make someone like you - if a guy is the kind to imply that it will make a difference, then he's a dick who is using you for sex. Sometimes boys take a little bit longer to grow up in this area, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with the behaviour in the meantime, because again different people just see it differently - either as something which is fun and casual between two people but ultimately doesn't have to mean anything, or something which is all tied up with emotional stuff and hence does mean something.

Unfortunately some boys in the first category have absorbed the myth that all boys are in the first and all girls are in the second, so they take to pretending that it means something to them in order to get girls to sleep with them. In fact it's total rubbish, because plenty of girls enjoy and are happy to have casual sex and plenty of boys like it to be emotional only. So if everyone was honest with each other from the start about the kind of sex they wanted to have, then it would be much easier and nobody would get hurt. Most people figure this out sometime in their late teens/early 20s, and unfortunately some idiots never figure it out (or don't care) and continue to lie about their intentions forever. But at your age, it's perfectly normal to make mistakes, and to not know what you are feeling about sex/relationships/a particular person and the feelings can be much more overwhelming and intense and hard to resist than they are later (I suppose because you've already been through it before). But although it's horrible at the time it is okay to get hurt because it helps you figure out what you do and don't want from a relationship and in some ways it's easier to do this by just doing it, rather than having some idea of what you want which is totally theoretical.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2013 16:31

Empty and nothingy is pretty standard if you've sold yourself short with a two-timer. If you have low self-esteem already, it'll sink. Great sex.... and you'll just have to take the word of an old lady... is about connecting mentally, and not just inserting Part A into Part B.

Agree with the PP that you should work on your self-confidence and independence. Happiness is entirely within your gift, not in the approval of others.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 27/11/2013 16:35

I didn't feel much either. I remember walking around thinking "Isn't the world supposed to look brighter or something?!" and wondering if everyone could tell. Of course, they can't. Because in reality it makes no difference to anything ever if you have gone one step further or not, especially if you've already done other things. The notion of virginity is a weird concept when you think about it, and the importance probably religious - especially as it's historically and socially been more important for women to "remain pure" than men.

BTW, just because you've done it now, you're perfectly fine to tell him (or anyone else) that you want to go back to some other stage, you don't have to keep on doing it if you don't want to - but equally it's fine to do it again if you do want. Just don't let anybody guilt trip you with "Well you've done it before!" - it doesn't work like that. You have the right to decide each and every time and what came before has absolutely no relevance.

NeoFaust · 27/11/2013 16:37

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on right.

Good on you.

Original poster

BeigeDarling · 27/11/2013 16:46

It sounds bad but when he stopped, i couldn't help but think perhaps it was my fault, or that i was doing something wrong and wasn't good enough for him. I have a tendency to over-think though so i've been trying to block that thought. If i go to have sex again with someone though, i think that thought will come back and then i'll freak out about it.

I appreciate the comments and i agree with what everyone's saying, and it's helpful (believe it or not) to see from other people's perspectives.

Neo can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2013 16:52

You won't freak out if you put this one down to experience and resolve to get to know someone properly before the next time and be damn sure that they are worth your affection. A good lover is going to be caring, patient and considerate. When you're with them you'll feel relaxed and happy. They won't coerce you to do anything you're not comfortable with or make you feel awkward or embarrassed.

So work on your confidence and then be very, very fussy about who you let near your body...

annhathaway · 27/11/2013 18:21

Just write it off as a bad experience. Sometimes losing your virginity is a big deal if you love the other person but in your case it was just disappointing on many scores. Don't give in to boys who are just after 1 thing.'twas ever thus!

CailinDana · 27/11/2013 19:23

Virginity was only ever "special" because it was used as a way to control and shame women. Boys were expected to "sow their wild oats" while girls were expected to remain "pure". Really first time sex is usually a bit rubbish. It takes time to get the hang of it. You will get better at it.

But. Don't ever have the mindset that offering sex will make a guy like you. The only piece of sexual advice worth having is this IMO: your body is unimaginably precious and you are the only person in the world who is entitled to use it. Use it wisely.

LIZS · 27/11/2013 19:32

Shall I be the one who hopes you used protection and that he normally does with his gf et al. Sorry but he sounds as if plays the field and may not be the most trustworthy of partners, certainly not a keeper. You've told your best friend , bet he's told his , do you think his gf may mind if/when she finds out?

EQ2Junkie · 27/11/2013 19:33

I hope you used condoms as he clearly likes to spread himself around.

Be aware they don't protect 100% against STIs.

HappyCliffmas · 27/11/2013 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfondoRosso · 27/11/2013 21:31

CailinDana is spot on about the societal 'value' of virginity. Wise words.

I lost my virginity to an idiot, a one night stand who didn't want to see me again. To be honest, I don't regret it because it doesn't define me or how I feel about sex now. I feel like to regret it is playing into the hands of people who want to keep women feeling ashamed of themselves for not being 'virtuous.'

I would move on from this guy now. He doesn't sound worth your time. And as other posters have said, please always ensure you're protected.

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