Is it normal to not care about loosing virginity? (LONG)

[BeigeDarling]

Pre story; I'm a 16 year old girl and I lost my virginity last night. it was to one of my best guy friends who I had a massive thing for, for about 4/5 months. he has a girlfriend but last night I went to his and slept with him (his idea might I add, not that it makes it okay obviously)

However, in the middle of sex he suddenly stopped and I think the realisation of what he was doing was too much, and kept saying 'what are we doing?' and 'I can't do this'. I told him that at the end of the day it's completely his decision if we carry on, it's him who's in a relationship and it was completely up to him if he wanted to stop. we agreed to stop, it was awkward and probably shouldn't have happened, so I left.

We are both pretending it never happened and not telling anyone. When I left I couldn't help but get angry at myself because of the way I felt, or didn't feel, because I just kinda didn't feel anything. I wasn't angry, or upset, and didn't regret it either.

My best friend (who knew what was going on between us) couldn't understand how I honestly didn't care that I'd lost my virginity to someone who didn't care for me the way I did for him, and doesn't understand how I'm not bothered at all.

For me it was almost like closure. I'd spend 5 months constantly thinking about him, and fully believed that sex with him what I wanted. he realised he can't continue to cheat on his girlfriend (which he's been doing ever since they were together, she knows and hasn't ended it) and I realised that it didn't feel right and perhaps it wasn't what I wanted, and I feel like I can completely move on from him now I've experienced it.

No idea if any of this makes sense, I just can't understand why loosing my virginity doesn't mean anything to me, and how I can just move on so easily from it..

I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me it's okay to feel like this.. Sorry for the essay!

yes we did use condoms,

and LIZS his best mate is one of my best mates too, but i know he wouldn't tell even him because he wouldn't want his girlfriend having any chance of knowing. he said before i left that 'this never happened, yeah?' and it sounds ridiculous because he's a massive cheat and liar, but i trust him 100% on this part.

I don't know his girlfriend particularly well, and she doesn't live near us so i don't really know. i guess she would mind, why would anyone be ok about that? but the last time she cheated on him, she let him get away with it because she knows he'll never change, yet won't split up with him.

What everyone else said :)

And yes, please, don't think of sex as being some kind of power or gift or something you need to "get right". It's best to think of it as being a really fun thing but a collaborative thing. In my opinion it isn't something you can be "good" or "bad" at, because it's not about learning a set of skills - it's about communication, first and foremost. It's about being able to say yes, that's good, or hmm, not doing it for me, and being confident that there are no right or wrong answers because every person is different. It's about being aware of your partner and looking to them for the non-verbal signals and being open to ideas they want to try, and also respecting their boundaries (whether they're showing them verbally or non-verbally) - all of this obviously goes for both partners or it doesn't work.

It isn't a race, or a test. You don't get a prize for rushing through everything. It's actually much better if you slow down and really allow yourself to explore what you like, and what your partner likes, and in detail! Not just "where" but "how" for example. You don't pass or fail if you like or dislike or outright don't want to try certain things and it isn't mandatory to make the other person have a mind-blowing orgasm. What it is is about you, and the other person, and if ANYBODY ever makes you feel like you're "not good enough for them" then THEY are the one who is bad in bed. Because they've spectacularly missed the point - which is that sex isn't about magically knowing what to do or having special moves, it's about communicating and exploring and connecting with each other. If you're left feeling like you're no good, then it's probably because they weren't doing this.

The whole connection/communication thing, BTW, can happen in the context of a loving relationship or with a completely casual partner, but it's certainly easier when you know the person well enough to be able to read them a little bit and feel comfortable telling them how you feel.

In future, no sleepovers on a school night...

You sound fairly sensible OP. IMO there comes a time when you just need to get it done and out the way, I think that was your moment.

And in the scheme of cheating this is small beer, and you were the unattached party. Don't sweat it.

You say you don't care but it only happened last night. You still think that you have a chance with him. Give it a couple of weeks and you might regret that you have been used in this way.

The guy is a complete loser. Two young girls are allowing themselves to be treated appallingly. Why? Do young women need the attention of a low life in order to feel validated?

Do yourself a favour, walk away don't look back, put yourself first and never settle for a moron again.

I don't think losing your virginity is in any way a big deal.

However, sleeping with someone else's boyfriend is a horrible thing to do. I think you should think about why you would do that to another girl/woman.

Then, 4 months later he's still texting me and asking to meet up for casual sex.

That says a lot about his standards. You're probably not the only woman he has been texting for casual sex. Hope you wore a condom!

BTW, you're English/typing skills are remarkably good for a 16 year old. Have you thought about a career in journalism?

Apart from the fact that she uses the word loose when she means lose.

Hello OP -

Unfulfilling or immoral one night stands will still feel like that in your twenties. That's just what dispassionate consensual sex is like!

Seriously though don't worry. You talk a good tough talk but I think what you're really saying is you wish losing it had been a more magical experience. From your description of what happened you could easily describe this (to yourself) as 'nearly having sex'/just fooling around and lose it again in a better situation at the right time.

Eventually you'll really fall in love with someone and sparks will fly.

p.s. Stay away from him now, and learn a lesson about fancying that flashest/loudest boys in town.

It's the geeks that are dynamite in bed, op.

I wanted to make him happy

I've rtft but wanted to pick up on this. Yes, I know you're only 16 but please don't ever do something to make somebody else happy. Especially when it comes to sex, you should be the one he makes happy and with a feeling of control.

I think you'll be ok in the long run, this Nest Of Vipers™ will be there when you need them.

Agree with DoctorTwo, a lot of my pain was mostly caused by wanting to make someone happy and wanting someone else to help me feel loved and safe. I did end up getting that eventually, but through following my own hobbies and interests, worked much better than previous efforts through my local area.

Virginity is a social construct that is thankfully becoming less and less important. However you feel about it is fine, you are no different now than before other than a slightly better understanding of the guy you fancied and how expectations don't meet up.

I wish you the best, 16 was a very rough year for me, it thankfully got a lot better for me only a few years afterwards.

This post reminds me of another 16 yr old. And I also agree with worldgonecrazy

BeigeDarling, I'm a little confused now:

BeigeDarling Wed 27-Nov-13 16:08:36
I care incredibly about his girlfriend, she's a lovely girl

BeigeDarling Wed 27-Nov-13 21:50:13
I don't know his girlfriend particularly well, and she doesn't live near us

I'm sorry your first experience wasn't more positive for you but I'm sure it will be the first of many. Things will probably improve in future encounters.
Don't overthink it, and don't feel bad about yourself in any way.