Is it over?

[SomethingProfound]

I have been with my DP for nearly three years (off and on) we recently moved in together, about two months ago.

However for the past few weeks I have felt distant from him. I don't want to have sex or be affectionate.

I'm getting so frustrated with him. He is a very grumpy person (by his own admission) and not at all talkative this wasn't a problem before but now we are living together it is really getting me down. For example after work I will ask him how his day was the only response I get is a grunt, shrug or he will just say "it's work", he NEVER asks me about my day.

I have to organise every leisure activity or how we spend the rare days/evenings we have off together.

All cleaning is is up to me, if I give him detailed instructions he will follow them but why should I have to we both live here both work full time why can't he just pitch in with out being asked!

I spend my days off cleaning, shopping, organising the house stuff that doesn't get done on the days we are working (we both work in the hospitality industry so work very long hours 65+ per week) He spends his days off sleeping because he has sat up until 6am drinking.

The unhappier I am becoming the more snappy I am getting, and he then does this total martyr act hang dog expression and soft voice like he is the most put upon hard done by guy in the world. Which makes me snappier and once again I'm the evil crazy bitch.

When we do spend quality time together it's fun and we really enjoy each other's company but it doesn't out way how bad it is most of the time.

I'm hoping this is just an adjustment period while we are getting used to living together but can't help thinking is this how it will always be? I just don't know what to do for the best I don't really want to split up but when I try to address these issues nothing changes.

Was he unable to cook and clean and look after his own living environment before you moved I together?

I think he is happy for you to do everything and he gets to do whatever he wants. It doesn't sound like there is much in it for you here- there will be other men you can have fun with who won't take you for granted and treat you like an unpaid skivvy.

I would get rid

Why split up?

I can certainly see not living with him - you've tried that and it doesn't work. You're different people and you don't want to live with the one he has turned out to be.

Getting someone to change is always a long row to hoe.

This is who is is.
This is what it will be like in 6 months time, 1 years time, 5 years time.
Get out now.
It's just not worth it.
Did you buy or do you rent.
If you rent then all fine and easy.
Find someone you are more compatible with.
This is not the man for you from what you say here.

I think, for your own sanity, you need to move back out.

If you stay, it will only get worse, you will end up resenting him even further.
It's only been 8weeks, you technicall should be in the honeymoon period.

But you are not. You are slaving and generally being his mother.

Move back out and take things as they come. Be honest and tell him exactly why you are leaving. If he wants you back in his life, he'll make sure he changes and carries his share of the load.

Cas, no he was perfectly capable of doing these things before, however I will admit our idea of an acceptable standard are very different!

Chap, why would I stay with someone I can't live with building a family life and home together is important to me, I'm not prepared to sacrifice that.

Hell, this is what concerns me, I love him very much but don't want this to be my life forever. The house is in my name, he moved in with me.

Sorry, OP I misread.

I saw I have been with my DP for nearly three years (off and on) we recently moved in together, about two months ago

I thought that meant it was working before when you weren't living together. As far as building a family with him? Christ, no, run for the hills.

Two months is adequate trial period to make it's not just early-day niggles and adjustments. He sounds utterly boring.

What do you get from this relationship now?.

Do not put up with this whatever you do because he will make you ever more resentful. You sound like his mother, she probably did everything she possibly could for her darling boy as well and thus made him lazy.

He sounds miserable and uncaring; why are you together at all let alone moved in together?. Infact if you were to look at this cold heartedly you would perhaps see that this whole relationship has been very on/off from quite near the beginning. That does not make for it being a great relationship at all.

He also reads like a cocklodger; such types are happy enough to have some other poor sap (in their eyes) do all the work for them. I note too that he moved in with you. He will never do his fair share of anything.

Work at it? The OP doesn't have to work at it, she's already doing all the bloody work. Eight weeks is plenty time to discover you've made a horrible mistake. He's lazy, snappy, drinks too much, boring, not interested.... 'Working at it' doesn't make it less of a mistake

Just because you have low expectations spindly, doesn't make it wrong for the OP or anyone else to have higher ones.

OPs man is also spending his days off sleeping because he has sat up until 6am drinking. If that is not worrying behaviour, I do not know what is.

Attila at the moment I'm not getting much out of the relationship but as frustrated as I am getting I still care about and love him.

Spindly He doesn't hate his job he is happy in it this was one thing I considered and asked him about.

Cogito this is what I have been torn about is two months a sufficient period of time to let two people who have had there own places for a significant period of time adapt to sharing a home. I worry that I'm being impatient and not giving this a fair chance.

I just feel very torn, but appreciate all the responses they are defiantly helping.

I don't think you're being impatient in the slightest. In the real world, someone moving into your home would be on best behaviour to begin with and super worried about pulling their weight. You don't mention it but what financial contribution is he making?

Why would you stay in this OP? What has his moving in done for you except increase your workload?

Some people are fine to go out with but impossible to live with. You've had plenty of time to see his MO. I would get on with finding someone else.

Spindly, splitting up now doesn't imply the relationship was a mistake, just that living with him is.

Moving in and living together is like a trial period and shows whether you are really compatible together on a day-to-day basis. You learn things about the other that you can't know if you are just dating and staying over at one another's place from time to time. It sounds like you are coming to the conclusion that you are not compatible together. You also mention that your relationship has been on-and-off for 3 years, so presumably either you or he had doubts about it before as well.

I agree with hells, this is not an adjustment period, this is what he is like and will be like if you continue living with him. This is the honeymoon period - it doesn't get better from here, if anything it may get worse.

Have you tried talking to him about it and asking him to do his fair share? If you have and he isn't doing it, then it's pretty clear.

Cogito All house hold bills are split 50/50.

Twinkle, I have asked myself the same question why am I in this right now the answer is because I love him, don't want to hurt him, am afraid of making a mistake, of throwing away three years due to what I was hoping (but seem unlikely to be) teething problems.

I'm off to work now so won't be able to reply.

"Attila at the moment I'm not getting much out of the relationship but as frustrated as I am getting I still care about and love him".

Do you think he loves you as much as you love him?. What is there to love about this man?.

You cannot make him change his behaviours, only he can do that and he does not want to.

If he is this way after eight weeks of living together, what's he going to be like after a year or eighteen months?.

The 3 years off and on is a bit telling, I'd still be expecting true romance and pretty much only seeing the best of each other, sounds like yous have a rocky relationship anyway.

It's your home, so your rules, he either follows them or moves out - totally unfair you are doing everything, he sounds like a big kid.

"I have asked myself the same question why am I in this right now the answer is because I love him, don't want to hurt him, am afraid of making a mistake, of throwing away three years due to what I was hoping (but seem unlikely to be) teething problems"

He is not sorry he is treating you this way. Many women fall into this trap and stay in relationships for far too long due to such above misguided thinking.

What about his responsibilities in all this?. This has been on/off for the last three years. Why are you together at all now, out of habit perhaps?. The fear of being on your own and having to start again?.