Is it over?

[SomethingProfound]

I have been with my DP for nearly three years (off and on) we recently moved in together, about two months ago.

However for the past few weeks I have felt distant from him. I don't want to have sex or be affectionate.

I'm getting so frustrated with him. He is a very grumpy person (by his own admission) and not at all talkative this wasn't a problem before but now we are living together it is really getting me down. For example after work I will ask him how his day was the only response I get is a grunt, shrug or he will just say "it's work", he NEVER asks me about my day.

I have to organise every leisure activity or how we spend the rare days/evenings we have off together.

All cleaning is is up to me, if I give him detailed instructions he will follow them but why should I have to we both live here both work full time why can't he just pitch in with out being asked!

I spend my days off cleaning, shopping, organising the house stuff that doesn't get done on the days we are working (we both work in the hospitality industry so work very long hours 65+ per week) He spends his days off sleeping because he has sat up until 6am drinking.

The unhappier I am becoming the more snappy I am getting, and he then does this total martyr act hang dog expression and soft voice like he is the most put upon hard done by guy in the world. Which makes me snappier and once again I'm the evil crazy bitch.

When we do spend quality time together it's fun and we really enjoy each other's company but it doesn't out way how bad it is most of the time.

I'm hoping this is just an adjustment period while we are getting used to living together but can't help thinking is this how it will always be? I just don't know what to do for the best I don't really want to split up but when I try to address these issues nothing changes.

But they're not teething problems are they: this is who he is.

You may love him, but he's unpleasant to live with.

You may not want to hurt him, but he doesn't seem bothered about hurting you of causing you hassle with his behaviour.

If his own behaviour nukes the relationship that's not your fault or responsibility.

You can give it another year just to make sure that it definitely won't work, but it seems a bit of a waste of time.

What will happen is - you will get to the point that you've had enough & tell him it's over. He will then panic & try and do things to please you, and because you love him, you'll say ok. Then he'll change for a bit before falling back into his old habits.

That's going to waste enough of your time as it is, so you might as well get onto the next phase...

Have you actually talked to him about your various expectatoins? I think you can't ask him to leave (unless he turns absolutely dreadful) until you've sat down and talked to him about what you expect, what he expects, where he can compromise and where you can compromise. He does need to pull his weight without doubt, not cleaning up to a -reasonable- standard and staying up drinking til 6am is not on, when you're living together.

You can make it clear that you love him but this is not working for you at the moment becuase the difference are too great and the bad is outweighing the good. What you decide then will depend on what he says; but if he decides he wants to improve you'll have to watch him for a looong time, many months, to be sure he doesnt slide back. People do. Especially if kids turn up, which you are adamant he wants.

I think with his behaviour so far there are grounds for long term doubt about how well it can go between you. But a good plain talk backed up with changes in behaviour may do the trick. If he won't talk or change ... ok, you have serious problems between you and it wont work

There's a difference between not wanting to change and not being able to change.

Which is it for your partner?

Have you actually spelt out, just as you have in your OP, how you are feeling. Don't bother hinting because in my experience hints don't work!

I needed to 'train' my hubby. When we first lived together he couldn't do anything as he'd been a mummy's boy. Difference is, he wanted me to be happy and he tried hard to learn. Is your partners attitude the same or is he not willing to try to make you happy? That's saying you've already spelt things out to him clearly of course.

I agree with others who say this might be who he is.2-3 years into a relationship is about the time it takes to get to know someone.Also it seems you are not able to communicate, he knows you are hacked off and feeling resentful but he hasn't made an effort.

Please do not think you have wasted 3 years, MN is full of threads where women knew they had relationship problems but because of emotional & time investment they decided to continue.I did this - biggest regret.Why did I stay when I saw signs...because I felt I had already spent time!! Crazy logic, if you decide to get out please don't look back..only look forward to what your future could be.Do not settle

Like Joy already noticed OP just try to talk to your DP
Sometimes the adjustment time can take longer for some people

I moved a while ago and I absolutely love it but all the problems from the past made it very hard to start with

Hopefully everything would change for better for you and your DP