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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Left abusive relationship. Practical and emotional advice....and strength!

36 replies

WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 18:58

Hi,

I wrote a thread at the very end of September about an argument I had with then OH and I was staying at my mums for the night.

Lots been going on and haven't been online so fast forward....things carried on as they were for about another 2 weeks...then another row where I finally ended it properly.
He was very intimidating and threatening, wouldn't let me leave my living room whilst he screamed, shouted at and threatened me. I managed to get hold of my sister via the iPad (!) and asked her to phone the police.
They came and I broke down to the policewoman (lots been going on for ages). They arrested him as at one point he had grabbed my face, so the policewoman said they would arrest him for that.
He was kept for 2 days then released on bail with conditions NOT TO CONTACT ME.....which of course he did, didn't leave me alone, and his family. So I told the police. He was re-arrested and kept on remand...until this Thursday 28th there is a court date for common assault (for grabbing my face), breaching his bail (contacting me) and harrassment (contacting me and his family contacting me).

I have felt so good these last 5 weeks with him nowhere near me or around me. I moved home (it has been in the pipeline since July so he does know address). I am now getting nervous about the court date.

I'm scared for when he comes out.... :-(
He would never accept me trying to leave before so I just don't know how he's going to behave...has made lots of threats to me about if I try to leave.

Realistically I just have to wait and see! But we have a daughter so there are lots of things I need to consider and I just don't know where to start!

I don't want to stop contact between him and our daughter, I know she loves him too, she keeps pulling out photos and showing people and saying "daddy, daddy, daddy" (she's nearly 2)
But lots of things worry me....his cousin went to visit him last week and she said he cut our daughters name into his arm....I don't want to be alone with him because of previous threats so I don't want him coming to my new home...so if I let him see our daughter where will it be?? What if he doesn't bring her back?!?! So many things running through my mind and I don't know where to start practically!

Sorry this is so long, thank you for reading!

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 26/11/2013 19:03

Well done!

Have you got a link to the original thread?

I am so so pleased for you.

Supervised contact centre seems to be the obvious way to go.

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 19:12

Ideally I'd have nothing to do with him ever again!!!
I just feel guilt trapped because of our daughter!!

OP posts:
OP posts:
OP posts:
FarOverTheRainbow · 26/11/2013 19:15

I have no adivce but just wanted to have how brave you've been and I really hope you get some peace of mind Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 19:15

You need to get legal representation for the contact. You've done everything you could possibly do so far and calling the police was by far the best thing for several reasons. Please don't romanticise some mythical father daughter relationship, but look at things coldly and rationally. Your DD does not actually need someone in her life that is so mentally unstable that he would self-harm using a baby's name as excuse. If he'd do that to himself, he can't be trusted. She's two and she may be fond of him but you have to keep her safe at all costs. If that means zero contact, you'd have an exceptionally good case

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 19:19

Yes Cognito that's what bothered me when she told me that he had done that. He is so unstable.
Half of me doesn't want her near him and half of me thinks could him having a relationship with her help him sort himself out and keep on the right track?

I have no idea :-(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 19:24

She's a baby. She's pointing to photos now but, give it a few months, and she'll have no recollection of him. He is unstable and violent enough for a no contact order and ideas of a change of heart are unrealistic. Look at all these appalling men in the newspapers who murder their own children just to get their own back on the poor mother. If he was anyone else in the world would you be even considering letting your precious child within 10 miles of him? Not to mention yourself.

maparole · 26/11/2013 19:28

Very very well done for standing up to the bully Grin

You can start to build yourself and your dc proper life now.

As regards contact, personally I would really not want any child of mine anywhere near someone who can behave like this. You say she loves him, but she is only 2 so of course she loves her daddy; that doesn't mean that contact with him is desirable or healthy ... what happens the first time she doesn't do what he wants?

I don't know anything about how all this works legally, but I reckon a court would say he should only have supervised contact.

Best of luck for the future.

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 20:09

Shall I apply for a court order now?

OP posts:
wordyBird · 26/11/2013 20:09

I also wouldn't want my 2 year old child near anyone who was in court for assault, particularly if that person had assaulted me.

Your little child's safety must come before all considerations, including her wish to see her dad. You have to protect her, rather than please her: this sounds obvious when written down, but it's easy to lose sight of in situations like this.

I can understand that you feel torn: but please don't imagine that your daughter can, or should be, some kind of redeeming force in your ex 's life. He has to correct his own behaviour, of his own volition. If thinking of her helps him, that's fine; but she can't be in his life for that reason.

All parental contact is meant to be for the child's benefit, and the child's benefit only.

So please try not to feel guilty about separating them, and going for supervised contact, or none, if this is seen as appropriate. You have to be strong, and keep your daughter and yourself safe and happy.

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 20:10

I have to go to court as a witness this Thursday.

I think they will release him...I don't think he will get a custodial sentence. I know he is going to call me non stop... :-(

OP posts:
KouignAmann · 26/11/2013 20:20

You need to talk to the police and your solicitor about a non molestation order and an injunction to keep him away from you. There is another thread on here about a brave lady who has set one up and her Ex has been arrested and may go to jail for sending her five text messages. You can get him out of your life!

KouignAmann · 26/11/2013 20:20

You could get a new phone too. And never tell him or his family the number.

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 20:26

Hi kouign yes a policeman did explain about getting an injunction, he said I need to get a solicitor and apply for one in court

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 20:29

I find it all so overwhelming :-(

OP posts:
HoneyandRum · 26/11/2013 20:37

It is overwhelming so just take one small step at a time. Do you have a close friend or family member who could find a solicitor and make an appointment for you?

KouignAmann · 26/11/2013 20:38

One step at a time. And we will support you and cheer you on. Nothing is ever as hard as it seems if you break it down into little baby steps. Each day you try to take one more step. And before you know it you have travelled miles!

KouignAmann · 26/11/2013 20:39

X post Honey Smile

Great minds!

Lweji · 26/11/2013 20:52

Check the National Centre for Domestic Violence.

They say to contact them to get a free emergency injunction.

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 26/11/2013 21:01

Thank you so much Lweji for that, I just had a look at their website, looks like they could help me.
I'm going to call them tomorrow and explain situation...don't know until Thursday whether he will be released or not.

OP posts:
Hissy · 27/11/2013 07:29

After all you have been put through by this horrible man, you will find it all overwhelming.

Please ASK for help, do contact the NCDV, speak to victim support, the police, your Dr, anyone and everyone.

Please don't let him have unsupervised contact. He's a dangerous man, unstable, damaged and abusive.

All he will do if he has a relationship with his dd is to train her to be a future victim.

You have to show her how good it is to be your own woman, strong, brave and one that loves themself.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It's not a magic bullet, but it's a really good start in healing yourself.

They have crèches too. I did it and it was a key part of my recovery. Therapy too is a must, and as much as you can do of it too.

If you're in North Hampshire or near it, I can give you details of free DV support groups.

Hissy · 27/11/2013 07:30

You really are doing so very well. Hope you can see this!

wontletmesignin · 27/11/2013 08:09

Hello. Just seen your post and wanted to let you know that you arent alone.
I am going through this same thing right now.

Best thing i can advise is to listen to what everyone says on here. Stay focused and keep strong!
It is hard, but it is do-able!
I would have struggled a lot more, if it wasnt for the great people on here.

Contact womens aid and a solicitor for starters.
This while crap with legal aid is in play now so get that injubction. This will be with legal aid, the sooner the better. Then you will qualify for help with child court orders. Maybe with a small fee.
I have to pay something, but that doesnt mean you will.
Unless, your circumstances are different with work.

These are the people i have informed...
Social services
Police
Solicitor
Therapist
School head teacher
Nursery head teacher
Womens aid
Options

Not only am i getting help from these, i am getting support.

A few more but i cant remember

You are doing very well. You have done the hardest part! Stay strong xx

spindlyspindler · 27/11/2013 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.