Left abusive relationship. Practical and emotional advice....and strength!

[WhatAPallava]

Hi,

I wrote a thread at the very end of September about an argument I had with then OH and I was staying at my mums for the night.

Lots been going on and haven't been online so fast forward....things carried on as they were for about another 2 weeks...then another row where I finally ended it properly.
He was very intimidating and threatening, wouldn't let me leave my living room whilst he screamed, shouted at and threatened me. I managed to get hold of my sister via the iPad (!) and asked her to phone the police.
They came and I broke down to the policewoman (lots been going on for ages). They arrested him as at one point he had grabbed my face, so the policewoman said they would arrest him for that.
He was kept for 2 days then released on bail with conditions NOT TO CONTACT ME.....which of course he did, didn't leave me alone, and his family. So I told the police. He was re-arrested and kept on remand...until this Thursday 28th there is a court date for common assault (for grabbing my face), breaching his bail (contacting me) and harrassment (contacting me and his family contacting me).

I have felt so good these last 5 weeks with him nowhere near me or around me. I moved home (it has been in the pipeline since July so he does know address). I am now getting nervous about the court date.

I'm scared for when he comes out.... :-(
He would never accept me trying to leave before so I just don't know how he's going to behave...has made lots of threats to me about if I try to leave.

Realistically I just have to wait and see! But we have a daughter so there are lots of things I need to consider and I just don't know where to start!

I don't want to stop contact between him and our daughter, I know she loves him too, she keeps pulling out photos and showing people and saying "daddy, daddy, daddy" (she's nearly 2)
But lots of things worry me....his cousin went to visit him last week and she said he cut our daughters name into his arm....I don't want to be alone with him because of previous threats so I don't want him coming to my new home...so if I let him see our daughter where will it be?? What if he doesn't bring her back?!?! So many things running through my mind and I don't know where to start practically!

Sorry this is so long, thank you for reading!

Thank you for the messages I really, really appreciate it. x

I work part time, but my wages are quite good, I'm not entitled to any housing benefit or council tax benefit so I'm not sure if I would be entitled to legal aid?
Although a policeman did also say something about it being based on the nature of the case too.

That national domestic violence website looked very helpful so I will be in touch with them.
I did fill out an enquiry form on the website of contact centres and they replied today with my local one's contact details.

I know that when his cousin went to visit him she said that he cried a lot and to tell me that he "wants to be home for Christmas".

And the cheek of it said ..... "Ask her to send me some money, she owes me that at least"
So the fact that he is STILL blaming me...shows he won't be changing soon!!!!
...I didn't send any money!

In an ideal world he would just accept it, move on and sort his life out....

Court is tomorrow, I have to be there at 9.30. The letter said a screen will be up in place.
So we'll see how it goes...

A social worker came to my home about a week and a half ago to do an "initial assessment" because she was present at home when the police arrested him.
I haven't heard back from her yet.
I was also told the local health visitor would call and visit us but never heard from them either (this all happened on October 13th).

The social worker did leave me a leaflet with lots of contact numbers on regarding domestic violence and support.

Daughter is 21 months so no nursery or school to inform (my auntie looks after her whilst I work - it was her dad previously)

Legal Aid depends on income and type of case. It is only available for family law cases (such as divorce or custody agreements) where domestic abuse is a factor. That's what the policeman meant. By reporting his criminal behaviour you've made yourself more eligible.

Use this quick checker if you think you might be eligible for legal aid:

www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

Meant also to say: good luck at court tomorrow.

We'll all be with you tomorrow, remember that? Post gibberish to us here if you get nervous eh?

You can do this! Go champ!

Hello, went to court this morning.

I was only in the actual court room about 15-20 minutes, they didn't ask as much as I thought they would.
There was a screen up so I couldn't see him, but I could hear him crying the whole time!
His lawyer was horrible! I know it's their job. Tried to say I was lying and making it all up and called the police for no reason.

Anyway, they said they would call me to let me know what happens.

I haven't heard from them BUT I have heard from his cousin and she told me that he has been released and that they gave him a 3 year injunction.

I don't know if he got guilty for the common assault or harrassment but I assume he must have if they gave an injunction?

I didn't know they would give an injunction, but I'm relieved because it means I don't have to deal with the crying and begging and not leaving me alone...

That sounds encouraging. Whoever said they'd call you to let you know... get in touch. You need to know the terms of the injunction, where he is, what he's allowed and not allowed to do. Well done seeing through the lawyer :)

I welled up during the oath and had to stop I was shaking so much, but when the lawyer started I actually felt so much stronger, probably because what he was saying was so ridiculous!!

Really well done. Took guts to do that. Unlike him if he just sat there sobbing... yet another bully turns out to be a coward. What I'd want to know about the injunction are things like what happens if he tries to get in contact.

Thanks Cogito. I will try and phone somebody tomorrow to find out. His cousin did say to me that he said to her that if he contacts me he will go back to prison...

I think he cries more for himself...now he is homeless, he can't wake up to his daughter every day, more 'taboo' to split up in his culture so the added shame of that!
He will say he's crying for me because he's sorry but I don't think so.