Bringing savings & debt to a relationship - WWYD?

[GromitAndWallace]

DP and are moving in together, and have discussed marriage too. I'm of the school of thought that says you share finances with your partner, and definitely your spouse. However it's second time around for us both so a bit more complicated I guess.

DP has a large debt to pay off. It was run up by his exW when they were married. He is paying it off as fast as possible, but obviously there is interest to pay on it too.

I have savings equal to the size of his debt. They don't attract very good rates of interest. Here's my dilemma:
Do we pool our finances and I effectively pay off his ex's spending?

Or I could "loan" him the money and ask for interest equal to whatever I could get from a long term savings account, which is way more favourable than the interest he's paying.

Or I could keep it separate and for the purpose it was intended for, which is dcs' education / foot on housing ladder / whatever they need. Ultimately DP earns and will earn more than me so arguably will put more into our combined pot over the years. My dc do not have a father who provides for them and DP will be 'taking them on' for want of a better phrase.

I absolutely want to share with DP - I think it's the origin of the debt that's getting to me, it's not like he ran it up studying for qualifications or similar when I'd feel much happier about pooling our respective debt and savings. FWIW DP hasn't asked directly or indirectly for a penny and doesn't know that I could pay off the debt in full.

"OP let him pay his own debt off but make smaller contributions to the family pot whilst he is doing so. It's a debt he is responsible for and ideally he won't be bringing it into the new family."

No, no, no.

That's the same as paying off his debt.

This debt is nothing to do with you.

Your savings are for YOUR CHILDREN.

You would be incredibly irresponsible to blow YOUR family money on your boyfriend because you are in love (now).

It's not remotely honourable to consider doing this, it's stupid and feckless and incredibly unfair to the people who rely on you to put their interests first.

His debts should not have ANY bearing on your financial situation, or that of your children.

That means if he can't afford to pay his fair share, then you don't move in with him until he can.

"I'm of the school of thought that says you share finances with your partner, and definitely your spouse."

That's only true when neither of you have children.

Once there are dependants to factor in, you need to be a lot more circumspect about how you divide money.,

this

100%. Excellent post!

Having just gone through a bad divorce, I am of the school of thought of keeping all finances separate and not marrying again (or signing a good prenup and making a will to protect your DCs if you really must) - in particular if you have savings of your own. Looks like you have a lot more assets than your DP - imbalances in wealth create problems, and as you have more it can only go one way for you if things get ugly. Protect you and your DCs first. You never know what may happen in life. Share what you need to live together, but keep everything else separate. I got burned on this and have learned my lesson.

Coming at it from a different angle, I have accrued debt due to my ex - not due to joint spending, but legal fees because he keeps dragging me back to court on spurious grounds. If I were to start a new relationship, I would feel horrible about the new P paying this off and me repaying him. It would hurt my pride - I got myself into this situation and I'll do my damndest to get myself out, without being "rescued" (ignoring soft loan from my parents for some of the costs). I don't think it would be a healthy dynamic to start our new lives with.

So separate finances until he's got himself back on an even keel.

It isn't your savings, it's your children's.

He seems to have the debt repayment in hand, he could continue that way.
Once you live together you will gain a fuller understanding of how he handles money and make any required adjustments from there.

don't pay off his debts - you need that for yours and your dc's security

the fact he has these debts indicates he could be irresponsible with money

I also definitely wouldn't marry him until his debts are paid off. You need to think of your dc.

When DP and I moved in together, I was the one in debt and he had savings. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to pay!

I did however tell him how much rent I could afford to pay. I had a very cheap flat at the time and didn't want to pay more. His flat was more expensive. We ended up putting together what we both paid and renting a house, he paid more until I'd paid off my debt, then we started splitting bills.

No don't do it. My friends now exh told her that his first wife ran up debt in his name. However I don't believe a word of it. My friend did not owe a penny until they met, she is now bankrupt. The exh is no doubt getting another mug to buy him stuff.

Guess what I am saying is be careful. Also if he genuinely knew nothing about her taking credit in his name he can call the police and report for fraud, in some cases the debt can be removed. It will involve her being arrested, investigated and usually prosecuted. (I would be cynical if he says he doesn't want to get her into trouble... ).

Sorry op, it wasn't your original question. But seen too many people financially screwed by a partner.

Also DO NOT financially link with him, as you will then be a financial associate of him and potentially his ex (if they have had joint credit), which may well mean no mortgage, no car loan, no credit for you.