Bringing savings & debt to a relationship - WWYD?

[GromitAndWallace]

DP and are moving in together, and have discussed marriage too. I'm of the school of thought that says you share finances with your partner, and definitely your spouse. However it's second time around for us both so a bit more complicated I guess.

DP has a large debt to pay off. It was run up by his exW when they were married. He is paying it off as fast as possible, but obviously there is interest to pay on it too.

I have savings equal to the size of his debt. They don't attract very good rates of interest. Here's my dilemma:
Do we pool our finances and I effectively pay off his ex's spending?

Or I could "loan" him the money and ask for interest equal to whatever I could get from a long term savings account, which is way more favourable than the interest he's paying.

Or I could keep it separate and for the purpose it was intended for, which is dcs' education / foot on housing ladder / whatever they need. Ultimately DP earns and will earn more than me so arguably will put more into our combined pot over the years. My dc do not have a father who provides for them and DP will be 'taking them on' for want of a better phrase.

I absolutely want to share with DP - I think it's the origin of the debt that's getting to me, it's not like he ran it up studying for qualifications or similar when I'd feel much happier about pooling our respective debt and savings. FWIW DP hasn't asked directly or indirectly for a penny and doesn't know that I could pay off the debt in full.

[43percentburnt]

No don't do it. My friends now exh told her that his first wife ran up debt in his name. However I don't believe a word of it. My friend did not owe a penny until they met, she is now bankrupt. The exh is no doubt getting another mug to buy him stuff.

Guess what I am saying is be careful. Also if he genuinely knew nothing about her taking credit in his name he can call the police and report for fraud, in some cases the debt can be removed. It will involve her being arrested, investigated and usually prosecuted. (I would be cynical if he says he doesn't want to get her into trouble... ).

Sorry op, it wasn't your original question. But seen too many people financially screwed by a partner.

Also DO NOT financially link with him, as you will then be a financial associate of him and potentially his ex (if they have had joint credit), which may well mean no mortgage, no car loan, no credit for you.

[Meringue33]

When DP and I moved in together, I was the one in debt and he had savings. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to pay!

I did however tell him how much rent I could afford to pay. I had a very cheap flat at the time and didn't want to pay more. His flat was more expensive. We ended up putting together what we both paid and renting a house, he paid more until I'd paid off my debt, then we started splitting bills.

[nopanicandverylittleanxiety]

don't pay off his debts - you need that for yours and your dc's security

the fact he has these debts indicates he could be irresponsible with money

I also definitely wouldn't marry him until his debts are paid off. You need to think of your dc.

[LittleQuark]

It isn't your savings, it's your children's.

He seems to have the debt repayment in hand, he could continue that way.
Once you live together you will gain a fuller understanding of how he handles money and make any required adjustments from there.

[bibliomania]

Coming at it from a different angle, I have accrued debt due to my ex - not due to joint spending, but legal fees because he keeps dragging me back to court on spurious grounds. If I were to start a new relationship, I would feel horrible about the new P paying this off and me repaying him. It would hurt my pride - I got myself into this situation and I'll do my damndest to get myself out, without being "rescued" (ignoring soft loan from my parents for some of the costs). I don't think it would be a healthy dynamic to start our new lives with.

So separate finances until he's got himself back on an even keel.

[pinkpeony]

Having just gone through a bad divorce, I am of the school of thought of keeping all finances separate and not marrying again (or signing a good prenup and making a will to protect your DCs if you really must) - in particular if you have savings of your own. Looks like you have a lot more assets than your DP - imbalances in wealth create problems, and as you have more it can only go one way for you if things get ugly. Protect you and your DCs first. You never know what may happen in life. Share what you need to live together, but keep everything else separate. I got burned on this and have learned my lesson.

[gigglekicks]

this

100%. Excellent post!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"I'm of the school of thought that says you share finances with your partner, and definitely your spouse."

That's only true when neither of you have children.

Once there are dependants to factor in, you need to be a lot more circumspect about how you divide money.,

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"OP let him pay his own debt off but make smaller contributions to the family pot whilst he is doing so. It's a debt he is responsible for and ideally he won't be bringing it into the new family."

No, no, no.

That's the same as paying off his debt.

This debt is nothing to do with you.

Your savings are for YOUR CHILDREN.

You would be incredibly irresponsible to blow YOUR family money on your boyfriend because you are in love (now).

It's not remotely honourable to consider doing this, it's stupid and feckless and incredibly unfair to the people who rely on you to put their interests first.

His debts should not have ANY bearing on your financial situation, or that of your children.

That means if he can't afford to pay his fair share, then you don't move in with him until he can.

[Tilpil]

I would offer it him on the basis that the amount he is paying on the debt is paid into a savings account every month to pay it back to you dc if u have the money to pay it off you could feel guilty if he pays more than you for things and you know you could help him out but I would also wait awhile till you know what's happening with the two of you maybe pay off some and see how that goes?

[Yogii]

I'd ring-fence anything you take into the relationship - keep it for your kids. Dip into it if you want to get something jointly, but on an equal contribution basis.

That said, if you go joint from hereon, then having him pay a load of interest to a bank doesn't make sense. If you trust him and he's in a safe job, think about lending it to him so he avoids interest. But, get it back and then set it aside again.

[HappyAsEyeAm]

I am all for joint finances - DH and I have pooled everything we have earned since we got married (and for white a while before now that I come to think of it, when we were living together). He earns significantly more than I do. The difference is that neither of us came to our relationship with debt, and neither of us came with savings either.

In your situation, where you have your own DC that you alone are financially responsible for, and savings which you have mentally earmarked for them, I would be putting the money in trust for them for when they get to whatever age you think they should be before being able to use that money.

[OneMoreChap]

Does DP have children by XW?
If so, perhaps he'd better put some savings aside for them after he's paid of his marriage debt with XW.

Once the savings positions are equalised, then you could look at pooling.

Oh and the savings for your DC? If they are not in the DCs name, they are your savings...

[Lazyjaney]

Do not pay off the debt. Put the money in trust for DC to reduce temptation.

[Xenadog]

off not of sorry - too early!

[Xenadog]

OP let him pay his own debt off but make smaller contributions to the family pot whilst he is doing so. It's a debt he is responsible for and ideally he won't be bringing it into the new family.

I suggest you have a family pot for household bills/savings and then you both keep the rest of your own money separate. Living together should be cheaper than living alone so DP should be able to pay the debt of a little bit more quickly too.

[struggling100]

Just to second what others have said: do NOT pay off the debt.

DO come up with a financial plan that looks at your practical outgoings (bills, mortgage/rent etc.) with a view to making the burden as light as possible for both of you.

[GromitAndWallace]

Thank you all for the sound advice. I'm not going to go into details about DP's job but it is perfectly plausible for his exW to have done this without his knowledge. Heck, I could have done this to some extent when married to DH, I managed all our finances, he didn't even know the online banking passwords! And he didn't work away. (I didn't run up loads of debt though.)

I hear what everyone's saying about knowing someone, I do know DP, he doesn't realise how much I have and has always paid his way. maleview I think your approach is a good one, in terms of making a small difference.

[summermovedon]

His ex ran up the debt, on his cards, without him being able to stop her, really....

I personally would reevaluate how to share finances with a relatively new (any) partner. Yes, share what is brought into the household, but not to the detriment of your own savings. You have no real idea how this debt was accumulated.

[maleview70]

I think the solution may be to keep your own money but perhaps cut him some slack on how much he contributes to the house etc...so he can maybe pay debt off quicker.

I said to my DW when she moved in that I didn't want anything off her but I did want her to use the money she was saving on rent to pay off her debt. It worked well.

[worley]

Agree with moldingsunbeams.. Just because he worked away he still could check online banking. When he was home he could see what she'd been spending money on? Unless she took cards out in her own name and hidden from him, if so debts not in his name. Pleading ignorance is not an excuse.
My ex also blames me for his debt.. And yet He was the one with the out of control "I'll pay it back later" attitude to wanting bigger better tv, car, gadgets etc. I have no debt he's the one with the credit cards etc.

I will never share my finances again. My dc are to receive all my savings (if I don't treat my self first)

[perfectstorm]

If the money was meant for your kids, then I'd be really wary about putting his financial interests ahead of theirs. Why should they, in effect, pay off your new partner's ex-wife's debts? And while he may be a complete sweetie and his ex all he claims, it's early days really, isn't it?

[PyjamaDayToday]

My XDP came into the relationship with a similar story about his XDW running up debts. He paid them off, I didn't help. But when he got some redundancy money he spent it, and more and suddenly was in a load of debt.

We were together and in luuuuuuurve so I loaned him a very large amount of money to pay off his debts. This affected the relationship badly as said he felt less of a man and was beholding to me. Then we split up. He is a decent parson and is paying me back, little by little, but it will take years.
What I'm saying is you don't always get to see what people are like with money straight away. Hold onto your money - no good will come of paying off your DPs debts.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Have you ever thought to change your name to



GrallaceAnd

?


Sorry