Shall I have an affair?

[pink1]

OK, Now I've got your attention this is actaully a serious question, and one that I already know the answer to, only I want feedback.

My Dh is depressed, it has been going on for year, and it has slowly eroded the dynamic, wonderful man I married. We have been married 4 years and together nearly 7 (maybe it's the 7 yr itch) but I am starting to feel ground down. I know I should be sympathetic, and supportive but it is so hard. I am the main breadwinner, we have two young children and although my dh works occassionally it is always one day here, a week there (it goes with his job, and can't be changed). We have a nanny, which has caused problems as my parents pay for the nanny when dh isn't working. This is to leave him free to get work (he's an actor) and also to keep continuity in their care. This means he feels that his role is being eroded, and that I don't trust him to look after them, but it is a catch 22 (if we didn't have her, he couldn't look for work etc). Anyway this is just part of teh issue, he has no self esteem and always looks to me to give him a boost, but I never know what to say. If he says he feels fat and unattractive and I say 'no you are not' he says that I am only saying it because I want him to feel better! Vicious circle. He also gets very anxious about silly things, the other day watching an ad he was worried becaus ethe people lost their camera! He can't sleep etc etc. I could go on,

Finally he has recognised that he needs help and is going to the GP next week, but I am starting to despair. I have met a guy who makes me lauch, we got absolutely trashed together and for teh first time in ages I wasn't a mum with 2 kids and a depressed hubby I was free! The guy knows I'm married, but we are flirting via email, I know it could lead to all sorts, and I am so tempted. He is nice, rich, sucessful, good looking in fact your real milk tray man (without the cheesiness) and I am tempted to have a fling. I know I can't and it's wrong as I do love my husband, but I want a bit of freedom and to feel desirable again (oh yes forgot that bit). I don't know why I'm postingthis becasue I know you will all tell me it's a bad move, I just want to know if any of you have been through this. I don't want to break up my marriage, I just want to feel like me again!

Have you looked at this thread ?www.mumsnet.com/s/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=20&stamp=011121191547
Whilsty my husband wasn't depressed he was unemployed and far less successful... have a look at some of our experiences.
Hope it helps
Lots of luck......

I completely agree with LJay... I think the guilt and the regrets might be very powerful.
I know this isn't much comfort.

DON'T DO IT!!! This is simply a quick fix that will last a couple of months, your marriage will break down and then where will you be? Do you honestly believe that this other guy will be there for you when you leave your husband? He will probably just use you for the excitement of an affair, then dump you when you get serious. Sorry to be such a pessimist but you know yourself that he is unlikely to be there for you apart from the odd quickies.

If you really love your husband as you say you do, you should be putting all your energies into saving your marriage. How would it affect your husband if you had an affair? Do you really want to put him through so much pain? When you got married you vowed to stay with him during sickness and in health, for poorer or richer, etc. Did you not think about these words before you said them in front of all those witnesses?

I'm sorry for being so hard but I have seen friends in this situation and they have hurt their partners, the kids, the parents, friends, etc and they are still no happier with their lives. You have to consider all the other people who would be affected by your affair.

Get yourself a hobby without him, play sport with a girlfriend once a week, take an evening class, anything that you can do without him to get your own identity back. Go out once a month with a group of girlfriends and have a really good time, flirt to your hearts consent and let yourself be made to feel desirable again, then go home to your dh and make him happy! (if you know what I mean) When blokes are miserable they often go off sex, just as we do. Can you imagine how you would feel if you went through a really bad patch and your dh had an affair because he felt you were ignoring him? Spice up your love life by getting imaginative! Pet him and tell him every day how much you fancy him and how much you love him, this will soon boost his confidence and if he feels good, he will soon make you feel good in return!

Marriage is about compromise and sometimes you have to give an awful lot before you start to receive anything in return. But the final result is worth it. Don't throw your marriage away as easily as this, isn't it worth fighting for?

pink 1 - it sounds like your husband does need help - the I'm fat & unattractive sounds like a person with very low self esteem (often common in actors who seek approval for being someone else, rather than themselves?). There must be a time when you have to say 'ok, I've tried being an actor and it doesn't pay the bills, so what am I doing it for?' Another job may improve your income, redress the balance in the marriage, deal with the nanny problem and help his self esteem as he will be respected at work and providing for his family at home. It doesn't mean that he works full time, or has to earn more than you. I would ask the question 'If it doesn't make you both happy, then why is he still pursuing this dream?' What are his priorities: you & kids or self recognition / acting sucess?

Pink1 - My dad is very depressed and I think it's very hard for anyone to understand what it's like to live with a depressed person unless they have been through it themselves. So you have all my sympathy - and I completely understand your need for "something" else... but as I have said below... where will this lead to ? Can you live with the guilt and maybe the regrets ?

I was very tempted to do the same thing with a work collegue when I was unhappy in my first marriage. I didnt do anything, couldnt do something that I wouldnt like done to me, even though I didnt much care for my then husband. We ended up splitting up not long after. If a little bit of flirting makes you feel good right now, fine but keep it at that. If it was the other way round Im sure you would be devestated. Hope everything works out.

I can't add anything constructive to the comments others have made, but please, please, don't do it - it will only bring short term happiness and even longer term problems.

Try & resolve your marriage problems, if you can, or agree to separate and then move on, as a single woman. You are not giving yourself any respect by having a secret affair.

Good luck, I know it can seem very hard.

Sorry, but in my opinion actors who hang around waiting for the phone to ring are on the rocky road to failure. Any actor worth his salt will also maintain a full time job ( One where the employers are considerate to actors who may need time off for auditions.) It sounds like your partner has plunged into the depths of despair, and I know being an actor that is particularly hard as he'll have to put up a front when in meetings etc. However, harsh as it may sound, he's unlikely to get any acting work when he feels this way. He needs to get to the gym, find himself a job and get a bit of self respect. I think its awfull that he's saying to you 'Oh I'm fat & unattractive'etc, that's up to him surely, if he wants to change it only HE can. My advice is :
Get him some St Johns Wort (homeopathic anti-depressent/non-addictive)asap. Also some kava kava to help him sleep and de-stress.
Get a list of classes in his area for whatever sport/hobby he's interested in and actively get him to enrol.
Buy 'The Stage' every Thursday and look through it together for any work, acting or non-acting that he could apply for.(There's loads of jobs in there for both types)
And finally...DON'T have an affair!
By all means flirt all you like, but give your partner a chance. He just needs to buck up his idea's abit (with your support) and then he'll be a happier and better partner to you in the long run. Invest in him, it'll be worth it in the end! Good Luck! My thoughts are with you.

Hi pink1, I'm going to add my two penn'urth here too, hope you don't mind.

It sounds as if you've been carrying a big burden if your husband has been depressed for a year and you've been the breadwinner/carer etc so it's not surprising that you're tempted BUT?I also say don't do it because:

He's admitted he needs help and is getting some, imminently. This is a big step for someone who is depressed.
You therefore should get back the "dynamic, wonderful man" you married.
Mr Milk Tray probably wants excitement, fun and sex and would most likely not stick around after a painful marriage break up.
Mr Milk Tray is not the father of your children or the man you promised to love and cherish etc.
Of course YOU deserve excitement, fun and sex but I agree with Rhubarb: get it in other ways until your husband is better and ready to deliver.

This isn't a moral judgement, but I really think it sounds as if an affair won't solve anything and will make matters much worse in the long run.

Although your dh says he feels his role is being eroded it sounds to me as if he is damn lucky to have paid-for, good childcare available so that he really is free to look for the work of his dreams rather than looking after the children full time whilst he isn?t earning! But perhaps you can deal with that once the depression is being treated.

As for feeling like you again, I agree that you should be able to go out and have some fun and flirt (without it leading to anything) but maybe once your husband has some antidepressants/help you'll be able to do both of these with him.

If it was the other way around and you were at home with the children and PND would you appreciate your husband having an affair for the reasons you are tempted?

You know I have got to laugh, albeit tinged with sadness, at some of your advice here. I am really grteful that anyone even bothered to reply, but I am sorry the 'buck his ideas a bit' is quite funny to me. I have begged, cried buckets and threatened over him leaving acting, but it is the only thing in his life that he can cling onto. Every year we swear that if things aren't different by Christmas then he'll quit. But and this is the rub, if he quits acting he will feel even more of a failure than he already does. There is nothing tha he wants to do more then be an actor, no other job will do. He does lots of little bits including loads of teaching drama, and he is extending this as much as possible. But we don't live in London, no job will be flexible enough for him to swan in and out depending on the work situation.

So there's no answer on the work front. He knows he has to decide, but I married despite the fact he was an actor, I cannot force his hand.

For me its the whole self esteem thing that is grinding me down. He has none, yes he needs to go to the gym, he does, yes he needs to lose weight, but like all of us here comfort eating is a problem. But I cannot tell him, if I try he thinks I don't love hi, or that I find him unattractive, I try to broach it so carefully as I am not sure the reaction I will get. If he asks me whetger I think he is fat, what am I supposed to say? 'Yes, you need to go on a diet' or 'No I love you as you are' or 'only if you feel you need to, for you, not for me'? with each of these there is a problem. Yes just hits him when he's down, No he thinks I am just saying it, and Only if you want to is just another way of saying yes.

Sorry but its classic depression, which he has finally realsied is ruining our lives and hopefully the GP will get him on anti-depressents.

However I feel so weary of it all. I try to be up all the time, be supportive emotionally, but I just don't know how much I have left to give. This is why I just want to get out, away, be free or whatever. As much as anything it's the thought of an affair that is exciting. I won't do it, as I said in my first post I know the answer already. But I just want NOT to have the responsibility for a while, I feel like I am coming to the end of my tether and the freedom of flirting justs takes me away for a few hours.

Sorry to bore you all sh**less, I am posting under a different name as I know you'd be suprised if I didn't. But I need to let off steam.

I won't have the affair, even if the guy is like james Bond, he has a piolets licence, is a ski-instructer and is rich and goodlooking no less! We also have our jobs in common, he works for a rival company in a senior position in my field, so businesswise he is a useful contact if nothing else.

All I can say is thank god for the anonimity of the internet, getting it down in words just makes me feel better.

By the way Ashamed, I went to that thread and it said it all really! Sober I am fine, but drunk well.... The only probelm is that now I am thinking about it sober and i suppose that is what worries me. I could live with the guilt of just going out and flirting a bit. I have done this once or twice and never wanted to go further. however this time I am contemplating it!

Pink1 ((((big cyber hug)))
Could you get away by yourself (no kids) to see a friend for a couple of days? Just to give yourself a break and time to soak in a bath, drink champagne, laugh, read something uplifting, fantasise? Just a thought, Good luck.

pink1 I have read all these replies and cannot disagree with them.It would be very destructive to have this affair.
But I must be honest and tell you that if I was in your shoes I WOULD go ahead and have the affair, probably live to regret it, but I know I would go for it. In fact I wish I was in your shoes ( well in lots of ways I am, minus an attractive man waiting in the wings)
I had to say this in case you think you are some kind of Jezebel for even thinking about it. Don't take this as advice to have the affair. I don't think you should, for what it's worth, but I know I would.
Do you love your husband?

OK, wait for it! My husband saw this thread! Last night after a huge row he decided to go online and check what I've been saying! He's never done it before, and I don't think he'll do it again.

He recognised my identity straight away and was so upset. After explaination I think the shock of it all might be for the better. Basically he understands that I was so worried that it had even crossed my mind to have a fling, that was why I posted here. From the beginning I said I know the answer and I know I wouldn't do anything. He trusts me, and I wouldn't do anything that could erode that trust.

He also didn't realise just how unhappy I was with it all. I know he resents me posting stuff on here about him, as I didn't tell you all about the good side. But like everyone here, I think, mumsnet is an outlet where you can be honest with things as it isn't like telling someone who actually knows us both. If I talked to a friend about this who might kniow him, it could effect the way they saw him. Mumsnet was the opportunity to put into words just how crap I was feeling.

As I said to him last night, the only person I want an affair with is my husband! I am sure you all know how I feel, that excitement of flirting, the conversation that isn't about dirty nappies or the gas bill. He is still the sexiest most wonderful man I have ever met and I would never want to jepodise that.

I am just tired of the responsibilty and want him to look after me, somethiing that over time I think we have lost. It has been a real cycle of me taking control because he hasn't, and then him feeling worse and doing less, me doing more etc etc. In a funny kind of way him finding this out may be the jolt we need to talk about things properly and for me to be able to tell him how I feel.

Strange as it may seen, we then went on and had the best sex we've had in years, twice in one night at 2am. I can't think the last time we did that!

I wasn't ever really going to do anything, it was a fantasy that crosssed my mind as I was unhappy with things as they were, I am sure we will sort it and get back to where we both want to be.

I had an affair and now paying the consequences. My husband told me he was leaving me on New Years Eve just gone, but then stayed. Then Valentines Day Eve (last Wednesday) he turned round and said he can never forgive me and he knows he is making me unhappy because of the some of the things that he says/does and he thinks it is better if we split.

Last night, I asked him if he had decided what he wants to do re. the house/kids, etc. He said that his prime concern is the children's happiness (girl of 9, boy of 5 and baby of 4 months) and I said that their happiness/security/stability was also my prime concern. He cannot afford to leave. I told him that I would be quite happy for him to stay in the house but we just lead separate lives.

Only have an affair, if you are willing to take the consequences.

Because, whenever I thought about my husband and affairs, I always knew deep down I would forgive him one "mistake" and I always thought he would forgive me my one mistake. How wrong I was!

How ironic Pink1 that your dh saw this thread! Sounds as if now he knows how you are feeling, he will put more effort into making you happy. He knows now that other men find you attractive too, and he will have to work damn hard to keep you, it sounded like before he was taking you for granted a bit! But doesn't this just highlight the need for more communication in a marriage? If you had written all this down it would have spared him the shock of seeing it on the internet and this all could have been sorted sooner.

I really do hope it works out for you. Good luck.

I've just found out that my sister has been having an affair for 12 months. She is breaking up her family (2 kids) and her lovers (also 2 kids). Her kids don't know yet. I don't think she has realised yet just how badly she is going to hurt everyone, and I don't know how she can do that to her kids. She didn't have a bad marriage, but she got bored & dh didn't pay her enough attention (she says). She made my Dad cry - I don't think I can forgive her.

Pamina, thanks for that. I know it is her life, and to an extent she has a right to live t as she chooses. i just think that when we have kids we also have a responsibility to those children. Unfortunately, for reasons I won't go into here, the situation is just about the worst way she could have gone about it to cause maximum impact & disruption to her childrens lives (not even considering her husband). She hasn't told her kids yet, and we live a distance away, so I can't talk to her on the phone as the kids are there, and I'm not likely to bump in to her for a while, so hopefully I will be a bit more controlled when I do. Its just that some of the things she is saying shows that she really hasn't considered what is likely to happen at all, she seems to think it will all blow over in a few weeks, dh will move out, possibly new dp will move in & all will live happily ever after - get real!

Sad, this is words from one who has had an affair and I am now paying the consequences. My husband has decided (after 3 years, new baby) that he cannot forgive me and we are splitting up. He is still living in the house (although sleeping in the loft) but, as far as the kids (3 of them) are concerned, nothing has changed except that mummy and daddy no longer sleep in the same room.

I think parents do find it hard when their children's marriages split up, especially if their marriage is strong. I suppose, at the end of the day, we want our children to be happy (whatever their age you don't stop worrying about them.

I personally believe, and luckily so does my husband, that at the end of the day you are not only responsible for your own happiness but also that of your children. I would say that if children see their parents are happy/content or whatever then they will be happy/content.

I also had an affair, however I was one of the few lucky ones in that its all ended well. I don't think you can ever know whats going on inside someone elses marriage to know whether they are right or wrong. We tried not to 'blame' our partners to others as it was ultimately our choice and decision and we didn't feel it would serve any purpose (also not fair on my children to disparrage(spelling?) their dad). However from the start we knew we would have to leave our partners (although it was a harder decision for my dp than me because he didn't want to disappoint his parents/sister (brother also divorced)). Although it was the hardest part of my life so far (i am 33), my 2 ds's have come through with flying colours (they were 3 & 4 at the time). dp's parents didn't see us for over 6mths - they didn't even ask what town he was living in, as they didn't think his reasons for leaving were good enough!

However, 4 yrs later we now have a darling baby girl of 10mths and are still sickeningly happy! the boys see their dad regularly and we have had no problems with them from day one to now. And hopefully both our ex-partners agree with the ending of the marriages in retrospect, as they both met someone new within a couple of months of split and are now both married and dp's ex-wife has a baby a couple of weeks older than ours! I especially like ex-husbands new wife who is very nice & much more friendly than ex-husband!

So we had a good ending all round although it wasn't the easiest thing getting there and we both regret the hurt we inflicted.

Yet even if you are the receiving end (as our ex-partners were), you never know what is round the corner, you could end up meeting someone else sooner than you think and being in a relationship which is so much better.

So got that off my chest... 2 points I would say - Stick by your family they are flesh & blood, you can still be friendly with ex-partner without taking their side. And I wouldn't recommend an affair unless you are prepared to leave your current partner its an awful thing to have to go through - on either side.

There are a lot of people dealing with this .......everybody wants love.......your husband loves you but he is in a crisis but these are those times where relationships and loyalties are tested and also a persons character.........you failed these tests and it seems you are a person of loose character ..........assume if you were in your husbands shoes what would you have expected of him......his support or his lies and affairs

You should be there for your husband , you come across is very selfish . I hope he gets into shape, gets a six pack to die for and divorces you .

If a man wrote this then there would be an absolute riot. Dress it up as a fantasy if you want but you said you’d exchanged e-mails so it was an emotional affair. And the OM well the fact he knows you’re married says a lot about him, milk tray man indeed , desperate and depraved more like. Get a grip for heavens sake.