Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I'm trapped

36 replies

Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 08:23

Hi all

I need some advice as I'm starting to feel like its all a bit of a lost case

My fiancé and I have been together 3 years and have a 4 month old beautiful son

Prior to my sons birth my partner was a real party animal he works long hours (14-16 hour days as a trader) our motto together was to party hard work hard

That was all fine until we got pregnant (it wasn't planned) the further my pregnancy went along the more outrageous his partying became. I stupidly thought that once our ds arrived things would change. How bloody stupid of me

Initially when ds was born for about 6 weeks he was amazing - I really really struggled with the adjustments and change of day to day lifestyle

Our ds is now 4 months old and all we do is argue. I am lonely. I try and fill my days with every kind of activity I can find. Giggle and wiggle baby sensory mums coffee mornings.

But my partner has now mentioned a few times that he is miserable, never gets to see his friends and he is becoming nastier during arguments. He swears at me and on 2 occasions has kicked me.

The reason why I feel so trapped is this: I am Australian and my visa is due to be renewed at the beginning of next year. All my family live in Australia and his family are very much "pro" my partner. He can do no wrong. He also earns about 200k a year plus bonuses. He loves our son but appears to be very angry at me. I know what I would do if we didn't have a child. I would leave. But I am a teaching assistant and earn pittance - also as a foreigner with a temporary visa I am not entitled to any benefits or support. I have been categorically told by the home office that this is the case.

I feel like I don't know what I can do... I can't take our son to Australia as he is a British citizen and my partners name is on the birth cert so it would be illegal.

I am so upset. I just need some advice. Yes I ve spoken to my partner I ve tried to explain to him I miserable and he has said that me saying that has no effect on him.

I see him with ou son his family and friends and he is fun kind and loyal but with me his is very unkind - even as I write this I'm trying not to cry too loudly so my son won't wake up

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 08:36

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Have you reported the DV to the police? Please talk to Womens Aid and ask their advice 0808 2000 247. They are excellent for women in your situation. Whatever the status of your visa or citizenship the UK is a civilised society. You are not expected to endure living in an abusive relationship and both you and your DS deserve protection.

Please make that call

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 08:41

Please also check out this link.

Indefinite Leave to Remain for Victims of Domestic Violence - UK Border Agency

Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 08:45

Thank you for your reply. I know the uk is a civilised country but I'm scared that child services would intervene and take my son from me. I ve seen it happen weekly at the inner city London school I'm at. I m petrified that if I seek help the same will happen to my son and I. I feel like I ve lost all confidence in myself. The only thing I can say with absolute certainty is I'm a great mum. Better than I actually thought I could be. I want wonderful things for my son but worry with y wage I couldn't offer him everything he deserves whereas my partner can. My sister in law is a foster parent and I ve also seen what happens to children when their parents are investigated and removed. In essence I guess I'm a lot weaker than I thought . I ve sat across my parents at parents evening and hear similar stories and before my son found it incredulous that they stayed. But now ds is here I feel very differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 08:48

Thank you for your reply. I know the uk is a civilised country but I'm scared that child services would intervene and take my son from me. I ve seen it happen weekly at the inner city London school I'm at. I m petrified that if I seek help the same will happen to my son and I. I feel like I ve lost all confidence in myself. The only thing I can say with absolute certainty is I'm a great mum. Better than I actually thought I could be. I want wonderful things for my son but worry with y wage I couldn't offer him everything he deserves whereas my partner can. My sister in law is a foster parent and I ve also seen what happens to children when their parents are investigated and removed. In essence I guess I'm a lot weaker than I thought . I ve sat across my parents at parents evening and hear similar stories and before my son found it incredulous that they stayed. But now ds is here I feel very differently.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 08:54

Social Services are not in the business of taking happy children from good parents. They only remove children who are in danger or at risk and I think your experience of inner city London schools and foster-parenting is really not applicable to you. If you talk to Womens Aid and seek help you will be seen as protecting your child and cementing yourself as a very good mother indeed. Stick around, say nothing and brush it under the carpet and they may look at it differently. FWIW your partner will maintain financial responsibility for your DS whether you live under the same roof or not. Your child will have a much brighter future if they are not exposed to seeing their mother being attacked and abused

Please make that call 0808 2000 247.

EirikurNoromaour · 26/11/2013 10:58

Please don't buy into the myth that social services remove children without cause. It's just not true. IMO you must leave him, he's aggressive, abusive and violent. He would have to pay maintenance through the CSA and you could relocate to a cheaper area, rent a one bed flat and live on your wages and maintenance.
What sort of visa will you apply for in January? Are you likely to be eligible to apply for ILR anytime?

Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 11:13

Have just made an app with an immigration lawyer for this Thursday. I ve been sifting thru the home offices website (again)to try and understand what options I have. Rang my sister and asked her to wire me £168 fee for the lawyer. She suspects something's up but I told we I was just tired. Partner is on business in New York from tomorrow for a week and I'm going to figure out what to do durin that time once I ve spoken with the lawyer. I cannot believe this has happened. I feel like I ve ruined my life

OP posts:
Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 11:17

I'm not worried that he won't pay maintenance he adores our ds they go to the football together every Saturday and he always is affectionate with him. His attitude to me though is so unkind... I'm at a loss as to what I ve done to make him so angry. I truly am trying to see if I'm at fault here. I keep out house tidy, plan elaborate meals every night. I tend to just burst into tears when we argue and e sees it as pathetic (he's told me)

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 26/11/2013 11:25

You haven't caused his behaviour, this is who he is.

turbochildren · 26/11/2013 11:25

I don't think you've done much to make him angry besides giving birth to his son. He seems to have major issues with that. Please call Women's Aid. He turns nasty, thinks you are pathetic for crying when he's arguing with you, and have kicked you. That is very disturbing given that you have young baby together. I think you have a lot more options than what it seems like at the moment.

Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 11:26

And deep down I have slowly begun to realise this.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 11:31

What Womens Aid will tell you is that, sadly, abuse in a relationship often only starts to show itself with the arrival of the first child. It's not your fault that you're being subjected to bullying and violence. He can be affectionate to a baby and nice to other people and what you have to understand is that he therefore chooses to treat you this way because it suits him to have you frightened, unhappy, intimidated and under control.

Glad you're seeing an immigration lawyer but this is a question of your safety rather than simply visas. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. You are not alone.

bestsonever · 26/11/2013 11:35

Hi, being a single mum the best advice I can give to anyone having a child would be to get married before doing so - as I did not lol, bit of paper, blah, blah (how wrong I was).
Happily, as your fiance has a well-paid career, you are unlikely to suffer major hardship in the future, so break free like you need to. He sounds like the type of arrogant arse who will have a string of failed relationships in the future as he has no clue what it takes to have a successful one. You meanwhile, sound emotionally sorted and can have a great future starting now, you know you are worth more, you have not waited around for years, that self-respect will carry you through.
GL with it all.

str8tothepoint · 26/11/2013 16:00

I'd book a ticket back home, leave the bastard a note that telling him how you feel and if he wants to carry on being a knob let him carry on he's the one missing out because of his ways.

Lavenderhoney · 26/11/2013 17:00

He sounds a tool. I'm so sorry - and your family so far away. Have they seen your baby yet? I assume you are on maternity leave too, which is why you have to ask your dsis for money.

The advice you have is great on this thread re WA. Do you want to go back to Australia to live? Do you think he would oppose that?

The first thing is to think whether you want to remain in this relationship , which I doubt as he is violent towards you- you can report his violence to the police, which I suggest you do, and find out your options re visas.

But I think WA will help you think/ talk through options available to you and you can decide what you want. Don't involve him just yet, use the time to sort out what you want. He doesn't get the final say, you know.

Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 17:10

Mumsnetters your responses have been very supportive. My partners name is on the birth cert and without his permission I could not just take our ds back to Australia on a permanent basis. In one particular argument I said I would go back home and he said it was illegal and he would fight me and win every step of the way. Legally speaking he is right. He's part of an old boys association from his wanker private school days and has many connections with lawyers, solicitors there's a QC as well. I feel very alone and very afraid for our future. Today he called me from work (I never call him as he s barred me from calling as his work is very stressful) and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I said no and that I wasn't ungrateful or moody but that I had activities to do with my son and was busy... I think he might suspect something is up with me. I just need him to get on his plane and go so I can make a firm and sold plan without him making me feel utterly shit as per usual

OP posts:
Olddear · 26/11/2013 17:16

I feel so sorry for you. Take the good advice you have been given and speak to WA. I would also tell my sister what is going on, you need all the support and help from the people who love you most. Do not shield this man, although I wouldn't say anything to any friends in case it gets back to him. I know this doesn't help but I am thinking about you and will check in to see how you're getting on x

Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 17:24

My family saw my beautiful baby when they all visited just after his birth. My partner was amazing! Truly a thorough gentleman but I know deep down it was all an act. He's a master orator and very very charismatic. He's also highly perceptive of those around him and makes ppl feel very valued. I always admired those qualities in the past but know I feel as though its an act and that he deep down is emotionally stunted.

What upsets me more is I always considered myself to be a very intelligent woman. I may not have a "trendy"
Job as he often calls it but I know I make a difference to the children families and community I work in. Up until I went off on mat leave I was training to become a teacher. So how did I judge it all so badly? That's what gets me. I thought I knew better and was a good judge of ppl. I'm so angry and upset with myself - I m just going to lay low till Thursday

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 26/11/2013 17:28

I don't think you can just hop on a plane. But you don't have to live with him if you don't want to.

please call WA- they will help you with your visa queries and just talk to you. What will happen if your visa runs out and you have to leave, assuming with your baby? I'm surprised you don't have pnd with all this crap going on. You could post in legal on here, people are very helpful.

The " no phoning" at work. You have a new baby and he won't take calls? That's incredible. He might be nervous you will leave whilst he is away. Be ultra careful with deleting all your Internet history and phone logs.

And didn't take too much notice of all his posturing with old boys clubs. He has to abide by the law, same as everyone. I doubt they all think he is a wonderful as he thinks anyway. He seems very keen to preserve his image doesn't he? Do you have to pretend he is amazing when with his family and friends?

Kernowgal · 26/11/2013 17:30

First thing I thought when you said he was still partying hard throughout your pregnancy - do you mean drugtaking and/or drinking? And if so, has this now stopped?

FWIW my ex was also permanently angry - it's who he was. I tried and tried to make things perfect but they keep moving the goalposts so you can never do right for doing wrong. It's not your fault.

Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 17:48

Everyone (his family and friends) adores him. He's outgoing and gregarious. That's part of the act I'm beginning to see and understand.

At 8.5 months pregnant he turned 30 I threw him a birthday party at our local pub and I went home at half 10 because I was tired. At 5 in the morning he turned up with about 8 or so of his mates and continued the party. I don't want to write on here what they were up to but I was hysterical. I stormed into the living room and screamed that they all had to leave. I then grabbed all I his business shirts and suits and threw them down the front steps. I asked him to leave and he did for 2 days. But then I was scared I would go into labour and none of my family were here so I called him and asked him to
Come home. My fault as it taught him I was ok with it. That is one of many many examples

OP posts:
Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 17:50

Everyone (his family and friends) adores him. He's outgoing and gregarious. That's part of the act I'm beginning to see and understand.

At 8.5 months pregnant he turned 30 I threw him a birthday party at our local pub and I went home at half 10 because I was tired. At 5 in the morning he turned up with about 8 or so of his mates and continued the party. I don't want to write on here what they were up to but I was hysterical. I stormed into the living room and screamed that they all had to leave. I then grabbed all I his business shirts and suits and threw them down the front steps. I asked him to leave and he did for 2 days. But then I was scared I would go into labour and none of my family were here so I called him and asked him to
Come home. My fault as it taught him I was ok with it. That is one of many many examples

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 17:56

You're clearly an intelligent woman. Sadly, intelligent, strong, lovely women are not immune to the charms of men that subsequently turn out to be abusive. And they are often charming because it gets them what they want. It's only once they think they have you snared that they can let the mask slip.

If they could be issued with dog-tags identifying them as nasty pieces of work, it would save a lot of distress.... but they don't. So people like you have to find out the hard way. It doesn't make you stupid in the slightest. Your judgement is not flawed. In case you're thinking it you're not some kind 'twat magnet' either. You're not giving off pheromones or anything :)

The fault is all his. As an intelligent woman, provided you get the right guns on your side, you can take this man down very easily indeed. You have options.

Twinklestein · 26/11/2013 18:16

It's illegal to take the baby home permanently, however, as I understand it is legal to go for a holiday with written permission & a return date.

Whatever he says now about fighting you every step of the way etc - may just be a desire to win. If he gets custody one weekend a fortnight, is he going to want to give up his partying to care for his son for the whole weekend? Equally, if you went home for a bit, he may be so relieved to be free to party that, actually, he doesn't care whether you come back or not. Bear in mind that 40% of fathers lose touch with their children within 2 years of family break up. Of course you can't bank on him being one, but I wouldn't regard anything as set in stone for the moment.

First, I would sort out separation from him in the UK and organise custody and maintenance. Secondly, perhaps your family could help finance a trip home & see how things look from there.

Fwiw I'm related to two QCs and a judge, that signifies fuck all.

Original poster
Babymama300 · 26/11/2013 20:30

He s come home with flowers and a bottle if wine... He knows something's not right. This time tomorrow I ll be free from him and have time to figure things out. He keeps steering conversation to a chat about us... I have been giving monosyllablic answers/responses and finally he's gone to bed.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread