I feel like I'm trapped

[Babymama300]

Hi all

I need some advice as I'm starting to feel like its all a bit of a lost case

My fiancé and I have been together 3 years and have a 4 month old beautiful son

Prior to my sons birth my partner was a real party animal he works long hours (14-16 hour days as a trader) our motto together was to party hard work hard

That was all fine until we got pregnant (it wasn't planned) the further my pregnancy went along the more outrageous his partying became. I stupidly thought that once our ds arrived things would change. How bloody stupid of me

Initially when ds was born for about 6 weeks he was amazing - I really really struggled with the adjustments and change of day to day lifestyle

Our ds is now 4 months old and all we do is argue. I am lonely. I try and fill my days with every kind of activity I can find. Giggle and wiggle baby sensory mums coffee mornings.

But my partner has now mentioned a few times that he is miserable, never gets to see his friends and he is becoming nastier during arguments. He swears at me and on 2 occasions has kicked me.

The reason why I feel so trapped is this: I am Australian and my visa is due to be renewed at the beginning of next year. All my family live in Australia and his family are very much "pro" my partner. He can do no wrong. He also earns about 200k a year plus bonuses. He loves our son but appears to be very angry at me. I know what I would do if we didn't have a child. I would leave. But I am a teaching assistant and earn pittance - also as a foreigner with a temporary visa I am not entitled to any benefits or support. I have been categorically told by the home office that this is the case.

I feel like I don't know what I can do... I can't take our son to Australia as he is a British citizen and my partners name is on the birth cert so it would be illegal.

I am so upset. I just need some advice. Yes I ve spoken to my partner I ve tried to explain to him I miserable and he has said that me saying that has no effect on him.

I see him with ou son his family and friends and he is fun kind and loyal but with me his is very unkind - even as I write this I'm trying not to cry too loudly so my son won't wake up

For safety's sake, please try to act as normally as possible. Violent men are at their most dangerous when they think the game's up.

I had tears reading your op. it brought back memories...not the visa thing but the feeling trapped within a relationship with a baby part. I experienced a change for the worse in my ex after the birth of dd1 too.

No advice to add just want you to know that you're not the first intelligent, decent woman to be in this situation and unfortunately you won't be the last. You'll be ok. Stay strong, stay focused and know that "this too shall pass". You can start again with your beautiful ds.

and a hug if it helps

One thought here. If you split he would have to pay 15% in child support for your son. From 200K that would be a tidy 30K or after tax at least 18K which would be enough for you to be independent.

Don't think you no options. You do!

Kouign!! You're right...op, this is right. He wouldn't be able to lie about his income would he? Therefore it should be should straight forward to get maintenance.

And OP, child support is not taken into account when calculating benefits so you still be able to claim benefits, housing benefit etc, which given you are in London and how expensive it is here will be very useful and you won't be entirely financially dependant on him.

I'm not from another country but your OP rings so many bells with me. My ex suddenly seemed to hate and despise me after our first child was born. It's very common I believe. I wish I had some science as to why so many men turn like this. Maybe it's the perception of vulnerability.

I think that once you have a child they feel like they can get away with more because you are more dependant.

Don't be sure you won't be able to take your son back to Australia.

Your partner is a violent abuser.

Please get in touch with Women's Aid.

on 2 occasions has kicked me.

No excuse, not ever, advise the police, speak to Women's Aid
Whatever happens, he's not safe to be around young child.

You may not be able to return to Australia with your son... but that most certainly does not mean that you have to live with your partner and be subject to his abuse. And if you make sure you report and record that abuse, it also most certainly does not mean that you leaving would see him be able to 'take' your son from you.

The most likely thing that would happen is if you were to leave and record that he has physically abused you and he took the custody issue to court would be that he was awarded everyother weekend and one night a week contact. That is generally the norm, certainly with abuse on record that would be the best he could hope for.

More recently shared care is becoming the norm... but were you to oppose this on the grounds of abuse I don't think that even the fanciest barristers would make much of a difference. Start the process NOW by contacting Women's Aid for advice.

One thing that will never happen in a million billion years is that if you were to leave him citing domestic abuse, that a court would take your child from you, the primary carer, and hand him over to him.

I'm not sure on the visa issue but from links posted (and common sense!) it would seem as if having your son here as a citizen means that now you can't be kicked out either.

You can move on from him and have a happy life here, one with a different partner and more children if that's what you want. See a solicitor.

Hi babymama,
I've just read your post and I feel so much for you. I am Australian too, trapped here too (my story's a bit different and I'm older, but I can still relate to you).
Do you have Australian citizenship for your baby? My dd was born abroad but I applied for her Australian citizenship straight away. I'm not even sure that this would make any difference but I wanted to mention it just in case.
I hope you can find a way out of this. I know how helpless you must be feeling. I hope too that you take the advice of the previous posters and call women's aid. I know it's a big step and a scary one but they will understand.

I wanted to also say pm me if you need to talk to someone who is in a similar position. Sometimes you just need a listening ear...