Feel like splitting with my 'D' H

[ikeaaddict]

It seems to be a recurring theme in my marriage that every so often DH will get in a bad mood and literally explode at me, saying things that are very below the belt, very untrue and often focussing on me being 'lazy', which I most certainly am not. His bad moods happen maybe once every 3 months or so.

We have 2 DCs (aged 9 and 4). I do the bulk of the childcare as DH seems to have opted out of parenting his children. I do all of the housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, and other smaller but essential tasks that DH wouldn't even realise need doing in the first place! I also work from home, on a freelance basis. Sometimes my hours are full time and sometimes less, but the job I do is fairly stressful and demanding. Dh works full time, and doesn't like his job currently, yet won't look for anything else or look into starting up on his own (he is a tradesman).

Anyway, last night he got in from work at about 6pm and out of the blue (as all his outbursts are) started saying the house was a tip. It wasn't at all. I'd done 5 hours of work yesterday whilst the DCs were at school, plus one hour of cleaning and tidying. He went mad because in his words 'the table is a mess', when it was actually all stuff he left there, and then he went mad again because there was stuff on top of the tumble drier that he'd got out of it, and in his words I 'should have put it away today'. He then said I was lazy, my job was a pile of shit, and that I sit on the computer all day. Well the latter is true but that's because I work on the laptop! He said in future he is going to check the history of the computer to see I'm not just sitting online all day and that he thinks I should justify my day to him every day! He also said he is going to stop 'bank rolling' me, which he most certainly doesn't do as I contribute a not-insignificant amount to household finances too. Also he was enraged that I hadn't walked his dog yesterday as I'd been working a lot.

Then he said he was going to quit his job and just 'go to Sainsburys all day' like I apparently do. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for him. However much time I do it's just not good enough and he finds things to shout at me about in his outbursts. I grew up with a father who did the same thing to my mum and me, and I find it really hard, and very upsetting.

I put the kids to bed then went to bed myself to watch TV and he came upstairs and went 'What's the matter with you?' and I just ignored him so he stormed out for a bit and then came home and came and apologised and said he was out of order. I felt too upset to really talk to him much about things. It just feels like he's gone a step too far this time and his apology was too little, too late. I just feel like at 37 years of age I don't have to put up with that rubbish anymore.

He was all nice and lovey dovey to me this morning. I think he knows that I'm really really cross and I did mention last night that I wasn't putting up with his moods any longer and wanted to leave. I just feel so low today.

What you're describing is bullying behaviour. I used to have a bully for a boss. He did the same thing. Every so often, for no real reason, he would fly round the office yelling and terrorising everyone. Then he'd be back to normal. Once on a business trip I was brave enough to ask why he did it. 'If I give them all a bollocking every so often, it keeps them on the straight and narrow'. Your husband is doing the exact same thing. By intimidating you on semi-regular basis he keeps you on the back foot and thinks he can control you. It is rubbish, you're quite right.

If you've had enough, don't put up with it any longer. Tell him to leave. Call it a 'trial separation' if you like. He does nothing around the place so I doubt you'll miss him. Plus I think he needs to feel the cold, harsh reality of where his behaviour is going to land him if he doesn't sort himself out and start pulling his weight rather than throwing it around.

Is he okay outside of these horrible tantrums? I mean, is his behaviour baseline adequate or great? If the latter, then I'd think about insisting on counselling. If the former, then the mean total of what he provides emotionally is below the cost/benefit level, isn't it?

What he said was appalling. Demeaning, abusive, controlling and vicious. I think you really do need to explore it if you stay together because he cannot behave that way to you ever again. But IMO you'd need it to be bloody wonderful most of the time for trying to be worth it.

I'm not surprised you feel low. The person supposed to love and support you most launched a wholesale attack on you in the nastiest possible way. And for the record, even if you were untidy and it weren't his mess, that wouldn't justify or excuse how he spoke to you for one second.

I think you have every right to feel low. His behaviour is appalling. Agree with earlier posters saying that at minimum there should be counselling. But if he's like his all the time or not worth it then he should leave. It's just you he's like this with now. What happens when he starts in the dc? When they worry every night that tonight is he night he comes home in a rage. He clearly does not respect you.

Talk to him, find out why he thinks he can say those things and find out what's really going on.

I'd like to think you married a good and decent man, good and decent men don't behave like that so you need to find out what's going on in his head if this is out of character. If it's not out of character and he's not a good and decent man, why are you with him?

Only you can answer these questions, strangers on an Internet forum won't know enough about your marriage or your husband to advise you to separate.

Oh dear, poor you. I hate this thought process some people (usually men )seem to have that unpaid work ie childcare and housekeeping is worthless, if for some reason you weren't there doing it all I wonder if he realises he would have to pay someone at least £700-800 a week to do it just for the days. I realise that isn't the only point and bullies will always find a "reason"/excuse for their behaviour but that is so unfair and heard so often it infuriates me.

They already said it happens every 3 months. That's not 'out of character' that's a regular habit. Not too big a leap of logic to see that's why the OP does all the donkey work around the place.... doesn't want to trigger another outburst.

And to distract attention from the little he does, of course.

What do you get from this relationship now?.

He like many such types does nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle of abuse. Now he is back in the nice phase of such a cycle (until next time and you just know there will be a next time). Any time could well be a flashpoint and currently you are his emotional punchbag.

Re counselling, go on your own and do not involve him in that process. Also such men would use such sessions (even if they did attend) to further run their woman (whom they see really as a domestic appliance to service them) down.

What do you think your children are learning here about relationships from the two of you?. They are seeing and hearing perhaps far more than you care to realise.

Thank you everyone for the replies

I agree it's bullying behaviour. I'd say most of the time he is ok as a husband/dad. Not fantastic and seems to put himself first but he's ok. I don't get a lot of sympathy if, for example, I'm unwell, or feeling low. He likes to moan about what a hard day he's had, or how bad a cold he's got, or whatever.

He said last night that he feels that he works harder than me, and that I need to prove that I work as hard as he does during the day. He seems to have very high standards in the house, but it's ok for him not to meet them, but I am expected to. Don't get me wrong, I like a clean, tidy, organised house as much as the next person, but I find it soul destroying to have to make cleaning and tidying a huge part of every day. I'd rather the house was lived in and happy rather than a showhome.

Bullying and abusive behaviour go hand in hand. You are treated like a low level skivvy; that is all you are to him really. He has no respect for you whatsoever. I suppose you're expected to say, "there, there you poor little luv. Would you like me to fetch you some tea?" to him all the bloody time.

What are his parents like; what sort of role models are/were they?. Doubtless one or both of his parents act the exact same.

I was not surprised to read any of your first paragraph; all that shows how self centred and egotistical (me, me and me) he actually is. When you are unwell he shows you no sympathy or support whatsoever. He is also very good at employing and using double standards; its ok for him not to measure up but god help you if you do not measure up to his both unwarranted and unrealistic demands.

What do you get from such a relationship, what needs of yours are being met here?. Your needs are nowhere near being met here are they?.

Is he really ok as a husband/dad most of the time or is that just wishful thinking because the alternative is too painful to contemplate.

I just don't know, Attila :( I guess he is ok as a dad and ok as a husband, but nowhere near the level that I'd like him to be :( You are right that my needs aren't being met; I feel really sad today and at the same time I have a sense of worry that things aren't going to be good enough when he gets home tonight, but then on the other hand I think 'fuck him'

You need to prove you work as hard as him? Can I say.... fuckety fuck fuck fuck. Those being the exact words in my head when I read that. I really want to tell him to fuck off for you. I think that, as you get help and advice from others on this thread, you are going to realise how controlling and abusive your DH is. Ok isn't good enough btw. Its not good enough for him so why should it be good enough for you? You are expected to run an immaculate home and he is the one that is failing. There is irony there. and

"he feels that he works harder than me, and that I need to prove that I work as hard as he does during the day."

The only answer to that is "no I fucking do not. Do one, you bossy shite. You are not in charge here."

Of course, it's clear from all the things you've mentioned that he says, that he is a misogynist who thinks he is the only real person in the family and that the rest of you exist to reflect back on him how wonderful and important he is.

I think if you get rid of him you'll bloom as a person.

This man is draining your energy by bullying you and forcing you to do all the housework and childcare.

Without him you'll be able to reach your potential as a person. He's holding you back.

I am really dreading him coming home tonight, even though he's apologised, as at the moment I don't even want to see him.

I think there is a third way. Dh has done things like this in the past when he's stressed. Tell him it's unacceptable, maybe go away for a week and leave him to cope. Tell him, when he feels like that, he needs to have an alternative coping strategy. If he really doesn't respect what you do, he should be honest so you can decide what to do then.

Why don't you ask him not to come home?

That the way he behaves when he comes in from work is so unacceptable that you want to make your life happier by cutting that part of the day out completely.

I could have written your posts
I've had those kind if scenes for the last 5 years
He will never change. Sorry
I'm just realising that and heading for divorce
I wish I'd done it 5 years ago

'Soul destroying', 'dreading', 'worry that things aren't going to be good enough'.... None of these feelings should happen in a healthy, equal relationship. Very common feelings, sadly, when you live with a bully

So basically mostly he's not a nightmare, but is really pretty mediocre, and then once every 3 months he's an evil abusive misogynist arse?

Sorry but no. I wouldn't tolerate that, and I wouldn't remain to be treated that way. Life is too short.

Bear in mind that if you're working you're entitled to tax credits etc, and maintenance is not factored in when allocating benefits anymore. So you might even be better off financially, too. Not that that would mean a scrap if the relationship offered you anything but hassle and upset, but as it is... what do you get from his presence? Other than more housework and intermittent abuse?

You know, dh and I have had moments where one thinks the other is doing much less. Usuly we have an argument and in most cases the person being unreasonable bcks down and realises he/she is being a twat.

What we don't do is have one of us thinking this all of the time. We do t feel the need to prove what either of is do because when we are calm, we see it. We don't come home from work and fly off the handle. And neither of us treats the other like a child with A list of homework activities to be ticked off.

I suspect if you tell him you are atill unhappy he will say,"but I apologised. Why are you nagging me." You need to be clear that what is really getting you down is the relentless nature of his behaviour. It's not clear that you currently getting much from this relationship.

I increasingly think that a lot of people, men and women, have the potential to be bullies/abusive at home. Their partners need to make it clear they won't put up with it and the person needs to want to be better.

Sounds exactly like the way my dad treated my mum. They have been together 40 years and he is exactly the same. If you stay then this is how your life will be forever.

With my husband the resentment was always there
So the blow up was always waiting to happen
He'd cover it over and we'd have some nice times but if I didn't do everything when and how he wanted I knew ultimately I'd be in trouble. Maybe not today, but sometime in the future he would throw it back in my face
He is also very selfish and basically his life is great if he gets to do what he wants to do

He is not being abusive every three months. You are keeping a showhome every day. To placate him. Soul destroying. Every day.

The 'Look, I've apologised' thing is exactly what he's doing. Acting as if it's me being unreasonable as I don't think a solitary 'sorry' is quite enough to make up for how he's behaved. We spoke on the phone a short while ago and I've said that with the way I feel right now I will be looking for somewhere else for the children and I to live. I'm not sure if I actually mean it or not, but it's how I feel this morning

Whoa! Why are you and the children leaving? It is easier for him to go?