Feel like splitting with my 'D' H

[ikeaaddict]

It seems to be a recurring theme in my marriage that every so often DH will get in a bad mood and literally explode at me, saying things that are very below the belt, very untrue and often focussing on me being 'lazy', which I most certainly am not. His bad moods happen maybe once every 3 months or so.

We have 2 DCs (aged 9 and 4). I do the bulk of the childcare as DH seems to have opted out of parenting his children. I do all of the housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, and other smaller but essential tasks that DH wouldn't even realise need doing in the first place! I also work from home, on a freelance basis. Sometimes my hours are full time and sometimes less, but the job I do is fairly stressful and demanding. Dh works full time, and doesn't like his job currently, yet won't look for anything else or look into starting up on his own (he is a tradesman).

Anyway, last night he got in from work at about 6pm and out of the blue (as all his outbursts are) started saying the house was a tip. It wasn't at all. I'd done 5 hours of work yesterday whilst the DCs were at school, plus one hour of cleaning and tidying. He went mad because in his words 'the table is a mess', when it was actually all stuff he left there, and then he went mad again because there was stuff on top of the tumble drier that he'd got out of it, and in his words I 'should have put it away today'. He then said I was lazy, my job was a pile of shit, and that I sit on the computer all day. Well the latter is true but that's because I work on the laptop! He said in future he is going to check the history of the computer to see I'm not just sitting online all day and that he thinks I should justify my day to him every day! He also said he is going to stop 'bank rolling' me, which he most certainly doesn't do as I contribute a not-insignificant amount to household finances too. Also he was enraged that I hadn't walked his dog yesterday as I'd been working a lot.

Then he said he was going to quit his job and just 'go to Sainsburys all day' like I apparently do. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for him. However much time I do it's just not good enough and he finds things to shout at me about in his outbursts. I grew up with a father who did the same thing to my mum and me, and I find it really hard, and very upsetting.

I put the kids to bed then went to bed myself to watch TV and he came upstairs and went 'What's the matter with you?' and I just ignored him so he stormed out for a bit and then came home and came and apologised and said he was out of order. I felt too upset to really talk to him much about things. It just feels like he's gone a step too far this time and his apology was too little, too late. I just feel like at 37 years of age I don't have to put up with that rubbish anymore.

He was all nice and lovey dovey to me this morning. I think he knows that I'm really really cross and I did mention last night that I wasn't putting up with his moods any longer and wanted to leave. I just feel so low today.

Definitely it should be him that moves out. No point disrupting the children.

I did mention last night that I wasn't putting up with his moods any longer and wanted to leave.

Ah, that explains his apologies. He must have realised that he pushed you a little too far and he's backtracking now, because in fact he really likes not doing a thing at home, having someone else parent his children and have sex (presumably) on tap.

This is where you change things. You give him fair responsibility for the children as well as the house (and his dog). He steps up or not, in which case it's up to you what you do. But beware that if you are not prepared to actually leave he won't change at all.

Do you rent or own?

You could tell him to leave, but he can't be forced to. So, TBH, a more decisive action is indeed for you and the children to leave. Looking for places will show him you are serious, and if you still want to get rid of him, this way it is quicker and less painful.
I'd leave rather than drag separation for months, trying to convince him to leave, etc.
If he does offer to leave instead of you, great. But then, I'd set a deadline and move out myself if he doesn't.

Why would you be the one to move out? The kids would be better staying in their own home, and as you're legally married whose name is on the mortgage/deeds/tenancy doesn't matter.

If you can afford it, I'd visit a solicitor. No commitment, but to see how the land lies. They often offer free initial appointments - no harm in checking.

The fact he's offered a cursory apology and then expects it all to go away does look to me as if he thinks his sentiments are valid and his right, but his losing his temper in expressing them not. Given his sentiments are the issue - we all lose our tempers unreasonably at times - that's a serious, serious issue, I think.

You could tell him to leave, but he can't be forced to.

That's also unfortunately true. Only a formal separation/divorce agreement could force that.

I think a chat with a solicitor on the legal implications if you leave the family home might be called for if you own it, though. No idea what, if any, they might be, but worth a chat?

I've just spoken to him on the phone again and said I'm really not happy and he tried to twist it round and make out I was being unreasonable by wanting to discuss something that 'we've already talked about last night'

You might still feel like fixing this but honestly I think you would be wasting your time. It's clear that as far as he's concerned you should accept his lame ass apology and shut up - ie he gets to dictate how you feel and respond to him. He has so little respect for you that the idea that he should listen to you and try to understand where you're coming from doesn't even occur to him. He's said what he has to say and that's all that matters.

He is a bully Cogito is spot on with him ' keeping you on your toes*

Does he do this to other people/ work colleagues? I bet he doesn't . Which means he is singling you out .

I agree with telling him to leave. No amount of talking will make him change. Take action.

It's clear that as far as he's concerned you should accept his lame ass apology and shut up - ie he gets to dictate how you feel and respond to him.

Afraid I agree.

We all fuck up sometimes. How people respond to their having done so is so telling, and so important. The ability to take responsibility for your own actions and choices kind of lies at the heart of any ability to form functional relationships, IMO. He's not showing much, is he?

He clearly does not see you and him as equals, in fact he seems to constantly remind you of how fantastic he is and how shit you are - so unfair and yes is bullying, you wouldn't allow a friend to speak to you this way so why allow your partner - it's called having respect and he's showing you none, well done for keeping quiet, I think I would've exploded at him. Time to sit down and tell him things need to change.

I am another one who could have written you post - i also work from home and have had the whole "you just sit on your arse all day" comment.

thankfully it has stopped - but because i took a stand. i said his outbursts had to stop or i would leave and he needed to show me commitment toward making himself better.

A year later he really has improved. never 100%, but still an amazing improvement.

it can be done - but only if he is willing and he gets too much in my opinion from the status quo. So you need to point out to him what he is losing.

Thank you everyone for taking the time and trouble to reply.

CailinDana, you have summed up exactly how he is behaving and how I feel; he seems to think his half hearted 'sorry' will just make me magically forget and forgive how he's behaved and then carry on as normal. And like you say, I feel as though he is trying to dictate how I react to his apology and how I'm supposed to feel.

I tried to talk to him last night but he just kept saying 'I've said I'm sorry, there is no point in dredging up an old argument' and I said to him that there wasn't in fact any argument, just him being a total arse, and that I was entitled to express my view. He was super-dad yesterday evening though, or at least tried to be. He even washed up the lunchboxes, which is something he always refuses to do. I know it's just all an act though to make me forgive him and to make out that I'm just making a fuss over a bit of a blip in our relationship.

I see a counsellor every month or so and as luck would have it I had an appointment with her last night after DH got home from work, so I talked it over with her and I've come to the conclusion that I'm best off thinking on things for a few days and coming to a calm, rational decision about what I want to do from here.

I know that if DH keeps acting the way he is acting then I don't see a future for our relationship. I don't think he would go to relationship counselling so that would probably be a no-no. I think he knows he has to change though if things are going to work....

" dredging up an old argument"

The events you describe happened on Monday night. He launched into you saying the house was a tip and so forth. Today is Wednesday so not even 72 hours have passed. It's not an 'old argument' therefore, it's a current & repeating behavioural problem. His behaviour.

Exactly, Cogito. I think he's just trying to make out that I'm very unreasonable and that I'm dwelling as he's decided to apologise so I'm meant to just get over it.

Life so simple for some people isn't it? :) 1. Act like a arse 2. Say sorry 3. Expect everyone to conveniently forget 4. If people don't cave, see 1.

You're better than this OP

Gosh - he sounds like a deeply unpleasant person to live with. Must be so tempting to give him a completely irrational dressing down about something, go to bed and then be sweetness and light in the morning and tell him not to dredge up old arguments. What.A.Tosser.

My Dad used to do this very frequently. Had a stressful job which I suspect he didn't like much of the time and was the sole breadwinner [I know this isn't the situation here]. My siblings and I spent our childhood and teen years not knowing who was going to walk through the door in the evening, Jekyll or Hyde. Must be similar to living with an alcoholic. He fixated on clutter and detritus as he came through the door and there would be a mad panic when we heard the car in the driveway to check that coats, schoolbags were out of sight, toys put away and everyone was busy "helping" not slobbing in front of the TV.

As an adult, clutter and crap stresses me out. I simply can't look at it and I find myself after a long day at work tidying up in a mood and irrationally snapping at my DH. It's something I work on and recognise the cause of, but can't control how it makes me feel. Don't underestimate the impact of your DH's behaviour on your kids.

My DH has periods where he hates his job and is a nightmare to live with (me too probably). Not to make excuses for his behaviour in the slightest - it is one thing to behave badly and abjectly apologise for it. But to minimise it and make you you are the grudge holder is disgraceful.

Time for a sit down and a rather large chat I think. If he can finish a job he dislikes at 6pm then he has plenty of time to walk his own dog, help with the household and set up his own business on the side. He needs to know that you REALLY won't stand for it if he repeats this sort of crap.

Oscar, that is exactly how I feel when he gets in. I see his car pull up in the driveway and always try to busy myself so that it looks like I'm doing things. He gets moody if he gets home and I'm on the laptop, or slobbing in front of the tv.

I tried talking to him again last night but he refuses to talk and either doesn't answer me or says that all I want to do is argue.

I'll probably be flamed for this as the mumsnet recommended approach seems to be classify DH as an EA, kick him out and LTB. But anyway, in for a penny.....

I know he is your husband, is not a child and this shouldn't be necessary, but if it was your boss and you were stuck with a moody tosser with no option to go anywhere, you'd try all kinds of ways to make life different.

You could try a completely different approach, the woe is you, empathetic/sympathetic concerned wife. "You seem to be very unhappy at the moment, what's going on?" Sometimes we all just need the opportunity to vent and moan about situations we are in, talk through the options and even if the conclusion is still that the status quo remains the status quo, we feel better for it. With any luck an empathetic approach will give you the opportunity to talk about the impact his moods are having on you and the kids without it turning into an argument. He may well be repeating his own childhood patterns unconsciously.

Setting up one's own business is a huge step and it is financially risky. Plus there's all the tax return and billing side of things. He may long to work for himself but be totally put off. Can you work on a business plan together to see how viable it would be. Can you suggest that he drops a day a week and you work more hours (assuming you can get them if you want them)? Even offering might make him feel less frustrated and trapped.

Does he do any sort of physical activity? My DH has taken up a new sport and a few hours out on the weekend literally running off steam puts him in a great mood (if a little knackered) for the weekend. It's totally worth the 3 hrs sole childcare. Does he have a mate who can encourage him to join him for golf (blee), cycling, climbing, footie or similar?

Personally, I'd try a few things (which you may well have done already) before pulling out the big guns and telling him to shape up within a specified timeframe or take a hike. I'd be looking for a nice opportunity in the meantime to stay with some relatives and leave him to it with the kids for a few days to gain some appreciation for what you do. Does his work shut down over Christmas ? Can your mum get flu or something nice and contagious that needs nursing but you can't take the kids with you?

You could be me 2 years ago. My XH was exactly the same and with some nasty personal insults and less parenting.

As soon as I told him it was over he also pulled the Superdad routine, but thankfully he has managed to continue it on his one day a week access. DCs get to spend some proper time with him, I no longer have to worry that the house is a tip not a show home, he has his own space and can keep it tidy and clean to his hearts desire.

If you're really not at the end of your tether by all means try to change him, our Relate counsellor suggested "surprising him" with an unusual response such as a cuddle or a laugh next time he demanded to check my receipts. I asked if surprising him with a frying pan round the head was acceptable, but funnily enough jokes about DV don't go down very well at Relate

Anyway, whatever you decide, life after marriage can be fab, financial freedom, no pressure, a regular night off if you're lucky. Don't fear it as the last resort.