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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just told my mum to fuck off

32 replies

LEMisafucker · 25/11/2013 19:01

:( i was just at the end of my rope. Took her to the doctors, she was vile, wouldn't tell the doctor was was wrong, etc, it goes on and on and on, she has a bad back and we need to see her doctor about that, but she insisted on an emergency appointment today for something that is niggly. She insisted on walking to the town (i was already stressed becuse DP looking after DD and he needed to work, already behind with his job) i said that i would go for her but couldnt go with her because i didnt have time and that she should just let me go, then she started going on about how i don't do anything for her and she has to manage her own stuff (bullshit) and that i don't take her dog out for long enouh (i don't take him far because he actually can't cope with a long walk, old dog with bad legs). I just lost my rag and told her i couldnt deal with it and as i walked off told her to fuck off, i doubt she heard, shes deaf as a post but i still said it, didn't i.

I feel disgusted with myself, i should have just walked to the town with her and carried her shopping but I was stressed as i knew i had to get back for DD and she had been awful in the doctors so i was already stressed out.

I suffer from anxiety and am on medication, but thats no excuse - i am a vile person, people think im nice - if only they knew eh

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 25/11/2013 19:08

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. Sometimes people push you too far. I swear under my breath at my DM all the time, thankfully she is also a bit deaf. Everyone thinks she is a sweet little old lady but in reality she would try the patience of a saint.

Original poster
LEMisafucker · 25/11/2013 19:16

Its been going on for ages holdthepage, i have just had enough

OP posts:
LisaMed · 25/11/2013 19:17

I've seen your other posts. You have the patience of a saint and she doesn't deserve someone as caring as you.

I suggest that you accept that you are human, that you can be pushed beyond reasonable limits and allow yourself some down time away from her. Serious hugs.

Mixxy · 25/11/2013 19:19

Don't be so hard on yourself. I punched my 80 year old MIL in the face and few months back in response to her slapping me across the face. A person can only take so much.

Hissy · 25/11/2013 19:25

Love, I applaud you!

Well done! You should have shouted it years ago!

Now leave her to her own dramas, let her piss off doctors, surgeries, pharmacists, the lot!

She's big enough and nasty enough to bully people, she's big enough to sort it out herself.

Don't you dare apologise/back down or crumble!

You hear?

:)

Hissy · 25/11/2013 19:26

Bet if you reduce contact with that woman, your anxiety'll be reduced too.

Why not try it? What have you got to lose?

hollyisalovelyname · 25/11/2013 19:27

So I am not the only one with a difficult elderly mother.
I have to keep reminding myself how great she was up to a couple of years ago. She is so difficult and touchy. She's a bit deaf too but would hear me saying F off ! Strange that Grin
I can do nothing right. My brothers can do nothing wrong. Aghhhh!!!

Original poster
LEMisafucker · 25/11/2013 19:30

Oh Mixxy i am sorry but your post made me laugh :)

OP posts:
Mixxy · 25/11/2013 19:39

Good. See, you're not a horrible person. You just reached your limit. Seems like you reached it years ago. Don't feel bad, don't apologize, don't go running back to her.
As for me? I'm not sorry one bit.

tinmug · 25/11/2013 19:55

OP, this has been going on for ages now and you've had the patience of a saint thus far. You really aren't a vile person, at all. She is - sorry - awful. Her age isn't really relevant and her status as your parent isn't really relevant. Her behaviour towards you is APPALLING and it's no wonder you finally snapped. I would have lost it years ago! You have your own life and your own stuff going on; you can't be expected to fuss and faff over her and cater to her every (ILLOGICAL!) whim. Give yourself a break.

(By the way, my mother made me so angry a week ago that I went into the kitchen, bit a slab of parmesan in half and hurled one piece at the bin as hard as I could Confused )

SkullyAndBones · 25/11/2013 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 25/11/2013 20:07

Perhaps you should snap a bit more often. She might then think a bit about how she should speak to you.

FoxyHarlow123 · 25/11/2013 20:47

Another voice adding moral support and proof that you're not alone. My mum is challenging, to put it politely, and I have lost the plot on more than one occasion. There has been several episodes of swearing and shouting and I have gone supersonic many, many times. I'm not proud of myself and I actively try to manage my response but everyone has their limit.

Original poster
LEMisafucker · 25/11/2013 21:02

The ironic thing is that she has been ok all weekend, perfectly pleasant, we had gone and bought her a microwave and mini oven and i said i would get dp to fit her a new worktop., but i knew it wouldnt last long. She used to do this to my dad, poor bugger - he truly was a saint among men. I do feel bad, she must be so very lonely but you know what, she has relations, but they don't bother with her. They have told me they know what she is like.

Maybe i paint a bleaker picture of what she is like, i do feel so bad - my DP actually went looking for her when i came home because i was worried she would not be able to get back from the town, i shouldn't have let him go really.

Why can't she be like other mums? you know, someone i can talk to (sometimes i go to take the dog and im lucky if she talks to me) and go for a coffee with, gossip about the rest of the family, that sort of thing, but there is no relationship other than my doing stuff for her and getting no thanks, sometimes she gives me money, i think it assuages her guilt, i try not to accept it but she tells me to get stuff for DD. I feel guilty for accepting it, she has enough though, i get so angry about this though, its like she feels she can treat me like this because she gives me £20 here and there.

I miss my dad :(

OP posts:
ModreB · 25/11/2013 21:15

My childless DAunt bullied me and my DSis for years. We told our mum, and Nana, and nothing was done about it. They would all go out shopping on a Saturday and leave us with her, and she, TBH terrorised us. Every week. For Years.

When DS1 was about 4yo, DS2 2yo, we went round to my Nana's house, she (DAunt) was constantly on their back. And had been for months, from about the same time, age-wise, it started with DSis and I. It was nothing bad, for instance, DS1 would leave a door open, she would shout into his face "Shut the bleeding door". Next time, he would shut it and she would shout "Stop F***g slamming the Door." into his face. He wasn't slamming the door, you couldn't hear it shut. I said, "Don't speak to him like that please, he is doing nothing wrong." DNan said the same. For Weeks.

Repeat every time we visited DNana.

I eventually broke, and punched her in the face. Twice. I am not proud.

The whole family was in uproar, until DSis and I reminded them that she had done the same thing to us, but that they had done nothing about it. I told them all that I was going to protect my DC's as they had failed to protect us, and if a verbal intervention was not enough, as it hadn't been for months, then I had the right to a physical intervention if she was physically threatening my DC. Which at the time, she was. Fist raised on a 7yo and everything.

My DC's still remember the fact that I protected them from her bullying, and they still remember that I tried to talk to her first.

She never did it again.

ImperialBlether · 25/11/2013 21:36

So that's two people on here who have punched 80 year old women in the face?

Is no-one else shocked by this?

What's wrong with just walking away when someone behaves badly towards you?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 25/11/2013 21:39

I'm pretty shocked, but to be honest the 80 year olds sound like real pieces of work!

Oodmaiden · 25/11/2013 21:44

I cannot imagine EVER punching someone in the face. No matter how furious I might be with them.

Telling them to F* Off a la LEM, oh yes - but to actually punch someone... in the face!

I do think that is way beyond an acceptable response...

ModreB · 25/11/2013 21:50

Imperial you have no idea of the provocation. None at all. For Years. She wasn't 80, she was 60. With a history of physical and emotional abuse to children. Not just me and DSis, but every child in the extended family. For years. No SEN. No excuse. Just nasty.

She was told over and over again to not speak to my children like that. Not just by me, but extended members of the family. She had my child held on his tiptoes, by the throat. At 4yo. For shutting a door. What would you have done, turned and walked away. Really?

tinmug · 25/11/2013 21:57

Modre it does sound like she was an awful person but - genuine question, not a victim-blaming accusation - why were you made to keep exposing your children to her? You had every right to say her behaviour was unacceptable and that you would not tolerate it. Why/how were you made to put up with it over a period of weeks? Had you raised your voice to her before?

fhdl34 · 25/11/2013 22:07

OP I don't know the history of your relationship with her but I just wanted to give some support. I have had to walk away from my dad this year. He has been in very poor health, almost died twice, in and out of hospital, etc. I gave as much help as I could but when I got to 7 months pregnant with a 20 month old toddler to look after, I just couldn't take it anymore. I did so much for him but as soon as I couldn't do what he wanted, or in the way he wanted, I apparently wanted to do nothing to help him at all and I was selfish.y anxiety was so bad, I went to the doctors and thankfully they acted swiftly (I have a history of mental illness) because of the impending birth and got me CBT within about 3 weeks. It has really helped me but honestly the thing that has helped me most is cutting my dad out. It's not the first time I've had to do it, but it's the first time I've had to do it when there was a very real chance of him dying before we got chance to speak again. I have had to accept that risk, and I've felt shitty about it but I also know I am about to have another baby, my dd needs me to and I cannot afford to fall apart.
I am lucky in that my family know what he is like (my sil is also 35 weeks pregnant, has been admitted until the birth as she almost had to give birth last week and my dad was still hassling my brother to leave her on her own and give him a lift somewhere even though he is well off and could afford a taxi) and so they don't blame me for it.
You need your health, your dd and dp depend on you. Please don't feel bad, this type of toxic parent is more common than you think

GoodtoBetter · 25/11/2013 22:12

Aside from the punching issue, LEM your mum sounds like a horrible, entitled, bitter and nasty woman. And you sound like someone who has been trained all your life to feel you must make her happy (do we have the same mother?)
She's a cow, you should have shouted fuck off. Read Toxic parents and back off from her a bit, I bet you'll find you're not as anxious.

xx

ImperialBlether · 25/11/2013 22:23

"Next time, he would shut it and she would shout "Stop F***g slamming the Door." into his face. He wasn't slamming the door, you couldn't hear it shut."

It would only take one of those incidents to stop me going there at all. I'm not trying to be holier than thou here, it's just I avoid anyone who's aggressive and violent and I certainly wouldn't let my children near them.

There's always another route to take rather than violence. Always.

Mellowandfruitful · 25/11/2013 22:30

LEM I sometimes think that people push you more the more you show you will put up with, which is a fine reward for trying to be kind and supportive to people, but there you are. And then you end up in a cycle where you find it harder and harder to cope but also aware you don't want to snap back - until one day you do snap. Don't blame yourself. I think walking away was probably the best option. Even elderly people shouldn't just get a permanent free pass to behave as unpleasantly as they like.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 25/11/2013 22:59

Hi O.P. You're not a vile person at all, you're a human being who lost it with someone who they love beyond words. You have recognised that you've did wrong and that's fine. It would be a problem if you had no guilt.

Please do not spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about it xx