Fed up with this pattern

[TalkinginCircles]

I've NC for this, not that anyone is likely to recognise me but just in case.

DH smokes weed. I knew this when I met him and didn't have a problem with the weed smoking itself. He is a wonderful husband, does his share (if reminded what needs doing) and the only real downside to the effect smoking has on him is that he can be a little lethargic.

Thing is he clearly has a problem. He can't manage without smoking, says he can't sleep without a smoke and it helps manage his anxiety. He keeps saying he'll cut down, take a break etc but never does. In particular he says he'll cut dow now we have our first dc on the way as I've made it very clear that smoking while taking care of dc will not be acceptable. Yet the last few weeks he's been smoking more not less.

The other problem is the amount it's costing. He's spending about twice what he was a little while ago now and that doesn't include cigarettes for making joints. Some weeks the weed and cigs adds up to nearly half of our spending money which covers food, petrol and anything else which doesn't come under the heading 'bills'.

He is terrible at managing money so i deal with our finances and asks me before he spends but he acts like i'm being totally unreasonable if I say no and often we end up 'borrowing' from the bill money. He's also had the nerve to complain that the reason we have no money is because I'm paying too large payments off our debts, which I'm going to have pretty much cleared by the time I go on maternity leave. He keeps suggesting I buy things I want like having a haircut or buying some contact lenses, or clothes I want (and need) but doesn't understand that we just can't afford it despite me explaining our finances to him. We have pretty no disposable income after the weekly shop, petrol, bills and his smoking. We have no savings and I can't see us saving even after the debts are cleared because I'll be on maternity allowance an money will be tight, yet if we weren't spending so much on his smoking we could put a little aside each week, even if it's only £10 or so. It feels like this is holding us back.

It's been concerning me for a while now but is becoming more an more of a problem for me, although probably never a deal breaker as I do love him and apart from this we have a great relationship.

Not sure what the point of this post was really apart from to vent. Sorry.

I meant to add, it's a pattern because I express concern, he makes all the right noises about cutting down or taking a break then nothing changes.

it sounds like he's sinking deeper and deeper into addiction and loosing touch with reality, specially if he can't understand budgetting.

Im not sure what you can do about it though unless he himself decides to change.

Btw this is only anecdotal but really excessive weed smoking can have some nasty effects from what I've seen. Maybe I'm worrying way too much here but a friend's husband has become dangerously paranoid recently after many years extremely heavy weed use. Could be coincidence but ..,

My girlfriend and I are in similar circumstances in some ways (I'm the smoker). I can understand his position, as I suffered from horrific insomnia and anxiety related to my ASD and cannabis is an incredible boon that I'd rather not go without.

That being said, he needs to be responsible with money and balancing it against things you both really need.

My girlfriend would like me to cut down, mostly for health/finance reasons. What she suggested was that I try to go a week without and that she would do everything and anything to help me sleep and feel less anxious. Being candid, it means sex on tap for a week.

What this emphasised for me was that she believed that I was smoking for genuine reasons (fun as well, but I wouldn't do it so much just for fun). It also showed me that she appreciated how painful it would be for me to do this, that I would largely be doing it for her benefit and that she would make a commensurate effort to assist and support me.

By making it less about something I was doing and more something that we were doing together it makes it a hell of a lot more scary. We've pencilled it in for the new year together and it will be a lot harder for me to forget or ignore it as it's something that we will both be participating in.

If it works, then maybe it will be possible for me to cut down or back entirely and if not, then at least we will both know the effort was genuine.

So in summary, make quitting for a week something you do together, make it an experiment/adventure and give him something to replace the lost dopamine and serotonin. I'm actually looking forward to my personal drought in January.

• hell of a lot less scary, dammit.

1st of all you have to accept the 3 "c"s of addiction.

You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Right now, weed is more important to him than you or your baby. Sorry but its the honest truth. You cant help him, you can support him on his chosen path but you cant make him join it (or stick to it)

He needs to see his GP to talk about medicating or counselling for his anxiety. Weed will make it worse.

Tell him to talk to Frank

Children who grow up in houses where drug use is normalised are likely to fall into the same pattern, I'm sure neither of you want that for your own DC.

Take care of yourself and your baby, your DH needs to take control for himself.

Meerka He's definitely addicted. being rubbish at budgeting is not a new problem though, he was in a lot of debt when we met and we've paid that off, together since joining our money in one account. He's smoked it for years although managed not to when his controlling ex fordid it. Of course if I push the issue I'm being just like her.

Neo I'm well aware of the reasons he smokes, partly fun, partly due to anxiety and poor sleep (although I sometimes wonder which came first, the anxiety/insomnia or the smoking), he knows that I acknowledge that and that I'd rather he smoked less rather than insisting he stop. He is also pretty much impossible to have a calm and rational conversation about it with. I've been very supportive but he barely makes an effort, there's always some excuse. Quitting for a week is something he plans regularly but it rarely lasts more than a couple of days.

It would appear that weed is his first priority right now.

Booster He is on medication for the anxiety an has been on the waiting list for CBT for about 18 months. He feels he needs counselling as he had a very difficult childhood which he thinks is partly the cause of his anxiety, but there's a long wait and we can't afford it privately.

I believe him when he says he'll keep it away from the baby, he smokes outside anyway and wouldn't leave it lying around but at the same time children notice a lot of things people try and hide don't they?

DC are very perceptive there is no getting past my 9 year old and i think yes, eventually they would cotton on. The smell is pretty distinctive. It clings to hair/clothes in the same way cigarette smoke does and has the same consequences as passive smoking.

Perhaps a return visit to the GP reference his meds would be advisable? Clearly it isn't working for him and perhaps a different type of medication would be more suitable? FWIW, it sounds like he is using his anxiety as an excuse to plead "self medication" and keep you off his back about it.

He is about to become a father, he needs to grow up.

If it's a major problem he'd be back at the GP demanding to be bumped up the CBT list, given interim treatment, prescribed ADs or whatever else it takes to kick this habit and function as a normal human being. #

I think you're deluding yourselves about what this is going to mean when there is a baby. Those first few months are very hard work and you're going to be doing all of it single-handed. No you can't leave a doped up man in charge of a baby.... ever. He can't drive you to the hospital or run errands. Your finances are going to be even more stretched on maternity leave and it'll be you doing all the work there as well, penny-pinching while he sets light to your cash and zones out. It's not just a case of him smoking outside and hiding things. You'll find you feel very resentful being the only responsible adult in the house.

So I'd put that to him. No sitting around shrugging his shoulders for 18 months.... do something concrete about the addiction and the anxiety.

Yeah I think it is partly an excuse because he has been saying that his current meds are helping and he is hardly having problems with his anxiety at the moment.

He does need to grow up. In his eyes I'm being unreasonable by objecting to the amount he smokes. He said earlier that 'it wasn't an issue when he was just supporting himself' then got all annoyed when I took offence. I'm starting to really worry about making ends meet when I'm on maternity leave.

Cross post cogito he has been to the gp repeatedly and apart from trying different medication he's been told he just has to wait for the cbt. Apparently because he is able to work it's not 'bad' enough for any more urgent help. I have been to most of his appointments for for support because he wanted me to.

I'm already feeling frustrated and resentful. I'm already penny pinching, worrying about finances and never spend anything on myself because we don't have the money.

I suppose I will have to have a talk with him. Again. But he doesn't tend to take anything perceived as criticism well so it's likely to be fairly pointless.

You don't need the extra stress Circles

Is he aware of what would happen if a neighbour reported him to social services for smoking weed with a newborn in the house?

Would that scare him? Or would losing his weed scare him more?

Sadly, you may have to threaten the ultimate sanction i.e splitting up, and be prepared to follow through if you want him to take this seriously and also protect your own and your DC's future.

"he doesn't tend to take anything perceived as criticism well "

How does he take it? Aggressive? Depressed?

If he stopped the cannabis he would have the money for therapy, no?

How much does he spend on weed every week now?

Excellent point Polo

There are other (cheaper) ways of dealing with anxiety than smoking dope! It's good that he's on the waiting list for CBT, but there are a lot of packages and programmes about managing it that you can do yourself from the comfort of your own home - guided meditation, free computer courses etc. etc. etc. Perhaps suggest that he cuts down a bit on the dope and does some of these while you wait for the counselling?

Cogito I honestly couldn't go as far as threatening to split up and certainly couldn't go through with it. There's no way I'd ever be without him, apart from the smoking issue he is a good husband and we have a great relationship.

He tends to get upset and very defensive at perceived criticism, it ends up as a row, it then acheives nothing.

polo yes if he smoked less we could afford counselling.

I honestly couldn't go as far as threatening to split up and certainly couldn't go through with it

Then he has no incentive to change.

Sorry, but you really will end up talking in circles.

The last couple of weeks he's spent about £60 a week, probably more if you take cigarettes for joints into account. That's more than our weekly shop.

So this anxious, weed smoking, money-wasting man yells at you for wanting him to behave like a grown-up and you're just supposed to shut up? Oh yeah.... I see how that's a 'great relationship'....

I can see how that doesn't sound good but infrequent arguments don't cancel out the good parts of a relationship. This has only recently become a major problem to me, probably because his spending on it has increased an partly because the closer we get to ds being born the more it bothers me.

Ok then.
You do a spreadsheet.
All incomings and all outgoings.
Then what is left, 1/3 goes into savings and 1/3 each for your own personal use. If he chooses to spend all of his 1/3 on weed then that's what he does. If it's only £10 each then he will seriously need to limit what he spends on weed.
You should NOT be sacrificing haircuts so he can smoke weed! That is just mental. Can you not see that???
It would have been deal breaker for me from the start.
If he won't agree to the finances and just wants more to smoke and you to go without then you have your answer and you will probably be better off without him or the drag he is on your income!
Time to put you and your baby first.
Do you want to be putting up with this in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years time?
Can you imagine the resentment you will have by then!

Because he gets upset at perceived criticism my guess is that you don't raise the subject as often as you should. So the arguments may be infrequent but the problems with his behaviour are 24/7.

Agree with hellsbells... you have to restrict the amount of personal 'spends' he has access to and prioritise essentials and savings.