Fed up with this pattern

[TalkinginCircles]

I've NC for this, not that anyone is likely to recognise me but just in case.

DH smokes weed. I knew this when I met him and didn't have a problem with the weed smoking itself. He is a wonderful husband, does his share (if reminded what needs doing) and the only real downside to the effect smoking has on him is that he can be a little lethargic.

Thing is he clearly has a problem. He can't manage without smoking, says he can't sleep without a smoke and it helps manage his anxiety. He keeps saying he'll cut down, take a break etc but never does. In particular he says he'll cut dow now we have our first dc on the way as I've made it very clear that smoking while taking care of dc will not be acceptable. Yet the last few weeks he's been smoking more not less.

The other problem is the amount it's costing. He's spending about twice what he was a little while ago now and that doesn't include cigarettes for making joints. Some weeks the weed and cigs adds up to nearly half of our spending money which covers food, petrol and anything else which doesn't come under the heading 'bills'.

He is terrible at managing money so i deal with our finances and asks me before he spends but he acts like i'm being totally unreasonable if I say no and often we end up 'borrowing' from the bill money. He's also had the nerve to complain that the reason we have no money is because I'm paying too large payments off our debts, which I'm going to have pretty much cleared by the time I go on maternity leave. He keeps suggesting I buy things I want like having a haircut or buying some contact lenses, or clothes I want (and need) but doesn't understand that we just can't afford it despite me explaining our finances to him. We have pretty no disposable income after the weekly shop, petrol, bills and his smoking. We have no savings and I can't see us saving even after the debts are cleared because I'll be on maternity allowance an money will be tight, yet if we weren't spending so much on his smoking we could put a little aside each week, even if it's only £10 or so. It feels like this is holding us back.

It's been concerning me for a while now but is becoming more an more of a problem for me, although probably never a deal breaker as I do love him and apart from this we have a great relationship.

Not sure what the point of this post was really apart from to vent. Sorry.

Good grief - he spends well over £3,000 a year on weed and leaves you with no money for yourself and you are OK with this!???
Wow - just wow!!!

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Is he really such a wonderful H or would you like to think that he is such?. You come across as an both an enabler and co-dependant to him. I can certainly see what he gets from this now, but you?.

What is the longest period of time you have seen him not smoke cannabis?.

What came first; the dope or his ongoing problems with anxiety? I would argue that his smoking has really now affected his brain chemistry and has made his underlying anxiety worse, not better.

This really is disintegrating slowly before you very eyes; his primary relationship is with weed. You're basically running this by yourself now and soon there will be a child too. That young person deserves better. Your man is playing no real role here; he is just there self medicating his mental health problems with cannabis and not being at all successful in doing so.

You love him of that I have no doubt (why did you though choose a partner with such baggage like a weed addiction, I think you need to further examine why you did that) but he loves weed more than you and will likely not be able to quit. He may never decide to quit either, you certainly cannot make him do so.

Why can you not bear the thought of breaking up with him?. You have just sealed your own fate if you were to decide not to separate from him, there are no consequences really for his actions because you are still there mopping up all the mess.

He is, has and will drag you (and by turn your child) down with him.
Welcome to his pit.

Talking

Did you yourself grow up in such a household where drug taking or excess drinking was the norm?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, is this really the life you want for your child now. This child will have a worried and resentful mother running around all the time trying to keep the peace and a permanently stoned off his head dad.

Fuck that actually is a lot of money when added up over a year. It's only recently become that much per week but i definitely need to address it now before it becomes normal for him to spend that much. I guess because our disposable income is pretty small anyway and he does earn more than me (although not by much) I've been too laid back about him spending it all on weed.

Atilla He is a kind and caring person, he is very supportive, we enjoy spending time together and have plenty of shared interests. Believe me, if I wasn't getting anything out of it I wouldn't still be here. His smoking is not the be all and end all of our relationship, until recently it wasn't really a problem for me, it's starting to become out of control though. I suppose to an extent I am an enabler in that i don't stop him buying weed, but I also think I should make it clearer that it's becoming a problem for me too. Obviously if he won't acknowledge that then I may have to rethink things.

No I grew up in a 'normal' household. Parents married 20+ years now, drinking on social occasions or occasional glass of wine on a sunday, pretty good model for a relationship. No drug taking at all.

Not sure which came first, he's smoked since long before I met him but the anxiety was also there before I met him.

I know people here on the relationship board are quick to see the worst in a relationship but I don't think walking away when I'm happy apart from this one thing is necessarily the answer. I posted about an aspect that is a problem for me, not an overview of our entire relationship so I imagine it wouldn' look good from an outside perspective.

Either way I'm going to have a conversation about it tonight and make it clear that things can't continue like this.

'Walking away' is an emotive phrase. But, when dealing with any kind of addictive or other behaviour that is threatening the security and stability of a family, it has to be in there as a last resort. Loving support is fine but has no impact on a determined user. Medical help needs to be sought. But if he knows that you will always be there whether he's using, clean or whatever, there are no consequences severe enough for the person to change their habit.

There are other (cheaper) ways of dealing with anxiety than smoking dope!

Definitely. There are prescription drugs that end up a lot cheaper on the NHS. Dope isn't yet.
But his problem may be one of addiction rather than anxiety...

Or course he'll notice effects if he stops. Most people weaning off a drug experience side effects. He will probably feel better if he does stop it for good.

The amount he's spending should be enough for you to want him to stop and it does make him a bad husband and father if he's taking money away from his family to indulge in a selfish habit.
Would you put up with it if he was spending the same amount in gambling?

Why aren't you prepared to leave? What low do you think you'll have to reach? Finding yourself in debt because of him? Your family starving?

If you really want it to stop you do have to be prepared to leave. As most addicts, he's not likely to stop unless he reaches his bottom and has a very strong motivation to do it.

Hi Talkingincircles,

So what are you getting out of this, you did not specify what is in this for you. I am wondering if you actually have any rescuer and or saving tendencies when it comes to relationships because these can play a huge and detrimental role for the person who has those to begin with.

How much time do you realistically spend together now?.

Do your parents know about what is happening now?. Who knows the full extent of his cannabis dependency?.

I doubt very much you are happy anyway otherwise you would not have posted. Denial is also a powerful force and perhaps you do not want to admit to yourself the gravity of the error you have made in choosing such a man to now have a family with. Its not just you anymore, there will be a child soon as well.

What is a dealbreaker for you relationship wise; it seems to me that your boundaries on relationships are completely screwed up if you accept this at all. He is taking away food from you and by turn your child!. You are being put in financial hardship by his cannabis smoking, he is smoking any money away!!.

He knows you think its a problem and takes no notice of you. All he hears from you is white noise.

Walking away from him may well be the making of him have you considered that. And what about your child in all this?. Do you really want your child to see all this?.

All he is doing now is dragging you and your as yet unborn child down with him. Having a family unit of his own won't make him any more responsible; perhaps you erroneously thought it would.

You have a choice re this man - your child does not.

Sorry you're in this situation OP.

As others have said, he is addicted. I have been addicted to weed- for several years I relied on weed not just to sleep but just to go about my day feeling normal. I'm afraid the only way to improve it is for him to stop. He needs to stop. No compromising, just stop. Not take a break- stop. No occasional joints- I'm sure that is fine for some people, but not for an addict. Weed is a depressant and while he's still smoking daily he won't be able to bring himself or of whatever mental state is making him smoke that much in the first place.
But first he has to accept that this is a problem and I'm afraid you can't force this on him- he must come to that realisation himself. It seems like you won't consider it but a way to potentially move this along would be to make him leave. That way his drug use will have lost him something. He might resent you at first but if he successfully kicks the habit, he will stop.
If he carries on, this will only get worse. Addiction doesn't stay at the same level, it either stops or it gets worse.