What should a relationship look like after six months?

[uturnifyouwantto]

I've been with my BF for about six months. I am 30, he is 34. Both of us have lived with partners in the past, but no marriage/kids.

When we met I made clear that I wasn't really looking for a relationship (recent break-up) and made a number of noises about needing space, independence etc.

But now I'm starting to become concerned that he's embraced this a little too much. Previously by this point relationships felt quite serious, meeting family etc.

I'm planning to buy a flat by myself. He's not asked anything about what this means for us etc. Is that weird?

I told him I didn't want to spend christmas (I have a new niece!) or new year's with him (when he asked) but he's not exactly pressed it and I do think it's a bit weird for a couple not to celebrate new year's together.

Neither of us have made any moves to introduce each other to our families. I haven't even introduced him to any of my friends.

I do think he's keen but I think he wants a girlfriend, not a partner. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to be another girlfriend. But am I being unreasonable because I did a big song and dance about needing my space and keeping it casual. Or does it just sound like he wants to keep it casual? I think I've lost track of what is normal at this stage.

Unless you've told him that your views on space and casual have changed, then yes you're being unreasonable expecting him to want more. You've blown him out for Xmas and New Year. He's being very respectful of your wishes at the moment.

Erm

be careful what you wish for appears to apply here

you told him you wanted a casual relationship, and are now getting upset he isn't talking about moving in together after only 6 months ?

if you want more, tell him and be perfectly clear, otherwise it will be more mixed signals and guessing games

So you are telling him what you want and want him to do something different?

I think you need to be straighter with him, OP. Telling him you don't want to spend New Year with him, then getting all peeved cos he didn't press the point smacks of game-playing to me.

Talk to him. Tell him that you are ready for more commitment (if you're sure you are - you still sound a bit ambivalent to me).

No 2 relationships are the same at any given point - fwiw DH and I were engaged after 3 months! - but what matters is how it feels to you. It sounds from what you're saying that you aren't happy with where you are after 6 months, and tbh I think I would be looking for a bit more after that length of time. However, many others would be absolutely fine with that - so there is no right or wrong answer unless it's making you unhappy. Time for A Chat with him to see if you are on the same page? It's OK to change your mind you know - maybe he's trying to play it cool because that's what you told him you wanted? Unless you tell him otherwise he's not a mind reader! Good luck

Well those are three very straightforward answers. Yes, I guess essentially it is that. I've told him one thing but I guess I want him to read my mind. Maybe I just want to feel a little bit fought for?

Why ? You told him not to.

If some bloke started "fighting" against the clear boundaries that I had put in place, I would run for the hills. Wouldn't you ?

Please tell us you haven't been reading shit like "how to get your man to commit" and "men are from Mars.."

Summerplum I think I am a bit ambivalant too. Partly I always have been a bit commitment-phobic (my last boyfriend had to ask three times for me to move in with him) but I guess I'm also not sure what kind of commitment I do want from him.

And no Mist, haven't been reading any of that shit.

Wanting to be 'fought for' is not cool, OP. You're not fighting for him, are you? Seriously, don't play games. Be straight with him. But before you do, be very very clear about what you want. And be prepared for him to walk away if he's not as into you as you think he should be...

You sound like a Game Player/Hot and Cold Merchant

I think he should be running to the hills, quite frankly.

uturn TBH after reading your posts I have no idea what you want, so your BF probably doesn't have a clue either. Maybe you need to decide that first - and then tell him

Without sounding like a small child, I don't really know what I want. But I've never really had that view that relationships are shopping list and you go out looking for someone who will meet that.

If you were crazy about him, you'd want to be with him more. He's doing as you've asked, you're keeping him at arm's length... to be blunt, it doesn't sound like you want to be with him deep down.

Uturn maybe you're just over-analysing everything a bit too much?

Surely a relationship just deepens (or doesn't) at it's own pace naturally, without you having to monitor it or regulate it.

If you do want things to move on a bit, why don't you take the initiative and introduce him to your friends/family. Show him you want to take things a bit more seriously, if you do. He will either take your lead and go with it, or he won't. He could just be holding back because you did 'make such a song and dance of it' as you say.

I recognise all of that. But I'm worried that if I chuck him off it will just be because I traditionally make stupid choices and always going for emotionally cold and selfish men, not the nice ones who just want to tell me I'm wonderful.

But do you actually like him? Do you fancy him? Does the thought of him being with anybody but you make you really &?

You wouldn't be the first to be put off by somebody being 'too nice', but it's not impossible to move away from thinking that way.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but are you quite young still?

Agree with sticky, you don't sound that into him. Are you expecting that him "fighting" for you would awaken your love in some dramatic way? Onto a loser there, if so. I just don't think this happens.

FWIW I've been with my BF 6½ months. He has met all my family but I haven't met his (sadly he lost both of his parents when he was a kid and his DB and DSis live a long way away), and we've met each other's friends. We haven't discussed living together but we both have kids so that's a bit different from your situation. We siad the "L" word after about 2 months. For the first 5 months we saw a LOT of each other as BF wasn't working.

I think you are being a bit of a mare tbh. You've told him you want one thing. Now you've changed your mind. And you expect him to have guessed that wthout you telling him? You two need a chat I think

x-post, I don't think there's anything wrong with just not fancying someone. It doesn't sound like a good idea to force yourself to fancy someone because you feel they're the sort of person you should fancy.

You sound very out of touch with your actual emotions and like you do a lot of second guessing of yourself.

Regina, I like him (but I'm not in awe of him, which is what I normally look for), I definitely fancy him and I don't want him to be with anyone else. I'm not sure I can picture a future with him.

I'm 30. I'm guessing I can't claim immaturity anymore.

I'm worried that if I chuck him off it will just be because I traditionally make stupid choices

Bloody hell, OP. Sounds to me like you are completely ambivalent about this man, and are treating your relationship like some kind of intellectual task.

In answer to your original question, if a relationship isn't life-enhancing (especially in the 'honeymoon period') then it's not worth pursuing.

Set him free!

X-post OP. So you ARE into him?

Tell him so.

I feel quite exhausted, so god knows how he feels!