What should a relationship look like after six months?

[uturnifyouwantto]

I've been with my BF for about six months. I am 30, he is 34. Both of us have lived with partners in the past, but no marriage/kids.

When we met I made clear that I wasn't really looking for a relationship (recent break-up) and made a number of noises about needing space, independence etc.

But now I'm starting to become concerned that he's embraced this a little too much. Previously by this point relationships felt quite serious, meeting family etc.

I'm planning to buy a flat by myself. He's not asked anything about what this means for us etc. Is that weird?

I told him I didn't want to spend christmas (I have a new niece!) or new year's with him (when he asked) but he's not exactly pressed it and I do think it's a bit weird for a couple not to celebrate new year's together.

Neither of us have made any moves to introduce each other to our families. I haven't even introduced him to any of my friends.

I do think he's keen but I think he wants a girlfriend, not a partner. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to be another girlfriend. But am I being unreasonable because I did a big song and dance about needing my space and keeping it casual. Or does it just sound like he wants to keep it casual? I think I've lost track of what is normal at this stage.

Suummerplum I find it interesting and reassuring that that is your interpretation.

I think I'm looking for thunderbolts and immediate confirmation of whether I should be with him or not. Every other relationship, it felt fine to see what happened. Now I just feel like my biological clock is constantly ticking in the background telling me not to waste anytime on anyone.

OP for want of a better phrase - you need to chill out a bit .

Why can't you just be yourself, be honest with him about how you feel and completely forget about what you 'should' be doing or saying. Then see how it goes.

There are no guarantees. You know you like him atm. You may like him even more in another six months, you may not. As long as you are honest about it there's no problem.

I agree with summer about you sounding (in the nicest possible way!) a bit exhausting!

And btw - it sounds like you've been watching too many rom-coms and they're messing with your mind

Regina I am the least romantic person around!

But I would agree on the need to chill out. It's just hard when it feels like you've got a limited window.

You are looking for a baby daddy ? Then why on earth are you telling blokes you actually like you want a casual relationship ?

YOU ARE ONLY THIRTY!!!

(sorry for shouting but you needed that).

Mist I am not looking for a baby daddy (that is a horrible, woman-hating phrase), but I'm aware that I want children. Unless you're about to tell me that you're childless and in your mid-30s I don't think you can really comment.

And Regina, thank you!

Baby Daddy is woman-hating ? I wasn't aware of that, I apologise.

I think I can comment on your situation though. If you aware you want children, stop playing games with potential partners.

You're welcome. Have a and chill uturn!

Why don't you want to see him NYE? Don't be upset if he goes to a party instead will you?

And a new niece at Christmas- have you checked that you will be welcome Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day? New babies and all that.

Either tell him you have changed your mind and would love to see him, or don't be too upset when he meets someone else. You probably need to talk to him to see how you both feel- be honest, no second guessing, game playing crap.

Let's see:
When we met I made clear that I wasn't really looking for a relationship (recent break-up) and made a number of noises about needing space, independence etc.

OK, you need your space and independence.

But now I'm starting to become concerned that he's embraced this a little too much. Previously by this point relationships felt quite serious, meeting family etc.

But you have, of course, told him I wasn't really looking for a relationship

I'm planning to buy a flat by myself. He's not asked anything about what this means for us etc. Is that weird?

No, he believes you're not a weird game-playing psycho.

I told him I didn't want to spend christmas (I have a new niece!) or new year's with him (when he asked)

OK
I do think it's a bit weird for a couple not to celebrate new year's together.

Ah, so he's wrong. You are a weird game-playing psycho.

Neither of us have made any moves to introduce each other to our families. I haven't even introduced him to any of my friends.

See: I made clear that I wasn't really looking for a relationship

I do think he's keen but I think he wants a girlfriend, not a partner. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to be another girlfriend. But am I being unreasonable because I did a big song and dance about needing my space and keeping it casual. Or does it just sound like he wants to keep it casual? I think I've lost track of what is normal at this stage.

I think you are very odd, to be frank.
He sounds nice... and respectful.
You're a weird game-player who thinks he should do something you asked him not to do...

"Mate, run for the hills..."

You have lost track of what is normal.

Your average, typical, straightforward man is not a mind-reader. If you say something and it's not a problem for him, he'll tend to take it at face value and not think about it any more. If you told him you didn't want to see him at Christmas or New Year, he'll have assumed you meant you didn't want to see him then. Presumably he either is happy with this or respects your wishes and doesn't want to argue about it. I have been married for over twenty years, and it took me a long time to realise that a straightforward nice man does not play games. If something is a problem, say so. Assume he will take your statements at face value.

A few years after we were married, I thought I'd really like an eternity ring - lots of friends had been given them on the birth of children or early wedding anniversaries, etc, and I'd told my DH about some of them and he'd not really paid any attention. I wound myself up wanting him to intuitively realise that it was something I'd really like. He didn't. Jewellery is something that interests him about as much as football interests me. Then I said to him that I'd really like an eternity ring for Christmas and that it was really important to me, more or less in those words, and he bought me one almost at once. Since then I have found that straightforward communication beats subtext and mind reading every time.

The problem is, of course, that you have to be clear in your own mind first what you do want, which sounds as if it may be part of the problem. If you are not sure what you want, how should he know?

I would suggest you talk this through with someone you trust, perhaps a counsellor. Try and work out why you picked the wrong men in the past and what is holding you back now. From reading what you've written here you sound terribly confused and I have a lot of sympathy for that.

You sound afraid of being 30 too. That fear might be making you rush things before you've decided about this relationship. I found that leaving the anxious 20s behind was one of the best things to happen to me. You are quite probably in for a decade of much more fun and confidence but you are just seeing a ticking clock at the moment. You don't necessarily need a DP to have a kid so you need to tease apart your worries about relationships, children and getting older.

Take a moment out to think about life and you will find the courage to make sure that you are honest with your BF. The lad isn't psychic.

Since then I have found that straightforward communication beats subtext and mind reading every time.

A revelation - this actually works? I think my problem is partially I've had a couple of relationships with men who I've felt have really "got me" and seen through the bullshit. I equate that with a good relationship, even if they've then been incompatible with said bullshit.

Sisterofmercy I thimk your post is pretty much spot on in terms of the confusion, and yes anxiety, I'm feeling. I suspect you're right and I need to unpick all this with someone and stop hoping that a partner can do it.