Abusive ex just called - it's been 6 years FFS!

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

Just got woken up by abusive arsehole ex.

He called to say my son is his. I thought he'd dropped that years ago. It's a physical impossibility for my son to be his, unless I was pregnant for 11 months. He knows this but doesn't want to acknowledge it, it's his only way to keep his claws into me.

Aaaargh.

I left my hometown and lied about where I'd moved to to get away from him, made my facebook private and defriended anyone connected with him. But it's been a while so I've started to relax a bit. Just went and checked my Facebook settings and somehow "future posts" is now set to public so I've changed that (fucking Facebook).

This is a horrible feeling. I still haven't recovered from the damage that relationship did to me. If I never hear from him again it'll be too soon.

I am terrified of him having any kind of contact with my son. He's liable to say or do crazy stuff. I don't want him near my children, or DP, me or anyone I know.

You don't need to ask for an address if you report this. From what you've said, it sounds quite likely he'll be known to them anyway, but either way - not your problem.

I really do think you should get the police involved. This is 6 years down the line now, and he's not given up. So get help to make him. Any direct contact whatsoever from you will just fuel this.

Oops, hit post by accident. I was going to say, i'm wary of any contact, even through a solicitor as it's making my life and his tied again and I don't want to stoke the fire, I want it to go out, if that makes any sense.

I tried to leave him so many time and he'd use any excuse to get me to let him into my life again, he was so manipulative. Once he'd got me to let him in he'd act as if we were together again. It was exhausting. When I tried to get him to go he'd threaten to kill himself or beat up my friends.

My flat was so trashed (front door kicked in by the police looking for him, and later him too and "fixed" with a wooden board, a window smashed at the front too) that the postman stopped delivering mail as he thought it was an empty house.

I have a lovely life now with my wonderful DP and kids, I'm terrified of him poisoning it.

I'd also call Women's Aid for advice. Seriously, you shouldn't be panicking about living a normal life 6 years after jettisoning this loser. Ask for support/advice from them, and report his harassment to the police.

Good point perfectstorm, the police will know where he is. He's got a record, they know him. I hadn't thought of that.

Honestly, I think that helps you that he has. They'll take it a lot more seriously if he's got a record, especially for violence. Talk to Women's Aid and talk to the police - you're right that any involvement will just fuel this, so let the professionals paid to deal with nutjobs such as this do so, and get the support you absolutely deserve from WA.

You can ask Google to reindex pages (which should then pick up your changes) at www.google.com/webmasters/tools/submit-url. It doesn't mean that they'll necessarily do it immediately, but it should bump them up the "to be reindexed" list.

Useful advice here people thanks.

I'd be very surprised if he'd get it together to go via the courts. He's too dysfunctional. He lost his flat for the sake of a few hundred quid arrears. Last I heard of his circumstances, he was addicted to heavy drugs and squatting. That was about 3 or 4 years back. I have no idea if his circumstances have improved, but I doubt he'll be able to pull off a paternity test through the courts. Unless he meets someone as stupidly naive as I was when I met him, who'll help him do it. Or gets some kind of public agency to help him do it.

What i'm scared of is him turning up on my doorstep, which is more his style. If he knew where I live, I'd have to move or get him arrested to get rid of him. We love it here. DS is settled in school. DP wouldn't want to move.

Spoke to Women's Aid. They agreed he's using this as a way to try to control me. They said he can force a paternity test through the courts if he wants to. They gave me a load of numbers where I can get support of one kind or another.

Not sure if I should call the police or not.

It would be a bad idea to agree to a paternity test being carried out because it would simply send a clear signal to the ex of yes, you can still make me do things, you still do have some influence over my life. But then I'm sure the OP has no intention of going down this route anyway.

There must be some limits to forcing a paternity test though. Men can't just approach any woman with a child and demand a test is carried out...

Sorry you're going through this OP. It's all about control. I think it's worth contacting the police, they can sort you out with panic buttons etc which might make you feel safer about the prospect of him turning up.

I think he's legally entitled to it? But I'm not going to help him do it in any way. You're right, it's all about him having influence over my life. If he presents me with a court order I'll comply, but until then I'm not facilitating this.

Ok this is probably stupid, but I don't want to trouble DP with this unduly. He's working away a lot the moment. It's a great job in an industry where new jobs are like hen's teeth, and one which should lead to a great career for him. But he's not enjoying being away from us and this weekend was saying he's considered giving it up, which would be a massive shame as he's spent years working towards this (although he didn't anticipate it would take him away from us). To be honest I do feel more vulnerable with DP away, but I don't want to burden him with this too.

report this to the police as what you expect to be his first volley in a sustained pattern of harassment (based on his previous form). then it is at least logged. tell them that you want to be sure they will come quickly if called to your address (they have lists for this).

Then ignore him. If he contacts you again, report to police. If he keeps doing it, it is harassment. The police will have words with him. If he shows up - just call the police (because simply turning up when you have told him not to and that he is harassing you counts as harassment).

To the extent he contacts you - report to the police. Otherwise, ignore.

I am still terrified of my ex even 15 years later. he lives on the other side of the world and I still think I will find him on my doorstep one day...

I actually believe that keeping yourself informed about his whereabouts and what he is doing is useful.If he is local to you - you need to know.

Don't contact his friends of family, but look him up and see what you can find out. if you can see he still lives far away, you might feel peace of mind. I am reassured to know my ex is still right where I left him.

whatdoesittake I'm sorry you've had the misfortune of having someone abusive in your life too

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to keep informed.

I'm not sure my ex has any kind of online presence though. Last I knew of his circumstances he was an unemployed drug addict with no permanent address (what a catch, eh). He's not on Facebook AFAIK.

Go to the police.

His ex had to leave her hometown to get away from him, and she really did have a baby by him.

I can't believe I managed to get out of the relationship without being tied to him by having a baby, as his two previous exes are, but he's still going on at me about my child, FFS.

I wish I'd never met him, or had some kind of common sense. I need to teach my kids to protect themselves from people like this. What a waste of 5 years of my life, and it's still continuing to affect me. I've been away from him longer than I was with him, and he's still on at me. I need to stop responding at all I think. He did give up on his ex AFAIK. She moved away, he has no idea where.

You are giving him a power he doesnt have.

You say that you may have to move and upset your DP and DC. No you dont.

He has to stop and the police can make him stop. You seem to be frightened to contact them, but the fact is that it is their job to do this and as he is ignoring you, that is the best route to take. Get this latest contact logged and see what they say. If it carries on then push for further action.

Remember, he has no influence over your life, cant force you to do anything and is of no consequence to you.

He has no power over you. He gets that, but is banking on the fact that you dont seem to realise it.

Report him to the police please.

There was another report on the BBC about stalking and harassment only yesterday. Too many women have had to curtail their own freedom or have lost their lives because if stalking ex-s.

Please protect yourself, if not for yourself, for your DCs.

Agree with FrequentFlyer and disagree with anybody who says this isn't a crime.

CPS link

Please - I beg you - do report this to the police, log everything. Silence is the friend of the abuser.

Also, take some sensible precautions (the suggestion about letting school know is excellent). Don't scare the kids, but this might be a good time to talk Stranger Danger in general. Agree a password, lest anybody try the "[your name] says you have to come home and I'm to collect you". Get some IRL support - what's your Mumsnet local like?

Stay strong.

advice on the internet front. I have a different online name for facebook and twitter and blogging - it isn't my real name, I do this because I had a creepy client at work who knew where I lived some years back. Also I work in a place where they want to know the inside of your arse and regularly facebook check each others going ons.

I also sign petitions with a different surname - its not like amnesty international are going to cross reference the voting register and it keeps my online anonymity.

Don't contact him. Don't get a paternity test. Don't respond to him.

Call the police and file a complaint and mention his track record.

Anyone living a normal life these days leaves a digital footprint. You shouldn't have to worry about it.

I doubt that he will turn up on your doorstep, to be honest. It sounds like he is just trying to get a response out of you, as in the old days. He's probably looking for cash and will move on to the next dupe as soon as he doesn't hear from you.

And of course, don't you even think of moving. You have a good life. Why should you change it because of this loser? (I would understand in case of a seriously dangerous person, but in this case he sounds like basically a pathetic fuckwit).

The reply you sent is spot on. Keep all texts/calls you receive.

And maybe pick a random town and start joining its for sale boards and signing petitions for its library and so on ;)