How can I 'cure' my low self esteem?

[redhappy]

All my life it's held me back, even when I'm feeling good, and enjoying good friendships etc. There's always a block, a glass ceiling basically. Where I just can't go any further, even if I don't realise that's what I'm feeling. It's only after much thought and soul searching that I realise I can't do something because I'm scared.

It's happened over and over throughout my life. I suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks, ending up with agrophobia in my early twenties. It took a couple of years out of my life. Eventually I got stronger again and I went to university. I loved my course and was expected to get a first, but I got pregnant in my final year.

Fast forward to now, I'm single, in my 30s, 2 kids. My eldest has special needs and although not severe (however not especially mild either) it affects every area of our life. He's at a special school, which means no after school club, I can't use other childcare for him as he finds it too stressful. My poor dd has no life because we always have ds with us and there's lots we can't do. She is missing out on normal stuff like going to the park after school. Nobody ever invites her to play after school and I feel so bad for her. She is fantastic, friendly lovely child, so I think it must be me, or maybe they feel uncomfortable about ds.

I'm trying so hard to do the right things, and I just have no idea what they are! I have gone NC with all my family except my dad. It was a good decision, it's been 12 months now, and I feel so much more at peace.

I'm just rambling now. Trying to give a full picture and not drip feed, but my head's such a muddle. I need to be the grownup and take care of the family, but I just feel so lost and I need to someone to tell me what to do. I feel like I'm constantly making bad decisions, and I have no one to ask so it just rattles around in my head all day until I feel dreadful about what a shit life I'm giving my dd.

Red as a fellow sufferer I feel your pain. However have a look at your life and recognise how much you have achieved - you have fought anxiety and won, that is amazing - really truly amazing. You have two amazing kids and it sounds like you are doing a great job - the choices you make were the best for you and your family at the time - so take confidence from that.... and you have recognised the need to no NC with members of your family - such a strong and brave thing to do.

You sound resilient and determined to me - great qualities for a mum to have.

Thankyou PIE such kind words. I have written out Resilient and Determined on a peice of paper and put it in my car so I see it everyday. Thankyou.

It's strange to hear someone else saying I've come so far. I just see how far away I am from where I want to be, from who I want to be.

Sounds familiar. I guess it hinges on knowing why.

For me it's a case of not feeling worthy and being to scared to try because I fail

So I had to learn to put what my nearest and dearest wanted for me first and realising that by not valuing myself, I was hurting them. They always looked at me and wanted me to want more for myself.

The second came with realising that if I don't try I end up with less than if I had tried and made done progress. More than that though, I hate feeling anxiety, and anxiety and excitement give a similar rush which I mix up. It's not easy and I muddle through.

The key thing for me is FAKING IT. I don't have to feel it I just need to go through the motions and then over time my comfort zone has expanded and I feel differently.

Good luck x

Who do you want to be?

Joysmum yes I agree about faking it. Socially I am a lot more comfortable than I used to be. I think I'm at a point now where I accept myself, but I don't believe others do. I suppose what hurts is that I have no 'nearest and dearest' it's just me and two young children.

CailinDana that is a very hard question! I know the answer if I let myself think about it, but it hurts so I probably avoid it a lot of the time.

Ok, deep breath. I don't want to be alone any more, I want to be someone who has friends and family around me. I want to be in a committed relationship- and not just with anyone! With someone who actually likes me! An equal relationship, where we both look after each other. I want to work. I want to work really hard at something I'm passionate about and good at, and be successful at it. At the same time I want to meet my kids needs and be there for them. There isn't anyone else who can do that. It just sounds like I'm being dramatic when I say that outloud. But it's true, friends are busy with their own lives, and families and jobs etc, and family.

I still want to be beautiful, but I'm getting older, face is changing. I can't stop eating because I'm lonely and I'm getting fat.

I know I've always been harsh on myself, been desperate to be a high achiever, but gone the opposite way and I think when I was younger I always sabotaged the things I really wanted. Now I just feel trapped. The things I want are so far away. It probably is possible to get there, but my head feels so overwhelmed I feel like I can't see or think straight. I make decisions but then feel paralysed by the anxiety afterwards and just go round and round in my head. I've made some big changes for dd this week. What if they're the wrong ones? And if I change them now I'll have messed things up for her even more!

I want to be a good mum, that's it. I don't want her to feel like I did growing up.

If you had all those things, in what way would your life be better?

I wouldn't be lonely. I'd feel like I'd done a good job for my kids if they were happy, if they had better lives and I could give them everything they needed. I don't mean material stuff. They've got enough clothes, toys to play with, we eat healthy food. But I'd love to have a nice house for them with a decent garden, and friends. We need more friends.

I understand what your questions are doing. But your last one made me angry! Not at you. But my reaction was why shouldn't I want those things? That's what everyone else has!

Can you explain a bit more why the question made you angry?

Feeling like I had to justify what I was saying, like I don't know my own mind, and what I need to do in my own life.

Do you feel it should be obvious why you want those things?

OP I identify with so much of what you've said about your past life, and also your 'deep breath' statement about what you want now - its what most of us want, I think - certainly what I want.

When my DCs were growing up I wasted a lot of precious time focussing on being lonely due to lack of friends and imagined everyone else's life, and their DCs lives, were so much better because they had friends and were popular.

How about focusing on some small areas like doing a nice thing each day with DD - make some cakes with her? Show her how to make hot chocolate? Read her a story? Its not all about going to friends houses for tea. Just give her your time, and its okay if DS shares that time sometimes - brothers and sisters do have to share their DM some of the time.

Stop beating yourself up; you are clearly an intelligent woman who has achieved a great deal.

I don't know. I suppose so. Aren't these normal things for human beings to want? Not everybody has to want that life but it is more unusual not to. Can I ask, are you a counsellor? These feel like skilled questions you're asking!

I should add that years later I realise that most of those idyllic lives I used to observe weren't, in retrospect, that great and now things like popularity don't seem to matter.

Despite my being lonely etc and not feeling that I was a great Mum my kids have turned out brilliantly. But I really wish I'd done more of the small, attention giving stuff with them.

Not a counsellor by profession no but I used to work on a phone helpline and I have a background in psychology. I've also had counselling and I know how effective (and difficult) it can be to examine your thinking.

OP, at least it seems from your posts as if you know what you want in your life, you now just have to work on how to get those things.

Easier said than done I suppose, but knowing what you want is a good start. Also, if your head is a bit of a muddle then it might help to write down what you want for you and your children, not just here on Mumsnet, but sort it out on paper so that you can focus on not keep thinking the same stuff over and over.

Very true twodays about others lives. I do have lots of friends, and I appreciate them. What I'm struggling with is loneliness as everyone's busy with theirs own lives and responsibilities.

Most of my married friends are miserable actually. I'm grateful that I don't have to live my life with someone who's horrible to me anymore, that I can make sure the kids needs are met without their father constantly obstructing that. That's how it was in the past, and how I see many of my friends living now.

Reading through what I've written maybe I'm missing having a mum? Someone to talk things through with, provide some guidance.

I'm sure you were a lovely mum when your dcs were growing up. twodays. How do you feel about your life now?

Me and dd get 2 hours a day alone together in the car, so we talk, sing along to her favourite cds (we're not 'allowed' to sing when ds is in the car!). On Friday she was making up stories about how the world began, then I was giving her different topics eg. cows, trees and she would make a story about where they came from or how they were made. Just silly things, we do spend time together alone. I just see all the things she's missing out on, she's a fantastic dancer but ds makes it impossible to take her to lessons for practical reasons. Argh it's guilt isn't it?! I do try and tell myself all mothers feel guilty over something!!

Yes MadeMan, I'm always advising others to write things down. I'm wondering why I haven't done it myself?

Writing things here is helping. I've wanted to for a while but been scared in case anyone in RL recognises me. I think some of the details of my life are quite specific.

Thinking about writing things down...it feels terrifying. If I write down this list of what my life should be, that I can't complete, then what's the point?! I'm just stuck at home waiting for the kids to grow up, not knowing if ds is probably going to be living at home all his life anyway.

Oh god I sound like such a whinger! I'm trying to be positive, sorry, I just get overwhelmed by negatives and they seem to take over and my brain wont hear anything else.

Don't censor yourself. You need to be honest with yourself about how you feel otherwise those feelings won't get addressed and they'll always lurk in the background.
Do you feel you deserve happiness?

You and your daughter sound lovely!

I feel guilty too. Mine is I can't drive and we live in a really rural area (exh's choice and I am stuck here), so ds misses out on loads of parties, bonfire night, special stuff on at nursery/school etc. I'm trying to learn but self estem, anxiety is really holding me back.

Can you pick one thing you want to do for dd, eg the dancing and do anything to make it happen even once a month, beg favours, bribe ds etc. Then when you are feeling guilty she can't do another thing, remind your self how hard you have worked to make the dancing happen.

Difficult to answer. I believe everyone deserves to be happy. Breaks my heart to hear of others misery, but if I'm honest I've never been able to see a happy ending for me. I really can't see I'll happy a 'forever' relationship, I may have other long term relationships in my life, I'm sure I will actually. But I don't expect them to last. I know I'll never get married for example.

Thanks SomePeople. Can I turn your own advice back on you, and say make the driving happen, somehow! I was in exactly the same position as you this time last year. I passed my test in June! That is one thing I'll always be so proud of, I did it totally by myself (Well, no, I had the help of an instructor, and I saved up to buy a really cheap old car and practised in that every weekend with my dad).

The dcs missed out on sooo much before I could drive. I feel like we're still playing 'catch-up' on life experiences.

Didn't say everything I meant to there. I was absolutely terrified of driving. I was starting to get anxious and panicky walking down the road looking at cars. I just took it very slowly. Before I started lessons, I just sat in my dad's car and practised turning the car on and then off again. That was it! Then the next week going backwards and forwards in an empty car. Just promise yourself it will happen, even if it takes 10 years, it's worth it.

*empty car park

I'd rather not say on here Back2Two, and for some reason it wont let me message you. I don't think anything happens here for siblings until they are 8 (insurance purposes etc) and dd is 5.