How can I 'cure' my low self esteem?

[redhappy]

All my life it's held me back, even when I'm feeling good, and enjoying good friendships etc. There's always a block, a glass ceiling basically. Where I just can't go any further, even if I don't realise that's what I'm feeling. It's only after much thought and soul searching that I realise I can't do something because I'm scared.

It's happened over and over throughout my life. I suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks, ending up with agrophobia in my early twenties. It took a couple of years out of my life. Eventually I got stronger again and I went to university. I loved my course and was expected to get a first, but I got pregnant in my final year.

Fast forward to now, I'm single, in my 30s, 2 kids. My eldest has special needs and although not severe (however not especially mild either) it affects every area of our life. He's at a special school, which means no after school club, I can't use other childcare for him as he finds it too stressful. My poor dd has no life because we always have ds with us and there's lots we can't do. She is missing out on normal stuff like going to the park after school. Nobody ever invites her to play after school and I feel so bad for her. She is fantastic, friendly lovely child, so I think it must be me, or maybe they feel uncomfortable about ds.

I'm trying so hard to do the right things, and I just have no idea what they are! I have gone NC with all my family except my dad. It was a good decision, it's been 12 months now, and I feel so much more at peace.

I'm just rambling now. Trying to give a full picture and not drip feed, but my head's such a muddle. I need to be the grownup and take care of the family, but I just feel so lost and I need to someone to tell me what to do. I feel like I'm constantly making bad decisions, and I have no one to ask so it just rattles around in my head all day until I feel dreadful about what a shit life I'm giving my dd.

Oh, I didn't answer your question. Yes, I suppose I do consider myself a carer. Certainly in official terms. Ds receives dla, and I receive carers allowance.

You say you can't see a happy ending. That implies to me that you believe that for some people there's a point at which all their worries end and they experience happiness from there on. Is that the case? Do you believe there are people in the world who have no worries?

Not an ending, and definitely not 'no worries', but people reach a point when their life becomes settled. For many it's around 30, but everyone's different. For most it's when they have children and meet a partner (again, not for everyone, for someone it might just be finding the place in the world they want to live, or a career they really want).

After the flux of early adulthood, trying things out, most people want to work on their life and what they've got. So their relationship might not perfect 100% of the time, but they are with someone they love, they make plans together, to have a baby, to go on holiday, even just somewhere new to go for a walk! There's a sense of belonging to something, even if it's not family in a traditional sense.

I don't see myself reaching that point. But I can't accept that this is the settled part of my life! I hate it! And feel very powerless to change it. So I guess I'm in a certain amount of turmoil. Because this is my life.

I feel like I keep going on about it, but I just feel very alone. I know the answer is to try and make those changes, but how? I'm already doing everything I can, there are limits on what is possible due to circumstances, so this is what I'm stuck with.

Do you know people who have that settled sort of life?

Yes

What is it about them that allows them to have that sort of life, while you don't?

I don't know. But I'd be very open to hearing answers from other people?

I'm finding the questions difficult, it feels like I'm wrong to complain about anything. Other people obviously don't have perfect lives, so I should stop complaining.

Whose voice is it telling you to stop complaining?Mine? Yours? Someone else's?

Yours. I don't want to be rude, and I'm not saying that's what you're doing. But I don't have the answers to your questions, I'm just going round in circles

I don't find that rude at all. Would you rather I stopped asking?

I think so. It feels like you don't believe me.

Yes Cailin; I have to say that your questions are certainly helpful on one level and in my experience often used in a counselling setting, but I think in this case the op may be asking for something different (sorry if I've misjudged that though!).

Red, what you are experiencing sounds perfectly normal considering the situation and the pressures on you. I have to say you sound like an excellent mum and I'm sure both DC are lucky to have you. I don't have a magic wand to make the (perfectly reasonable) wants of yours materialise, but what I would say is that you will be in a better position to move towards feeling happy and more settled when you let go of the feelings of guilt and sense of failing. You most definitely are not failing.

To do that, you need to work intensively on yourself whether it's auto-suggestion or getting some counselling or whatever. Anything that makes you 'ease up' on yourself and makes you lose the 'powerless' feeling.

Solid self esteem (when it is previously fragile) can take a long time to build. I had none. Literally nada, zilch for many years but for me losing 'toxic' family members and accepting my faults was the key.
To improve your confidence talk to people when you're out that you wouldn't normally do, try an notice things about your surroundings you may have previously missed, think of a new hobby you can do that is practical (given your circumstances). The thing is it's often the tiny little things, like little tricks in your mind that can alter your mood and outlook. I'm not saying it'll bring all the thins you want, but it sounds like you need to identify with who you are a little bit (again, sorry if I got that wrong; limited experience in psychology, but lots of experience feeling crappy!!).
x

Sorry for the typos, bloody phone!!

I definitely believe you, there's no reason not to. Good luck :)