Feeling sad...Have we just lost the spark or is this curable ?

[danny444]

Its been a beautiful relationship,but the spark that was initially there seems to have been lost. Can someone's past really have a strong influence on their present and future relationships ? After asking her about her past, I just got depressed with all things that she has done with other men. I seem to suffer from retroactive jealousy and just can't seem to get over her past. Without going into details and making this post long, I think I have kinda lost respect for her for FWB and other things that she has done casually. I only have done 5% of stuff she has done and maybe this is creating a problem or maybe hurting my ego or pride (unfortunately I have to accept it).

Can retroactive jealousy really be overcomed ?
Why do I feel inferior when it comes to physical compatibility ? The answer maybe her wild experiences before but the mental images kill me. It also crops when I get intimate with her. ALmost after every session, I tend to get depressed.
All she has to say is "I can't do anything about it. Get over it"

The thing is she is the perfect girl every guy will desire and she has been honest with me totally (I really really appreciate this). But,maybe she revealing too many details has killed me inside. Its been 7 months and I am unable to get over this. There's a day when I wake up and feel "fk the past man,she is with me today and she is the perfect girl I desire" and there is another day when I feel pathetic and deeply hurt and find it difficult to sleep.This has to do with my conservative upbringing as well.

I know I only have 2 choices :

1. Stay with her. The difficult things are : her glorious past,mental images,her immature behaviour at times, our differences in personality (she is way too outgoing and I am way too reserved). Her idea of spending good time- hit the disc,booze and have some fun. I am the complete opposite. Sex for her is fun,whereas for me it is making love.

2. Move on. This is also difficult considering our emotional involvement and its easy to say there are a lot of fishes in the sea,but in a way we do feel we compliment each other. I sometimes think a lot of this coz if I can't see the beautiful soul and will just be judgemental,then maybe she deserves someone who will appreciate her.

I stick to option 1,then feel like going with option 2. Then when we both find it difficult,we stick with option 1 and the cycle continues....

Your GFs past has made her into the person she is today and the person you care for. Before you ask a question, you need to be ready for an answer you may not like to hear. Would your life be richer or poorer without your GF in it?

Let go of her past and your past, that is in the past and it is finished. Go forward together into the future......

From your post, you are extremely physically attracted to your gf. But are you actually compatible? You don't describe any positive characteristics other than in relation to yourself. Let her go and find someone you actually like.

As for calling her immature after describing your 'retroactive jealousy' - have a think about that.

Hmm you both sound pretty immature to me tbh. IMO I would end it now and find someone who actually wanted a serious relationship. Oh and don't ask about past sexual adventures, it's none of your business anyway!

You sound a bit controlling TBH.

I always say the sexlife of two people should remain between those two people. Past lives have absolutely nothing to do with present partners, they shouldnt be discussed, dissected, chewed over - they are private.

I don't think you sound very compatible sorry.

Your obsession with her past is unhealthy. You shouldn't have asked, she shouldn't have told.

If you won't let it go, then you're in for a hideous, miserable time together.

I wouldn't spend any time with someone who had 'lost respect' for me.

I don't think you sound compatible either, sorry.

You say you are complete opposites, she seems to offend & upset you in every possible way and yet you say she's the 'perfect girl I desire'. She isn't perfect and yet you're putting her on a pedestal and judging her against impossible attributes. Like anyone else who has gone out and lived a little, she's a flawed, fun-loving and normal woman. You either love someone for exactly who they are... warts and all... or you walk away. You don't get together with a butterfly and then demand they turn back into a caterpillar just because you can't deal with it. You are already eaten up with resentment and, after just 7 months, that's not healthy.

I dont want to roast you, because you dont sound like a bad guy...but this attitude toward your partner's sexual past is YOUR issue, not hers. You have to deal with your own insecurities. Its unfair to project them on to her. She is a grown woman. She has a past. The mature way to proceed is to accept that and enjoy her NOW. If you are unable to do that, seek help.

@ chottie...Without my gf,of course my life would be temporarily poor,but who knows in the long run, I might find a more better match or maybe disappoint myself with even a worse match...

@ dembaba... I know I am not a bad guy but I don't understand this chick has probably brought out the monstrous side of me when it comes to her past and outgoing nature. But,again she has also been very kind and supportive to my dreams and ambitions as well...

This chick?!

She's not perfect incidentally, she's a human being.

And brought out the monstrous side of you? What's that mean?

ugh

this is not about her, its about you

you need to either deal with your feelings or move on

it doesn't sound like you felt like this jealous about previous girlfriends? what is it about this one that makes you feel this way?

and also agree with others, NO ONE is perfect and we all have a past

All those men before, all the wild things she did and prob still could do..... But she's chosen you above all that and above anyone else. Focus on the positive.

I really hope your girlfriend runs for hills. I had an ex like this, notice the word ex, started of with jealousy then controlling and bullying behaviour. I was young and thought he would change, took all my courage and strength to leave him after too many years of the belittling and destroying of my confidence. Horrible time in my life. Let her go op, you are not the man for her. She should be with someone who loves her for who she is.

End it. You are unable to accept who your GF is. Next time: don't ask about past relationships.

Good luck.

You don't actually like her very much, do you?

I don't really understand the basis of your objection to other men having had sex with her, given that you are a man who is having sex with her. If you think it's so wrong, why are you doing it?

If you have a 'monstrous side' and refer to women as 'chicks' then I think you should do the gene-pool and womankind a huge favour and opt out for a while

If you don't respect her then its over. I'd be absolutely furious with someone who allowed me to take my clothes off and shag them as much as they wanted whilst secretly they thought I was a slapper.

Jog along and find someone who doesn't like sex or someone very young or someone very inexperienced.

Have you considered counselling to overcome your self esteem issues? You are in danger of turning into the sort of man that women rightly run a mile from; controlling and possesive this often leads to domestic violence. You sound like a decent person so dont go there.

Fwiw I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of guys ive slept with. That doesnt make me abad person it made me someone who was looking for love and got used by men just wanting sex. You are better than that. I have been with dp for 22 years he knows ive had alot of sexual partners we don't discuss it and I have never slept with anyone else since I met him . Maybe your gf deserves someone like you who will love her for her and not use her. She cant change her past. Please dont make her feel ashamed. YOU have to get past this if you can't do the decent thing and let her go.

"This has to do with my conservative upbringing as well."

Does conservative = religious?

Your GF must be wondering how she ended up with a jealous, insecure, borderline-controlling slut shamer. Guilt trips over stuff which she can't change and which aren't anything to feel guilty over in the first place, just cos you want an ego stroke, must be awful for her.

You sound very tied to her physically but not in other ways. I think you will find other people to whom you feel such a physical attraction but it will be combined with a higher degree of overall compatibility. This tormented longing you feel will probably not go away and will make you in to a person you don't really want to be. But you probably can't walk away either - it'll take time. You are not unreasonable to feel it either, a lot of people only mention their past very discretely and on a need to know basis for this reason.

Good god. Do the poor girl and favour and leave her alone.

If you can't cope with her past, if you feel jealous about things that she did before she even knew of your existence on the planet and if all of this has made you judge her and 'lose respect' for her then believe me, mate, this is not a relationship that can be saved.

Am also very interested to know what you mean by your 'monstrous side'?

I think people are being pretty harsh here. The OP is laying it all on the line and being honest, harping about male stereotypes is crazy.

Reading between the lines it sounds like you aren't compatible on a few levels but what sums it up for me is when you say you "make love" and she doesn't. This might be your fears or it might be a representation of your relationship.
I do think that you have summed up that you aren't compatible though.

I can understand it's difficult to move past this but if you want to the you need to accept that everyone has a sexual side and they have every right to explore it. It doesn't make them a bad person and it's credible that she's been honest with you. It shows she respects you. You need to respect her too. If you can't, you need to move on.

'Retroactive jealousy' 'lost respect' 'monstrous' 'physical inferiority' - these are not signs of a good relationship.

I recommend splitting up and doing some work on yourself.