Feeling sad...Have we just lost the spark or is this curable ?

[danny444]

Its been a beautiful relationship,but the spark that was initially there seems to have been lost. Can someone's past really have a strong influence on their present and future relationships ? After asking her about her past, I just got depressed with all things that she has done with other men. I seem to suffer from retroactive jealousy and just can't seem to get over her past. Without going into details and making this post long, I think I have kinda lost respect for her for FWB and other things that she has done casually. I only have done 5% of stuff she has done and maybe this is creating a problem or maybe hurting my ego or pride (unfortunately I have to accept it).

Can retroactive jealousy really be overcomed ?
Why do I feel inferior when it comes to physical compatibility ? The answer maybe her wild experiences before but the mental images kill me. It also crops when I get intimate with her. ALmost after every session, I tend to get depressed.
All she has to say is "I can't do anything about it. Get over it"

The thing is she is the perfect girl every guy will desire and she has been honest with me totally (I really really appreciate this). But,maybe she revealing too many details has killed me inside. Its been 7 months and I am unable to get over this. There's a day when I wake up and feel "fk the past man,she is with me today and she is the perfect girl I desire" and there is another day when I feel pathetic and deeply hurt and find it difficult to sleep.This has to do with my conservative upbringing as well.

I know I only have 2 choices :

1. Stay with her. The difficult things are : her glorious past,mental images,her immature behaviour at times, our differences in personality (she is way too outgoing and I am way too reserved). Her idea of spending good time- hit the disc,booze and have some fun. I am the complete opposite. Sex for her is fun,whereas for me it is making love.

2. Move on. This is also difficult considering our emotional involvement and its easy to say there are a lot of fishes in the sea,but in a way we do feel we compliment each other. I sometimes think a lot of this coz if I can't see the beautiful soul and will just be judgemental,then maybe she deserves someone who will appreciate her.

I stick to option 1,then feel like going with option 2. Then when we both find it difficult,we stick with option 1 and the cycle continues....

It sounds like you enjoy the physical relationship but have an expectation that she should have a limited sexual history. In short, you want a nun with the sexual prowess of a porn star, these mythical creatures don't exist. You're not compatible and I strongly suggest that you work on yourself and figure out the root of your unrealistic expectations because It isn't fair to expose this woman to your issues. She has a past, get over it or move on.

I feel like someday I'm going to end up in a similar situation to your girlfriend, so I wanted to respond haha

There is so much more to a person than their sexual history. I've done a lot of things with guys and had casual sexual experiences. Right now, though, I want to settle down and find a good man. So just because she's done some crazy things doesn't mean that she will make a bad girlfriend or wife.

You describe her as the "perfect girl every guy will desire", so try thinking about her good qualities. What makes her the perfect girl to you? Those are the things you need to focus on and not things that she has done in the past.

OP**
Thank you all for your replies.

I am really in a very mixed state of mind. I am nowhere a guy who will go on the wrong track of domestic violence and shit...I really respect women,but I can't figure out whats wrong with me.

My last gf was very happy with me. The current one is really an amazing girl. She is creative,loving,caring etc.etc. Her past physical experiences have really created inferiority complex for me.I also know sex is not the only thing in a relationship. But,imagine when your gf initiates different things in the bed with confidence. For someone who's had only 1 partner, and his gf telling him about her past experiences with details, it can drive anyone crazy. The difference lies wherein I think that a women should really respect her body,but when she's done a lot of stuff casually; I find it difficult to digest this.

I know we both can walk off with our head held high, but I also think I am otherwise letting a good girl go because of my own insecurities and stupidity. Here are the negative things (all from my side) :

Retroactive jealousy
Opposites in nature
Physical inferiority complex
Her wild past and oversocialising nature
Her tendency to lie and her quarrelsome nature

My only questions is : Are all of these things really conquerable and something that can be achieved ? Is the mental strain and hardwork even worth it ?

She is like we have feelings for each other and that is enough for any relationship. " Love can conquer all"....and stuff. Practically though, I find it difficult. Let alone a single element like retroactive jealousy in itself is perhaps one of the most disturbing things.

Initially you said you asked her about her past which was clearly a mistake. If you're still asking her, stop it - it's not doing you any good. If, as part of of the lying and 'quarrelsome nature' (do you mean 'bad tempered'?) she has realised you're uncomfortable with her talking about past lovers and is carrying on doing so, tell her to stop it - it's inconsiderate.

If it's only been seven months and you're already feeling jealous, inferior, insecure and inadequate etc then I think you chalk this 'good girl' up to experience. Love does not conquer all. Raw attraction against your better judgement is not love. What you're describing does not sound like love.

.

I really respect women,but I can't figure out whats wrong with me.

I think you like women who you deem to be respectable, it doesn't tally up with really respecting women.

I don't think this is the relationship for you

Danny I wish this gf, who you have no respect for, would dump you.

Her past drives you crazy. The way she has sex drives you crazy. This relationship is going nowhere.

I suffer from retroactive jealousy. Luckily I learnt that there's no point asking someone too much about their past unless I want to hurt myself or others. (Even luckier, I learnt this about 20). I can't understand why you know so much about her unless you've quizzed her (how many, what did you do with him, and him??) or she's gone into too much detail. Neither is healthy is it? (And my guess is you're the one who's picked the scab).

You don't sound very compatible. It doesn't sound like you respect or like her much, although she clearly has some qualities that you like.