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Original poster

How to live with a liar?

32 replies

Madethebedx · 23/11/2013 21:32

Hi folks, first post here.
So, a little about me. I am living with my dp and done for nearly 3 years. We have a baby together. In alot of ways dp and I have a good stable enough relationship considering all the sh*te we have been through together (whole other story). He is really good to me and tbh it's like he tries to please me all the time, but now to the extent he is lying to me about things and I mean blatantly lying and on one occasion to the extent that he swore on our babies life which when I found out he lied I was shocked and disgusted that he brought our child into it. I found out by his friend that he lied about this particular thing. I was on the verge of leaving him but I want the best for our baby and he promised he would never lie again.

Around 4 weeks goes by and he lied again. And I knew he was lying, He told me he was annoyed at me for not believing him etc trying to turn it round so I was the bad one. I really don't know what to do for the best, I feel I can't trust him, I'm unhappy and can't look at him the same but I want our dc to grow up with both parents and have a happy upbringing. He's an amazing dad and never treated me badly but I can't trust him?

Anyone else out there that lives with a liar and how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
FriendlyLadybird · 23/11/2013 21:44

If you can't trust him, it's going to be pretty difficult to support any kind of relationship, isn't it?

Do you know why he lies?

My DH used to lie -- a habit he'd got into during his childhood, which was abusive. He had therapy, and he doesn't lie any more. If that had not happened, then I wouldn't still be with him.

I think the only way you can deal with it is by confronting it and forcing him to confront it. I don't think it's a great idea to bring your children up to think it's normal or acceptable that Daddy is not 100% truthful.

Mealiepudding · 23/11/2013 21:47

I can recommend this book.

I bought it years ago and found it helpful (I gave it away when ex & I separated otherwise I could have sent it to you, sorry).

pictish · 23/11/2013 21:47

Hmm...I think once a liar, always a liar. You can never take them at face value ever again.
It's not for me!

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 23/11/2013 21:53

You want the best for your baby ?

Get rid of the liar

Morrigu · 23/11/2013 21:53

I couldn't and I broke up with him.

It wasn't even the bigger lies that annoyed me so much as I could put that down to being insecure or something, it was the constant stupid little lies for no apparent reason.

Original poster
Madethebedx · 23/11/2013 21:59

Thank you for your replies.

Friendlyladybird : I totally agree, it's the last thing I want for my child and that's what makes it soo difficult because it's really only the lies that are the threat to us having a happy relationship. I sometimes blame myself that he feels the need to lie to me, I wonder if I give him such a hard time that he just feels he has to lie? The worst thing about it is he knows how I feel about it. When I ask him why he felt the need to lie, he tells me he doesn't know and shakes his head as if it's all my fault.

Mealie : thanks, I will definitely consider buying that. :)

Xx

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 23/11/2013 22:01

We have had a new addition to our workforce (well, 17 months actually now I come to think about it) and she lies a lot and I am finding this ongoing problem much harder to deal with than I thought I would. She openly lies to your face, confabulates, re-writes history and if she is pulled up on it she just says things like 'That's not how I saw it' or 'We differ in our point of view' and other shallow BS answers. It is a difficult problem to get a handle on is all I'm saying. She MUST know she's doing it. The OPs DP must know they are doing it. It drives me crackers as it leaves you no where to go! I think an ultimatum may be needed Madethebed.

Original poster
Madethebedx · 23/11/2013 22:01

Thank you everyone but what if it's because of me that he lies? Should I consider relationship counselling? X

OP posts:
muddylettuce · 23/11/2013 22:03

My ExH was a compulsive liar borne put of his eagerness to please. He wasn't malicious in nature at all. However it annoyed the bejesus out of me. For instance say we were travelling to see friends, they'd call to see how far away we were, he'd say 10 minutes even though we would be half an hour away and I'd told him so. Used to drive me nuts. JUST TELL THE TRUTH! I actually don't know how I'd cope if we were still together, I might have killed him by now... I don't know what your DP is lying about, all I can say is if it is malicious in nature than you won't be able to trust him and that is an obvious flaw in a relationship. If it's little white lies its annoying as he'll but potentially a habit he might be able to kick?!

muddylettuce · 23/11/2013 22:04

*Hell. Gah.

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 23/11/2013 22:05

You can't.

You will grow to loathe him.

You will lose all respect for him.

He will teach your children that it's ok to lie. Which they will likely then model.

tbh, whatever is going on with him - low self esteem, whatever, is something he needs to work on. It's not relationship counselling you need, it's plain old counselling he needs. It's something wrong with/missing in him that is causing him to be like this. The only person who can change that is him.

Original poster
Madethebedx · 23/11/2013 22:06

Yeah morrig I agree, I'm the same, i sometimes wonder if it's just out of devilment? I really thought we had something worthwhile, now just gutted x

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 23/11/2013 22:08

why are you trying to blame yourself for him being simply inadequate ?

BillyBanter · 23/11/2013 22:09

Pehaps see if you can get him into relationship counselling. Counsellors often do individual sessions with each within this.

Is he interested in finding a way not to be doing this?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 23/11/2013 22:12

relationship counselling is for when there is a problem with the relationship

it implies there is mutual blame

I don't think that is the case here

I think this bloke needs to feel some consequences

it's not happening though is it, especially whilst Op is still looking to herself to explain his behaviour

individual counselling is the way to go here...for him to find out why he sabotages the best things to happen to him and for her to find out why her bar is set so low she tolerates this shit

Lweji · 23/11/2013 22:12

He certainly doesn't lie because of you!

He lies to you and gaslight you when you doubt him.

At some point he'll lie to the children too and they'll either lose respect for him and learn that it's ok to lie, particularly if you are complicit.

And will you trust him on the big things? Faithfulness, financially, etc?

SirSugar · 23/11/2013 22:15

I work with someone who 'makes it up as she goes along'. A lot of it has absolutely no bearing on her job which she is fine at.

It baffled me for a long time but I have come to realise she has some deep rooted psychological issues and very low self esteem.

I view her as rather a sad character but am also wary and never trust her now.

toffeesponge · 23/11/2013 22:16

He has treated you badly by lying to you, swearing on your child's life and then to make you feel bad for not believing him. A good dad does not swear on their child's life when they are lying!

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 23/11/2013 22:19

Never trust anyone that swears on their kid's life

it invariably means they are lying though their arse (IMO)

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir · 23/11/2013 22:24

MistAll - I can relate to that! I was with a liar and a cheat. The last 10 years have been an absolute lie for me. I don't know what is real anymore. Oh and OP, mine used to go mental if I ever suggested he was lying - and gaslighted too.

Oh I could write a book on my bastard. Well he's not mine now, some poor bugger is now being led the merry dance.

Morrigu · 23/11/2013 22:32

Why on earth are you blaming yourself?

As Lewji says it erodes your trust in your partner where it makes you wonder can you trust them with the big things.

Does your partner realise he is doing it? I know with ex I pulled him on it and he can't see it. It's like his brain disengages and his mouth works independently. He'll deny saying it and nothing is ever his fault.

We have a dc together and tbh I dread she will pick up this trait from him.

FreakinAllAboutSugar · 23/11/2013 23:07

OP, I feel for you. My EXP (DS1's birth father) used to tell truly outrageous lies, massive, unsolicited, utterly preposterous, total insult-to-your-intelligence ones. A couple of (lower key so as not to out either of us) examples were: claiming to have spent a lot of time in my country of birth (I later found out he had never held a passport) and, brace yourselves, saying that he was infertile - DS's existence stands as evidence to the contrary there!

I think it was a Walter Mitty thing with him rather than an attempt to please. It reached the point where I would just work from the assumption that nothing he said was true. It rarely was. We split because I felt it was better to be a single parent than to try to live with someone I couldn't rely on.

After we split, incidentally, his lies became textbook: he dropped all contact when DS was about 15 months but told all and sundry that I was stopping him having access. Ugh.

I'm not going to cry LTB at you, but please take it from someone who knows, the lies will escalate and will erode whatever regard for him you have left. If you are determined to try and salvage things, call him on his lies, to his face, and tell him the lying stops NOW or you will walk. And mean it.

Parentingfailure · 24/11/2013 10:54

I'm in a similar situation. My dh lies started with covering up a massive amount of debt and now he can't seem to stop lying. I'm not sure if its borne out of saying what I want to hear or he's seriously messed up. I told him if he lied again that's it ( been together nearly 20 years, 2 dc). Found out yesterday he'd lied again.
Just got to get my act together now, it's so hard.
I don't think they can change, my dh knows he is going lose his family yet still does it.

Joysmum · 24/11/2013 11:22

Personally, I'd be telling him that part of the deal in being together is that you are not lied to and if he can't do you the courtesy of that then you deserve to be told outright as you deserve better.

I personally put liars and cheater in the same category when the lying is done to benefit the liar above the wishes of those they lie to. It's putting their wishes before yours.

Lweji · 24/11/2013 11:30

The main problem here is that you gave him an ultimatum and he lied again.
You do have to leave or you're telling him he can lie to you.

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