Is my dp taking the piss or do I need to relax?

[Shellywelly1973]

Dp has one weekend off a month. He goes out on the Saturday every single month. He never asks me to go out with him.

This weekend is the last weekend hes off work before our 4th dc arrives. The house is pigsty & im incredibly stressed about it. I work full time. 30 weeks pregnant with dc6. 2 dc with SNs.

He's been off 3 days now & done sod all. He hasn't even got up with dc or done anything with them. He's done one job in 3 days that took about 2 hours.

He's in the bath now. He hasn't said anything to me but he's obviously going out.

Do I need to calm down & say nothing?

Or am I justified in being really angry & insulted by dp thinking about himself & not helping with dc or the house...yet again!

I am another for holding his head under until the bubbles stop .... but then I am feeling in a bitchy mood tonight so if you don, t want police round for murder then I would go for the note on table saying have a good evening with kids and dont wait up .

Your suggestions remind me of a couple of times I've done literally as you lot have advised.

Im secretly a McDonald's fan...so I went to McDonald's & had large Big Mac meal...but forgot to turn my lights off. Ended up calling the AA. Nearly froze to death & ended up not getting in for hours!

Another time I went to a out of town shopping centre...car broke down on the motorway on the way there. By the time the AA got me going it had closed!

Its like I explained to dp. Its lack of regard and consideration for me & not taking responsibility that's making me so angry tonight. He said he's stopped asking me to come as I never go out. I don't go out as I have to orgsnise everything for dp & I to go out together. Because of the dc SNs we need 2 babysitters for 3 dc.

How do you make a grown man take responsibility?

start talking to him and getting him to take your needs seriously. Have some expectations of good behaviour and how loving couples behave.

You can't

You have to decide whether to live with it, or realise that you are pretty much a single parent anyway and act accordingly

ann I've been talking for 14 years!

I say very bluntly what I expect but he doesn't take responsibility for stuff he doesn't want to do. I then can leave it or do it myself.

I have very high expectations but they aren't realistic. I have no idea how loving couple's behave!

I have considered splitting up with dp but I would be on my own with dc. We would have to sell the house. I wouldn't be able to continue working. He's not bad just lazy.

I was a single parent before I met dp. The reality of being a single parent is much harder then many who shout LTB on MN could possibly comprehend.

Can understand where your coming from , you don, t want to leave him you just want to live with another adult who takes as much responsibility as you do .
not sure how you can make him care .
I feel like a mother to dh often and it drives me up the wall .

well talking nagging does not work does it? You need to act. Your actions- 4 children with him- show you never had any intention of leaving, just having more and more kids.

why should he take any notice of the nagging?

why did you have more kids when he's been like this for 14 years?

sorry- I do feel for you but if it's been this bad for so long then he quite clearly thinks he can carry on as ever.

I have very high expectations but they aren't realistic. I have no idea how loving couple's behave!

you mean they aren't achievable with this man? I think you know how loving couples behave- not being treated like a doormat or a baby machine would be a start. sorry.

We work separately. So dp does the shopping, decorating, gardens, cars & researching stuff.

I deal with the dc, schools, house & finances.

Dp works shifts which rotate & include weekends, bank holidays etc.

My expectations are for him to do stuff without me asking but thats not realistic as we have very different standards. Eg: I think the house needs painting once a year but dp doesn't- that sort of thing.

I have no idea how other couples behave as we dont have regular contact with family or friends. My parents & dps parents divorced when we were young.

ann I chose to have my dc. 'Baby machine' is rather offensive. How do you suggest I stop being a 'doormat' as you put it? If I say something to dp and he disregards it, what do you suggest?

You do not need to relax. Well, you do but not in that way. He's being selfish at a time when you need support. A reality check is needed for your DP. Two of you decided to have/ make another baby and only one of you is taking responsibility. He needs to man up!

shelly- I don't know the answers to your marriage issues. But it's clear that you need to change your behaviour in some way as he's not changing his, is he?

I'm sorry about the baby machine comment but I still wonder why you wanted 4 children with a man who doesn't seem to support you at home. If you constantly ask for support and don't get it or he is lazy then maybe you need couples counselling. Have you kn friends whose relationships you can use as yardsticks?

I think this thread has made me realise dp & are just so different.

Dp buys the most incredibly generous & at time, outrageous gifts for the dc & I at Christmas & birthdays. Whereas as my Christmas list gets shorter every year.

Dp isn't at all house proud. I am.

Im incredibly messy. Dp isn't.

Dp drinks, I don't.

Dp loves to go out & socialise, im indifferent.

Dp panics & stresses, I don't.

Generally in day to day life we don't spend loads of time together due to work. The differences aren't a big issue.

I just wanted to get the house sorted this weekend so I could relax a bit and get ready for Christmas. All the dcs are in different schools so I know things will get really busy leading up to Christmas. I have tons of work on at the moment. Dp won't be at home at the weekend before Christmas. Its just trying to organise everything & everyone gets tiring.

As you don't know how other couples function, assume it should be 50/50 and you should consider each other in decisions about all your time, especially down time.

Write down all jobs, paid, housework and child related and divide fairly.

House rules about going out that you adhere to. Common decency to check it's okay.

All common sense really. Don't be a mug.

We don't have any family in this city apart from my grown up dc.

We don't have friends in common. Dp has his friends and I have mine.

Most of dps friends dc are grown up. Whereas my friends have younger dc.

None of those things matter Shelly.
You can't buy love with expensive gifts.

How can you be messy but houseproud? sounds a contradiction.

What matters is how he treats you. Leaving you to go drinking or star gazing is not the issue- it's that he isn't doing anything you want. The question is- why do your wishes matter so little to him?

sounds like you live separate lives.

How could we share housework/ dc etc when dp works 60-70 hours a week when I work 25/30??

Dp can't get time off to attend school & appointments with HCP's for ds' with SNs.
We should get equal time 'off'. I agree with that point.

I wouldn't want to go out though but dp loves a night out.

Its more about pulling his weight when I really need him to.

Lol... im very messy but have learnt to control my mess. Iove to clean but not great at tidying.

Our lives are separate but it suits us in the main. Sorry but I thought I'd mentioned why I think he didn't take on board what I wanted to get done this weekend. Dp doesn't think the living room & kitchen need painting as he did them about 18 months ago. I wanted the garden cleaned up & some stuff taken to the dump.

I would actually agree that the house doesn't need painting every year, but then that's less of an issue than him always putting his preferences first.

What about paying someone to do the stuff like clearing up the garden? Would you both be in agreement on that?

No he won't pay someone to do the jobs hes responsible for.

I will be looking for a decorator, plumber & carpenter this week so all the jobs he's meant to do indoors gets done. He will do the garden tomorrow...all 200ft of lawn that has needed cutting since August!

The main living room, bathroom & toilet do need to be painted every year due to dc but they haven't been painted & are in a real state now.

Somehow this just doesn't ring true...

"He will do the garden tomorrow...all 200ft of lawn that has needed cutting since August! "

In November, really ?

"The main living room, bathroom & toilet do need to be painted every year due to dc"

What ???

Well, it sounds as if it's all quite normal, you've both always been like this, are generally quite happy with the division of labour, but you are now suffering from hormonal pregnancy rage.

Have a cup of tea and book the tradesmen (nuts to paint every 18 mos, btw, even with 2 sn DC) and in a few months you'll be happy as Larry.

No one's changed. You've just got the rage is all.

Sounds like you're both exhausted.

He is a waste of oxygen! Tell him he has to become involved in the household as a husband should and not as a lodger. If he can't help with the children or jobs around the place then the next pile of washing for him to pick up will be all his clothes and they will be on the front garden!

If the lawn has not been cut since August it must be 3 feet high now- seriously.

Your lives sound a bit chaotic TBH.

Do you both need to work those long hours with 4 children?

Do you each need to sit down and have a really good talk about your aims and goals in life and whether you can work fewer hours and manage with the money?

Is he working such long hours to keep a roof over your heads or to keep out of the home and avoid parenting/chores?

I can't see why anyone ( even with DCs) needs a room decorated annually. Our house goes for years and years without being decorated because we don't allow DCs to write on the walls, put handprints all over them, or abuse the house in any way.

what are yours doing????