I am digging deep to stop myself emailing her

[PTFsWife]

So my husband had an affair earlier this year. He came clean, ended it with OW, and since then we have been working hard on rebuilding our marriage. It has been going well for the most part. He is trying really hard. After an initial email from him to her saying that it was over, she sent one email basically saying farewell and how much she'll miss him etc. I saw both emails. There have been none since. I am VERY confident of that.

Part of the issue I had when he told me about the affair was that this was someone from the same company as him, but in a different office (abroad and very far from us). So although he doesn't see her, they are on shared email distribution lists, shared clients etc. Which to me would keep her top of mind. He has been looking for other jobs to get away from her altogether but there are very few at his level so I always knew it would take a while.

Anyway, this week he spent the week in London due to a big client event. When he got to the place he usually stays at, there was a handwritten letter in a fedex envelope waiting for him. She went on for about 12 pages talking about how much she missed him. In short, I think she was trying to see if she could rekindle it. She purposefully sent it that way so that I wouldn't be able to find it via seeing his emails (which he has made clear to her I have full access to).

My husband brought it home with him and showed me the letter. We discussed the best course of action. We agreed that he should send a short reply to her via email (which I will see) saying that he does not want her to contact him again.

I know that this will be the most likely thing to stop her getting in touch - each time she does it brings it all back to the surface again. But part of me is desperate to send her an email telling her exactly what I think of her. How dare she pursue him again when he has told her it is over and that he is focusing on his marriage? She had the gall to apologise for causing huge distress in his life but then immediately suggests that she'd like them back together.

I know that no good can come of me emailing her. I will simply then wait for a reply from her or start up a row and basically invite her back into our lives. But damn it is hard not to.

Sorry - just needed to get that off my chest. Perhaps I should write her the letter I'd like to write her and then never send it....

You are right, no good can come of you emailing her. The fact your DH showed you the letter is lovely. Keep her out of your life.

Write as many emails/letters as you want to. But don't press send. What's important is your H is being open and he should tell her he's sharing ALL and ANY correspondence with you no matter how it comes.

Is him changing his job out of question?
It sounds as if she is trying to get advantage of the situation that she can get to him that way.

TBH - she could send him posted letter but she hasn't tried that avenue yet.

antimatter - it's not out of the question. He is talking to other companies but senior hires take a while.

Akawisey - yes, he said he would tell her that he has shown me her letter and will continue to share any correspondence from her.

I am really pleased that he did show me and that we can talk calmly and rationally about what to do. But good god I would like to take a baseball bat to her head. Or tell her husband. Or publish her picture on www.shesahomewrecker.com - but I won't.

Wow, PTFsWife. I could've almost written your email...am in such a similar situation. Am 8 weeks in, after finding out my husband has been having an affair with a colleague on the other side of the world...it as been mainly via messaging/email. They slept together once in the summer at a company conference...but the messaging has obviously been intense. He is contrite and has been doing all the right things since I found out (found out from her husband, he called me) and we've been working really hard to restore things. We have been together 20 years and have always got on brilliantly (or so I thought)...it is such a shock and I'm finding it so hard to come to terms with.
Like you, have had one email correspondence with her when I first found out...but am desperate to contact her and tell her how I am feeling. We have good days, then terrible days (like today) when I cant stop crying and cant come to terms with what has happened. He is also looking for another job, and there is a conference in February when they will be working together for a week abroad..am already dreading it.
I know that he wants to be with me, but am not sure she feels the same way about her husband. She is very publicly listening to music that I know was special to 'them' and it winds me up no end...I feel as if she is goading me.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack...have been lurking for so long, and just couldn't believe the similarity in our situations.
Looking online at advice and from the 'Not just Friends' book, the policy seems to be 'don't contact'...I'm scared to do so, as it may inflame the situation, but am so tempted. It hurt so much.
Good luck! xxx

*post, sorry, not email!

Foxyterrier - it is hard. So you have my sympathies. It's been almost 12 weeks for us. Things that have helped us:

• joint counselling
• him seeing a therapist to figure out why he did it
• me seeing a life coach to figure out what I want to make me happy
• us about to see a charity who place you with a couple who have been through something similar and who are trained to help you work through it
• us going on plenty of dates together
• we're about to go away together for a week
• doing the newlywed game and other quiz thing in 'not just friends' - they were actually really good for us.

We have still not had sex. That is a bridge that is hard to cross for me. But I can feel us moving towards it getting easier.

As for the other woman, I know that by contacting her will make the situation worse. I want to be able to get through this with my dignity in tact - but the devil on my shoulder keeps whispering for me to send her what I really think of her (she incidentally has three young children and was cheating on her husband with both my husband AND another man at the same time. Nice.)

Oh she sounds a delight PFS! Similar...OW has 2 children 5 and 2 I think, and has cheated before. We have 2 DDs 7 & 11, and I really want to keep us together as a family..we were always so strong.

We have been trying really hard to spend time together, and it has been truly lovely at times. We have been having sex..but I found something out last night about their online 'sex' and the red mist has come down...I cant even look him in the eye today. It's all so horrible and I find my anger gets the better of me.
Thanks for letting me know what's helped you...I think we may need to go down the counselling route after all - am resistant for some reason?
I just never thought I'd be in the situation...how naïve I am!

She's not going to care what you think of her though, and it may persuade her that you're unreasonable, she's obviously already convinced your husband would be better off with her...

Quite apart from involving you in your husband's sordid mess.

I'd keep well out of it and way up on the moral high ground if I were you.

Foxy terrier. You say he is going to spend a week abroad with this woman???!!! There is no way I would tolerate this.
And how do you know she is publicly listening to music that links her to him? Are you deliberately torturing yourself via facebook or something?
Block her and tell him if he goes off with her in February not to come back.

When my anger has surfaced, I have told my husband that I am angry today and either tell him I need to tell him why I am angry or need to be left alone to get over it. What has not worked is not saying anything and letting it fester. As our counsellor said, it is like peeling an onion. Each fresh layer stings, but once it is exposed for a while, the sting stops until another layer is removed and the sting starts again. Until eventually there is nothing left of the onion.

Hang in there. I have just looked up OW on Facebook and good so easily send her a message that says: Fuck off out of our lives you bitch.

But I haven't. I shall step away from the computer now just in case I get itchy fingers.

Ursula..yes, I am torturing myself, and know I should stop.

The thing in Feb is a company meeting...it wont be just them, but everyone from the company will be there (100 plus employees)...unless he finds another job before, everyone is expected to be there (sorry don't want to out myself with too much detail)....they met at the equivalent meeting last year.

PTF...yes, step away from the computer...as tempting as it is!

Have generally managed to talk about things as they come up..and yes, the peeling an onion analogy is spot on. I peeled away a bit too much last night, and am still seething today though. I just don't understand 'WHY' he did it...and neither does he.

Foxy have you had your own thread on here? I think that PTFs is quite unusual in how she's handling the situation, and it might be helpful to you to get a wider range of views.

I know about these sorts of events, there is NO WAY he should go in February and he should make a valid excuse right now.

Gosh, I wish he could (and I'm not making excuses on his part, believe me)...but short of death or serious illness he has to be there. Am already stewing about it. We have tried to come up with some coping strategies for him to avoid all contact with her, (including not drinking?) but I am terrified about it. He is very understanding of this and I know he is dreading it and would love to not to.

Vivacia...what are PTFs? (sorry)...no, haven't had my own thread...but have been lurking and taking advice/support for the last 8 weeks. Maybe I should start one.

Do not reply, do not strike up any contact at all because that will be a big fat green light for her even if it is to say 'piss off' she will not see it as that. Chuck the letter in the bin and forget about it. If your husband receives another ask him to bring it home unopened so you can rip it up and chuck it away. Time to really start cracking that whip job wise. If your marriage is really worth it then he needs to get another job ASAP. Neither of you can move on until then. Good luck op.

That'll be death then, Foxy, by the look of it

Seriously, he would not be going, and it would be his problem as to how he sorted that.

Totally agree talkative

Foxy, if your H does not develop a debilitating flu for that conference then I am afraid you should consider your marriage over.

and why are you working with him to get him through it ?

PTF, I think that handwritten letter from OW should be completely ignored by both of you.

It's all oxygen to the Great Romance, isn't it.

How awful- he really needs another job. If he has to go in Feb, he could stay elsewhere and not at the place the company put him up. He can just say he will be taking the opportunity to stay with family and book himself into another hotel. Then she can't harrass him with room calls- assuming he is senior enough not to have to share?

Does he have an assistant? Are they going? He could tell them she is bothering him and get her/ him to interrupt if she follows him about. These events are very busy though- he could fill all his time with breakfast meetings, all day conferences and then be on the phone / and ensure he is having meetings and not sitting near her.

She sounds a bit strange - how did she know what hotel he was in to leave a letter? If I was him, I would put the whole thing in an envelope and post it back through internal mail with a note saying " please don't contact me again" this will send a very hard message. If he keeps it or bins it, she won't know and will assume he is mooning over it.

He shouldn't email her as she could accuse HIM of harassment somehow and make a lot of trouble. Email always leaves a trail. Don't contact her through FB or anything. She will think she has you on the run.

Foxy - PTF is the OP's name.

I think the thread is getting a little confusing so it may be best if you start your own thread Foxy and then you will get lots of support and advice.

PTF - I am for writing a letter to her, just to get it all out but only do it if you intend never to send it.

I wouldn't be sending her an email and I would encourage my dh not to send her an email either - he told her before all he needed to - its over- so now let things lie, yes she may try to get in contact again but it is best brought home and then ignored. replying gives a connection ignoring keeps slicing away at the tie