grandparents spoiling my son

[Poppett]

I have a similar experience with my mother.Every time we see her my 2 year old says "Nanny sweets". And lo and behold she has sweets I've tried to tell mum that it really isn't good for her teeth and I also don't want my girl to think that nanny is only there for sweets. I also have a problem with unfairness with the other grandparents in as much as they give more to my sister in laws children than my own, I know that it shouldn't really matter but she always got what she wanted as a child and my hubby didn't, history is just repeating itself.

My mother-in-law asks me whether my son is allowed something, such as sweets or cake, then if I say no, she turns round and gives it to him anyway. This really annoys me, since I explain to her that I'm not happy about it, but she just doesn't listen!

I am in debt to both sets of grandparents as they have my son the odd night or weekend - and would be stumped without them. But, it does get to me when they give him something they so obviously know he shouldn't have when I am not around - ie: let him drink their tea when he is 16 months old. "he loved it, gulped it down" I was told. I politely replied "well he shouldn't really have it and I'd rather he didn't" only to be told " my two had it and it didn't do them any harm". So did my siblings and I, and yes we are all standing - but that was 30 years ago and we now know that tea and coffee aren't particularly good for adults let alone kids, so it shouldn't be an issue. How do you get around this sort of thing without causing offence?

I could write a book on this subject - my mother in law has bought everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, for our son: clothes, cot, trike, highchair, playtent, tunnel, rocking horse, scooter, endless soft toys, more clothes, shoes, balls, slide, car, trains, tracks, more clothes. You get the picture. This was before he was even born. I had to ask her to take the bath and the pram back, because, yes there were other members of the family who would like to be allowed to buy SOMETHING for their new grandson/nephew.

And yes we have made endless requests, both polite and increasingly less so, for her to stop but it makes no difference.

It has got to the stage where when my partner went to a well-known toyshop to look for a present for his son's second birthday, there was nothing left to buy.

It's not just material things that she is excessive about; she gives my son exactly whatever he demands, even if that happens to be Rice Krispies with hundreds and thousands for breakfast. When asked if she would have given that to her children she admits that no, she wouldn't but then proceeds to buy chips, cake, icecream and ribena for him when she takes him out. The poor boy is prone to constipation at the best of times but after a couple of days with his granny it takes weeks to sort him out.

I know that looked at from one point of view, a viewpoint she is particularly fond of articulating, she has saved us thousands of pounds. But he is my child and her materialism is so far removed from my own values that I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with her 'generosity'.

Short of moving to Outer Mongonlia, we are stumped for a solution!!

My Mum waits on our son (her adored first grandchild) hand and foot when we go to visit, and buys him ice cream, sweets etc (which he rarely gets at home) and lets him watch videos before breakfast (which he is never allowed to do at home). We have made it very clear to him that what Grandma does in her house is her business, and bears no relation to what will continue to be the rules in our house. He occasionally tries it on when we return home, but basically accepts that going to Grandma's is a sort of special holiday and that Mummy and Daddy are just obviously mean and unreasonable!

Nao, your husband needs to speak to his mother on the subject. You'll have to be careful not to hurt her feelings. Constipation is not the only problem, will she be there to hold his hand when he has to have his teeth filled or worse, removed?

Why not ask her to invest some of the money she is spending for his future instead via a children's bond. We have a Rupert Bear one by Invesco (or has she got that in hand too!!)

I do sympathise with you but as I've said on a previous thread my MIL doesn't spend a penny on mine, has never babysat or taken either of them out in 6 and a half years. She's never so much as bought them an ice cream. She's too wrapped up in her non-existent illnesses.

Rhiannon. I haven't read the thread about your MIL (relative newcomer to mumsnet) so i'm just guessing but the situation seems more heartbreaking and harder to deal with than mine, if no less intractable. Mine just makes me angry.

Luckily, my son's teeth are probably safe. My dad was a dentist so, in spite of vigorous protests, my son gets his teeth brushed regularly!!

My partner is hugely supportive and has done most of the talking with her so far, running the gamut from jokiness through to serious argument.

We have come to the conclusion that she isn't going to change. She did spoil her own children with designer clothes and more toys than Hamleys. My partner seems to have miraculously escaped her malign influence - perhaps because he was the oldest and therefore she had less money to spoil him - and has turned out remarkably sane and more able to look after himself than anyone i have ever met! But his younger brother and sisters are all spoilt and incapable of looking after themselves. The youngest daughter (mid-20s) and younger son (early 30s) look like they are never going to leave home!!

We have made the suggestion about putting money away (got the form for the Rupert bond thingy but haven't filled it in. Yet.) but she's one of those "seen it, got to have it NOW" people and saving for the future seems pointless as far as she's concerned.

We've tried telling her that we will give most of the stuff to the nearly new shop round the corner. We've tried asking her to limit his birthday presents to single figures (in the hope that we can get it down to one or two later on!) We've tried telling her that most of the stuff just goes straight in the attic cos we haven't got room for it all in the rest of the house. I've lost count of the number of arguments we've tried. All to no avail.

All we can hope is that the rest of her children hurry up and have children of their own. Although that seems unlikely (see above). My son is her only grandchild at the moment and she can't possibly treat them all like this, can she??

Just to hijack this converation for a minute with a related question: MY mil and fil are far more generous with attention and presents for our first born. At 7 years old he is still the apple of their eye. I'm hoping that as our 2-year-old grows up, they'll get to know him better. They admit that they have not seen very much of him and would like to rectify this (they live a 5-hour drive away in a foot and mouth area, so not really their fault). But whereas they sent a steady supply of books and cards through the post to our older son when he was a toddler, they simply gave me money to buy our younger son his 2nd birthday present and rarely talk about him when they phone for news.

Do you think they're over that first thrill of being grandparents? Or does it all even out later?

Nao, how about telling her you're 'full up' at home and anything else she buys will have to stay at her house!

Why not suggest you go shopping together for the things you actually need? Perhaps go once a month and anything else she gets inbetween time will have to stay at hers.

I'll have to admit she sounds like my dream MIL! Do you get a choice in what is bought or does she have good taste?

We once got bought two roll necks from the charity shop and some hand knitted jumpers from the jumble (looked like someone had put them through a mangle).

Elga and other young women really amaze me "winging" about over indulgent grandparents, and their high faluting ideas of sense of value for a child that is only 30 months old.

Don't you ever stop to think that because of your father's age and financial position, he is more able to induge his grandchildren now, than he was able to indulge you when you were young?

One of a grandparents' greatest joy and love is to see their childrens' children. It is watching the continuation of your family, and a feeling you can't experience until it happens to you.

I was present at the birth of my grandchildren, and it was the most wonderful experience in my life.

Accept his presents gracefully, if you think your child has too many gift, put them in a cupboard whe he tires of them, and rotate their use.

I will tell you a true story -
There is a very wealthy Canadian business man, a staunch Baptist. His beloved only son married a practicing Catholic lass.
While the father in law liked his daughter in law, he did not approve of her religion.

From an early age, every Sunday the Grandfather would travel 100 miles to pick up his Grandson and take him to the Baptist Church, and return him home.

When the mother was asked if she objected to Grandad's taking the boy to church, she replied No he only has him for several hours, I have him for the whole week!

Think about that!

Grandmamma, I do see where you are coming from. But the thing is my son was the first grandchild on my MIL side and he is my first child. I want to be the one that indulges him. For the first year of my son's life I always felt my MIL was usurping me. I wanted to be the one to buy him his first advent calendar - but my bloody MIL brought him one in September! We were going to buy him just one present for his first Christmas and had decided on a walker - only to find out that my MIL had already brought one! The previous Christmas when I was just 5 months pregnant she brought the child a teddy bear. I appreciate that a new baby in the family is exciting for everyone, but as my first baby I wanted to do the 'firsts' and it really got on my nerves. It is nice for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren, but they should take in to account the parents wishes and be more sensitive - grandparents have had their kids, many of us are on our first child still and the experience is new to us. We want to indulge, but we also need to keep a balance in their day to day care and sometimes I don't think well-meaning grandparents have any idea just how disruptive their 'Lady/Lord Bountiful' weekend visits can be. We are the ones that have to put them to bed, which is not happy if they are hyped up by the choccies grandma has fed them, we are the ones that have to put up with the tantrums when we explain everytime we pass a toy car we can't buy it. We are the ones that have to house enormous lumps of coloured plastic in an already jammed packed house!

Yes, indulge, but please consult or give things a bit more thought first I think that's what most people would like.

Emman, you've said it in a nutshell. Although you excaped lightly with just one teddy. We got four before he was born, including a Steiff one! I've just been and counted the soft toys he's got in his bedroom - 38 and that doesn't include the boxful in the living room or the bag in the attic or the one's at MIL's house. And which one does my son go to bed with? Elmo, which his dad bought for him (although according to MIL that's because we force him to!)

I know it sounds like whingeing and of course we're grateful for the financial boost it has given us but I would like to be able to buy one of his 'firsts' before she gets there. She's so excessive that it's more a case of me laughing through gritted teeth tho that's a difficult 'mood' to get over here...

Rhiannon, she's already got the slide, another highchair (that she just couldn't resist), the car, etc at her house plus god knows whatever else stashed away that she hasn't told us about. If she hasn't bought it for my son, she probably has it in her attic where she seems to have hoarded all her own kids stuff (she even saved their terry nappies!).

As for the once a month suggestion. She'd have withdrawal symptoms if she stayed away from the shops that long. About 3 days is as long as she can stay away. She's probably already bought all his clothes for next year from the sale rail in Gap (can't even be bothered to tell her that I have problems with Gap re. their exploitation issues).

Sorry, you've caught me at the end of a particularly bad week with my MIL. She does try, mostly, to buy what she thinks I/he will like but sometimes she just gets carried away. I know her heart's in the right place but, oh I don't know. I just don't want my son growing up thinking that if mummy and daddy say 'no' to something he wants then all he has to do is ring up and ask granny.

I sympathise with you on the over indulgence but I am a bit sad as well. I lost both my parents before my 30th birthday and consequently my daughter has no grandparents on my side and only a granny on my husbands who lives 80 miles away. I look at my daughter and would love her to have known her grandparents. My parents loved all their grandkids and were a great support to their own children. My mother was a wonderful person, she offered support but did not interfere. As a result all my bil and sil really did like her and my dad. Their grandchildren all miss them to this day and one of my nieces carries their photo in her wallet everywhere.

Although I know it is probably very annoying having someone over indulging your child, I suppose they at least care enough to do so. I would give anything for my parents to have met my child but unfortunately they never will.

My father has got it sussed, he waits till I mention a need i.e. new shoes, then pops a cheque in the post..what a gem! My mother, on the other hand, totally indulges our son. She looks after him overnight every couple of weeks which gives me and my husband a welcome break. However, when she looks after him, it is bottles of milk every time he wakes, walking him around to get him back to sleep, biscuits between meals etc. She thinks she knows best because she has brought up 2 children but she doesnt realise she is making it worse for our son. He is only 15 months old and probably confused about boundaries. It sounds harsh but I wilI have to remind her he is MY son and her time with him is a privilige not a right.

PJ, don't be too harsh with your Mum. I would have given all my teeth, a couple of right arms and various other body parts for my Mum to have looked after my son for a night when he was a baby. I wouldn't have cared what indulgent things she did to get him back to sleep in the night because I would have been so delighted to have a break myself. Aren't you a bit worried that if you tell your Mum that looking after your son is a privilege, she may just say its one she can do without and bang goes your night off?

My mum looked after my son when I went back to work full time, and also while we've had holidays (2 weeks 3 years running) I know that I've got an absolute gem of a mum. At first I found it really hard to accept that she did different things with him than I did e.g. always slept in bed with him every night (not just if he woke up in the morning like we did), gives treats all the time and various other things. He has always realised that things he does with Grandma are different and special, and has never expected the same things at home - he just seemed to realise without anything being said to him. He is now in full time Nursery, so only gets to see his grandma at weekends and if she picks him up from Nursery and he is sooooo excited to see her it is an absolute joy for her. PJ, I'm sure that your child will also realise that grandma is a soft touch and that things are different at home!!

Yes, I agree...kids know without you having to tell them that things are different in other people's houses, and in fact, it's a nice thing for them to learn, I think!! It works both ways, too. We used to have an old sofa the children were allowed to climb all over and bounce on, and they knew they could do that with our sofa, but not other people's, especially not at grandma's. The only area where this really matters, I think, is safety, so even if grandpa isn't bothered about them doing up their seat belts in the back of the car, they should still do it. I used to grit my teeth when things like carving knives were left out within reach, as well, not to mention pills. I had to tell 'em!

Yes, My children (oldest one, anyway) know that different behaviour is called for in different homes. Each place has its house rules.

What get me though, is if someone (grandparent or not) discliplins my sons, without warning, for something I that consider is minor. If people have strict house rules or specific codes of behavoiur, I do think they should try to let you know, so you can tell your child in advance.

It's good to read that SOME of you new Mum's appreciate your parents and in-laws minding the kids, and indulging them a little, and giving you a free night out by taking the kids overnight.

The privilidge is yours not the grandparents.

We've had our families (four in five years in my case) and like a good nights sleep.

We have a wealth of information on child rearing.
Don't say it's old fashioned, things go in cycles, I have a good laugh when new idea's on child rearing are promoted - we oldies have heard it all before.

I remember when I was having my children, my mother in law (a wonderful lady whom I loved dearly) used to give me tips, I'd say "Yes Mum" think here we go again - her advise did come in handy.

My Mother died when my first child was only two months old, my Dad was very indulgent, gave the children wonderful gifts, for which I was very appreciative.

My mother in law was my rock.
She was a very sophisticated, elegant lady, had a Nanny for my husband, but knew all the answers.

It's no use winging that you want to be the first to give your child everything - sometimes you can't afford all the gifts that grandparents can provide.

Wait until you have four kids, you'd appreciate all the help you could get.

You wouldn't have time to get on to the net and winge.

And remember you'll be the Grandparent/in-law some day.

Two of my grandchildren live in Sydney - My daughter would give the world for me to live near her so that we could indulge to girls.

Grandmamma

Grandmamma, I'd appreciate someone indulging my family. :-) I wouldn't have a problem being showered with gifts, but our families haven't been in the position of having lots of money, so it hasn't happened, unfortunately.

I used to get upset that my MIL fed our eldest child tea with sugar in, from about the age of one, but once I accepted that one drink once a fortnight was unlikely to do him any harm the problem disappeared.

We've lived 600 miles away from our family for the past 20 years and hwever hard you try, you do lose the everyday feel for family. My children barely know their cousins and aunts and uncles. That's not to say they're not welcome - it's just the way life is when you go your separate ways.

At least we have email now. We're trying to persuade my 81 yr old MIL to get a computer, and I think she's willing to try!

For some strange reason I was thinking about this message board alot over the weekend. I can appreciate that a constant stream of gifts is probably a bit annoying but there are plenty of ways of dealing with unwanted toys: box them up and put them in the roof for a bit if you can't face giving them to charity, playgroups or local nurseries. However, I don't think that people should worry that the gifts will in anyway undermine a parents influence or somehow deny them the right to indulge their own children. If you look back on your own childhood, what do you remember? Do you remember who bought you what toy? I bet you don't. I certainly don't (apart from my first watch, which was a very special present), but what I do remember is the Great Aunt who would tow me around the village on my tricycle, tell me stories about Mr & Mrs Blackberry and all the little blackberries. I remember the uncle who would play hide & seek in the back garden and the Granny who laughed 'till she cried when playing with Emu (funny Rod Hull bird you put your hand in). So, the conclusion to my ramblings is that I think children will remember the people who spent time with them and not money on them.

You're quite right about what children really remember, Bugsy. My grandfather is still alive (aged 92) and my mother and her sister moan dreadfully about how stingy he is with his money, and how he never bought us kids presents etc. My brother and I don't understand this at all - we don't care about the money, what we remember is going to Weston and playing on the beach, burying Grandad in the sand, and going for donkey rides. He was always very generous with his time, and that's what we remember most.

Tigermoth - going back to your point about your MIl and FIL preferring your eldest: recently my mum told me that she feels she has a special bond with my son (her first grandchild), and that she knows she's going to have to be careful to make sure she treats my daughter and any children my brother may have one day the same as him. She knows she shouldn't feel this way, but can't quite help it. She tells me that her mum felt the same about me (the first grandchild again). However, I think it will get better as the younger child grows older and becomes more independant and gets better-known. I myself had a strong feeling for about the first year of my daughter's life that I didn't really know her, unlike her older brother (who admittedly rather hogged the limelight when she was a baby). Now that she's nearly 2 she's come out from his shadow and has a very individual take on life, and everyone in the family is starting to really get to know her and love her for herself, rather than just as his baby sister.

I agree that the best thing a grandparent can give a grandchild is time and attention. My parents learned their skills on 4 kids and 10 grandchildren. My wonderful father is the perfect person to take a toddler on a walk - always ready to go slow, stop, look at things, dawdle along by all the things that I rush them past on my busy way to do important things. My mother is different - providing for physical needs was always more important, so it's homemade cakes, and lashings of favourite food. Also firm believers in getting out in the fresh air as much as possible. They always have the children to stay for a week in their caravan - and the kids have their best holiday of the summer with them.

We don't see them very much during the year, because of work and distance but phone each week. My parents are nearly 80, and my mother had a mastectomy last year. I worry that we are taking advantage of them, but they say the children keep them young. They go walking, swimming, gardening.

They have added immeasurably to my children's life, and gave me a really stable and loving home. I think I have been really blessed with them - they didn't get everything right, but they did their absolute best by us. I hope my kids can say the same about me.

Yes, I agree time and attention is a more lasting gift than material things. And a little spoiling from grandparents is harmless - and those presents can fill in some extremely useful gaps, if you are a cash-strapped parent.

But I do have a 'however'. I would love to say the older relatives I valued the most are the ones who spent time with me. In retropsect this is true.

But I know as a child, I cottoned on to the fact that some adults would give me a present or money whenever they saw me. If they visited, I expected this and even demanded it. I became far more interested in the gift than the giver. Not a nice trait for a child to to have.

Grandmamma, while it may be lovely to shower grandchildren with presents, I think this can impede the development of a truly loving relationship. If little children believe grandparents are there to give them things, that every outing automatically means an ice cream on the way, that every letter contains a five pound note, that every visit to the shops means a toy etc, this materialistic attitude can easily carry over to other adults they spend time with, and make it even harder for parents to instill good habits of behaviour.

Tigermouth
I think you got the wrong impression with my comment about grandparents indulging grandchildren.

There are a million ways that children can be indulged without giving material gifts.

Reading a story, taking them for a walk, talking to them on the phone, holding their hand,a cuddle, rocking them to sleep - the list goes on.