Bless you love. I know how mental all this seems, but really it's very simple.
this is what I learned on MY journey. I don't know if these are things you need to 'discover' for yourself for them to have meaning, but if I can shortcut your recovery and help you to the healing bit, it'll be a lot of time and pain saved.
Remember. NONE of this is your fault. YOU didn't do this. HE did.
because he WANTED to.
He will do, say, be whatever it takes to control you. he will use anyone and anything to gain leverage. He will go to the tiniest of detail to get to and at you.
This really IS war. War over control of YOU. By controlling you he gets to feel powerful.
I remember wondering how on earth he got to me and how he chose me. It's because WE are nothing like the REAL THEM. WE are the people they WISH they were. they think that by acquiring us, some of US will rub off or reflect on THEM.
They want attention, they want love and admiration, they NEED that fix due to a gaping hole in their lives. WE don't figure in their calculations, only our qualities.
They target us and get us locked in by showering us with the stuff they want back.
We respond. they are being the best boyfriend EVER so it works well. But all that being nice is an almighty effort for them, and they need fuel to keep up that kind of performance. the fuel is us and our attention. Like an addict, they become immune to the supply we give them. They want more and more attention etc for themselves, and they don't care about the price.
Eventually we will reach our maximum outpouring of emotions/attentions etc but their need for our attention increases. they get withdrawal, they get angry, we disappoint them, they turn nasty. During this process they see our concern at their mood, and our need to do what it takes to get back the perfect boyfriend they had, and see our fear of losing them.
the power that this gives them is the headiest of drugs. this is why they escalate.
I never worked out how we fall for the bollocks of chasing to get the perfect boyfriend we know he can be back again. We are relentless in our belief that if we do this, that or the other, then that perfect man will return.
Our own lack self esteem, our need to be loved and our own inner voice created by our upbringing I think is what drives this clinging on to the impossible dream.
When we wake up from this, it's the worst feeling ever, we are monumentally stupid for falling for it for so long. anyone who knew me then, would tell you how I stopped posting for a while, as I felt WTF do I know, who the hell in their right mind would listen to anything I say about Relationships when I have so catastrophically ballsed this all up for so long.
MN was my saviour, so many cared enough to tell me it'd be OK and what not and they went out of their way to help, to hand hold and to listen.
there are hundreds if not thousands here to hear you, and one day you will be the one to help them. You will!