I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but...

[Bigbird01]

Sorry, I've had a few glasses of wine now, but feel the need to share my evening...

I told H that it was over about 4 weeks ago now. He's still living here because he says he is so overwhelmed by the situation and has begged me not to 'chuck him out on the street'. He has found a house he is in the process of buying, but keeps saying that it is likely to fall through (I've seen the house and the surveyors report - there is no reason to think this is the case). I've said I want to spend Christmas with my family and our DCs, but I have arranged a day just before Christmas for all of us to visit a particularly good Santas Grotto and I have offered to have him and his Dad for dinner afterwards (assuming the house isn't sorted by then) so that they can have a bit of a Christmas Day with DCs before I go to see my family (we don't live near them).

Tonight I have had to listen to an evening of why I am so bad. Just to stress, I'm not having an affair (I was unfaithful to H about 12 years ago - before we got married- but I told him about this before we got married and I have been faithful since this), he is a very difficult man to live with (he suffers from stress and depression and - although I wouldn't have thought he had more than a 'bad temper', after reading through other threads on MN, I think he does have emotionally abusive tendencies (plenty of name calling and sudden mood changes, shouting and tantrums)). He admits all this but still feels I am being unreasonable for 'throwing away 20 years' and wants to know how I am going to manage without him (He does pull his weight with household chores, but he is a very hands off Dad so I have felt like a single mum since the kids were born).

Tonight I've been accused of plotting my escape, just using him to get kids and a house (at the moment I earn slightly more than he does, despite being part time!) and bitching about him on the internet (ok - got me there, but he said that before I wrote this!).

Damn it - I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I did need to do this - I was losing myself and no matter how much I tried to explain this he didn't understand.

And yet we still haven't told the kids and I am still play acting the good little wife. Gritting my teeth so hard I'll need dentures by the time he completes on the house :-(

Sorry again... Rant over...

Why is he taking a lot of the furniture that presumably the children will need some use of?

Have you seen a solicitor? You really need to check out what you can and can't do. Things like division of family assets (furniture etc), money, what the children need for a sensible lifestyle. You need to do this, because he won't worry about what is fair and reasonable once the reality hits.

Genuine question - why does it matter if he thinks you're a cow bag?

He is having our bedroom furniture, the majority of the lounge furniture and the dining room furniture. We have a fairly big house and we currently have a sofa bed in the kids playroom that I'll put in the lounge for now and we have a dining table in the kitchen too (that I am keeping).

In response to all your very valid questions. I am fortunate that I have a very well paid job and I've been able to get a mortgage that will allow me to pay him off and have enough left over to get the house sorted and give myself the fresh start I feel I need (I love the house and it has always felt more like my home than 'our' home and I wouldn't want to move as it will give the kids some stability). I don't need to get everything that is rightfully mine or that I could get if I went through a solicitor and fought him. He is very emotional and outspoken and has no concept of tailoring the way he behaves for the kids. At the moment he accepts that he has caused our separation and he can see that I am trying to make the whole thing as painless as possible for all of us. If he thought I was trying to 'take him for everything I could' (as he would see it) he would verbally lash out at me, quite probably in front of or to the kids.

I don't hate him by any means - in fact I feel pretty sorry for him. He's unable to love in the way I can and it is going to make him very lonely. I do want him to retain a relationship with his children so I am doing this the quietest and calmest way I can to prevent them seeing any ugly behaviour that may affect that relationship in the future.

I know that might sound like I'm being a pushover, but I doing it this way so that I don't feel any debt to him and that my kids see as little anger as possible - the main reason I'm ending this is because I think they have seen more than their fair share already.

I can appreciate how knackering and stressful the livin together while not must be - have friend going through the same but for much longer.

Hopefully things will ease off once you both have space.

Will he be having the children for Christmas next year? While I can see your point of view, at the same time I imagine he is feeling rubbish at prospect of Xmas alone with his dad.

Thanks Pooka. Yes - I do plan to let him have them next year (if he wants them). By then I'm hoping he will be in a better place emotionally and more capable of putting their happiness and needs above his own.

Well, I take my hat off to you, and wish you all the best.

As for Xmas. There will be lots of Xmases for the children to be with each of you in the future. It seems a bit pointless to play happy families this year just because he hasn't actually moved out yet.

Good Luck Bigbird, you sound like you're doing brilliantly. fwiw I understand totally your "gently, gently" approach.
I hope it all works out for you.

Going to tell the DCs tomorrow. Going to be tough but I'm sure this is the right thing for them. Then It's just a case of counting down the days... 11 left...