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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fed up with waiting for fiance to put me ahead of his exwife

27 replies

Sauvignonandstuff · 20/11/2013 20:07

Hi, please could I have some rational thinking on my situation. I have been with my partner for 5yrs and he is divorced with 2 kids. I love him very much and his children. I have two kids of my own and am also divorced. The problem is his exwife is such a massive part of our life and my fiance is just not able to set boundaries with her as she is so nasty, spiteful and vindictive . I would love to be able for us to all move on but she refuses to have anything to do with me. I should add I am her exes first relationship after they split up but I was not the cause of it and it was her that instigated the end of their marriage. She was having a relationship with another man at the time of their split but that has now finished. I understand how much my fiance loves his children and of course they should always come first but this is where the boundaries get very blurred. The ex wife will constantly demand attention, for example ringing in the early hrs of the morning drunk and demanding to be collected from a night out, resulting in waking us both and fiance making the trip!More recently I was very upset as one of their kids was admitted to A&E and my fiance made me wait in the car for 2 hrs and not go in as ' he didn't want a scene'. I have never made a scene as it's not fair on the kids and actually I am forbidden to have any right of reply to her. A few wks back he received a text saying that she and their teenage children couldn't move on with their lives whilst he was with me. I don't believe he has any feelings for her but is to scared to stand up to her as she gets very hostile and it's upsets his children. I don't think she wants him back at all but just wants attention, any attention from us. My fiance says he can't move in as he has to put his kids first and make their life less stressful which means keeping her happy. He does love me but I am completely fed up with his weakness and her controlling manipulation. It feels like she is the wife and I am the girlfriend. Am I being unreasonable to insist that he stops rewarding her bad behaviour by helping out with things like taking her car in for a service as this just reinforces her behaviour and she has no reason to change!

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/11/2013 20:13

He doesn't love you enough.

I don't know how you can have any respect for him, he sounds utterly pathetic.

Mumof3girlys · 20/11/2013 20:16

Leave him!!! Why are you allowing him to go pick her up on early hours off the morning and sitting in cars for hours waiting for him ?

LIZS · 20/11/2013 20:17

She calls the shots because he lets her. He'll sort her car out but leaves you waiting outside in the car. Sorry but he thinks more of her than of you. She has no reason to have anything to do with you and I think your anger and frustration is misplaced.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 20/11/2013 20:19

Move on.

You don't want to hear it, of course, but you will always be second best.

You are annoyed with her, whilst missing the point by a country mile.

Atavistic · 20/11/2013 20:28

You need to walk away from this bloke. By your actions, you tell people how they can treat you. By accepting this carry on, he will always put her first. I believe he's probably a lost cause, but you really need to see if he's willing to lose you.
Why do you think this is all you deserve? You can't stay with someone who does this. To an outsider, it sounds totally bonkers. And an AWFUL future.

canyouexpand · 20/11/2013 20:28

It is a difficult situation and your fiancé probably thinks he is doing the best thing for his children. The problem is the impact on you. He sees you as someone who can accommodate his exwife and lessen immediately confrontation, and therefore this pattern of behaviour will continue. It is unlikely to change but always worth discussing the options with him.

Fairenuff · 20/11/2013 20:34

He is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone else yet, he is still too attached to his ex. I would end it and tell him to come back when he was ready to commit fully to his relationship with you.

Original poster

Sauvignonandstuff · 20/11/2013 20:37

Your right, she had no reason to have anything to do with me and I am only frustrated because her behaviour is now having a severe impact on her child's mental health. Whatever the rights and wrongs we should protect our children from our own feelings instead of using them as ammunition . I don't think she would be any different with his ' next girlfriend' if we were to split as she has demanded. So do I leave my fiance and let them get on with it? I really do want it to work but feel caught up in the viciousness and pointlessness of it all.

OP posts:

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/11/2013 20:38

Can you really spend your life being woken in the middle of the night for your wimpy fiancee to leave and pick her up.

That just sounds grim, he needs a reality check on what hes risking, separation sounds like a good idea.

Original poster

Sauvignonandstuff · 20/11/2013 20:47

Thanks for replies, I think I know what I have to do but it breaks my heart to let him go. He is the love of my life and we could have a great life. I am really easy going but I just feel the harder I try to accommodate him and his ex wife the more selfish they become. Enough

OP posts:

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 20/11/2013 20:53

she

Think about it.

ZenNudist · 20/11/2013 20:54

Be strong it sounds like you're coming round to the best decision. If you take control and end it with him he will either realise what a mistake he's making, or you will be vindicated that you had a lucky escape from a life of being second best.

The ex sounds horrible. It's a toxic situation that's going you no good & your fiancé is failing to protect you from. Make it clear that he'd not doing the right things by his kids pandering to her. It just sets a bad d simple from the central relationship in their lives. A loving relationship with you would be a better model for them.

BillyBanter · 20/11/2013 20:57

Sounds like a pretty toxic relationship and your relationship isn't going to improve unless he can start standing up to her. It's difficult when she's got the kids as ammunition. Has he ever had counselling or would he consider it?

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 20/11/2013 21:01

Sorry but if after 5 years he is still asking 'how high' every time she demands that he jumps then I can't see it changing.

I agree with others - end it and see what his reaction is.

Distrustinggirlnow · 20/11/2013 21:09

So ex doesn't want him, but doesn't want anyone else to have him either....

If my fiancé, or I fact anyone who I was in such a close relationship with that i slept alongside them, got up in the middle of the night to pick up an ex, then they wouldn't get back in again. That is ridiculous, really, it is..

And the text, we can't move on whilst you're in a relationship with OP.. WTAF is that all about. What a bloody drama queen. Do you really want to be in a relationship with such a wimp.

His children will always be his priority and that's only right. The same as yours are your priority. But he has no need for a relationship with his ex. Yes be civil etc. but that's all. After five years she really shouldn't be figuring in your life. What if you two were to have DC of your own, then what.....

I think you need to speak to him. And leaving you out in the car. That's just downright fucking rude. If he's distracted in a & e cos DC is hurt then that's fine. Just call you a taxi. But don't just leave you there. Wherein all this does he show you any respect..?

Sorry OP I'm rambling now but I'm getting cross on your behalf

SweetSkull · 20/11/2013 21:11

Above posters said it all really.
I don't know how you managed to spend 5 years with him if this is that bad.
Make sure to tell him all your feelings (good and bad) and end the relationship.
He might than change and come back to you or maybe not.
I think both of them need counselling TBH and probably their children too.

I would not take him back if he didn't go counselling, otherwise he might not be able to sort the relationship with his exW on his own.

BOF · 20/11/2013 21:13

She sounds a nightmare, but that's his problem. Don't make it yours- your life will be a lot more peaceful and straightforward without him in it, honestly.

fifi669 · 20/11/2013 21:29

My ex had 2 kids with ex wife..... He'd buy new tyres for her car and say it's for the kids benefit, then expect me to make up the shortfall in rent, they went on holiday as a family, we'd arrange to go out but if she was there we had to go somewhere else etc He eventually left when I was 20 weeks pregnant, stopped speaking to me but managed to ask her if she wanted to be part of my baby's life! She refused to let her DC meet DS. Sigh. Surprise, surprise they ended up together again. (Not for long though).

If he's acting like this he'll tell you it's for the kids, that's bollocks. It's for her. Get out now, he's not over it.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/11/2013 21:31

Fifi What a total dick, family holidays together, ugh, your much better off im betting.

flippinada · 20/11/2013 21:36

I agree she sounds thoroughly unpleasant but she's only a problem because he lets her be one, and the way he is treating you is awful. The real problem is him.

fifi669 · 20/11/2013 21:36

Yep. Lovely DP who treats DS as his own and our own addition due in July :)

Ex has nothing to do with DS, though he still sees his uncles and cousins (and the secret sister ex conceived while with me).

I promise you OP once you're out of it you'll look back and think wtf was I doing???

bochead · 20/11/2013 22:14

She left him and you can tell. Going to "save" her from her drunken escapades in the middle of the night is enabling co-dependent behavior.

You expect a teen who goes out on the tiles to have the common sense to pre-book a taxi in order to get home. Why can't a grown arsed Mum of two teens herself accomplish this? She's a classic emotional abuser - using her kids as weapons. He's a textbook enabler.

Neither of them are decent parents imho. Instead of standing up to her in order to protect his kids from her toxicity, he is choosing to facilitate her behavior.

I'd personally forgive the A&E incident, simply as in a true emergency with your kids it's too easy to develop complete blinkers to everything except that child's immediate recovery. It doesn't make it right, just understandable iyswim in the context of a total one-off over 5 years. This issue is that this wasn't a one-off, it's your "normal".

Leave him. He needs professional therapy & you are too emotionally invested to be an adequate substitute for this.

BOF · 20/11/2013 22:26

Bochead is spot on.

wontletmesignin · 20/11/2013 22:56

It sounds awfully suspect to me.

Everythinf he does for her.
But wont listen to you.
The text message stating that it cannot move.on whilst he is in a relationship with you.
And the rest...

It sounds to me like his wife has allowed him to have his cake and eat it.
It seems like you are the OW. She cant live with him, so you can. But she cant live without him, and now she wants you out.

Picking her up after a night out, and him obeying. Sounds like sex to me.

Sorry op, but i think you are best off out of this situation. It isnt normal, nor is it healthy

tightfortime · 20/11/2013 22:59

The night his ex rang at 3am, as we slept together in my city centre flat, freaking out because she was out in the city and couldn't find a cab home to release the babysitter of their two kids...when she was 'so sorry' but it was for the kids, she needed to get home to them - and he went, was the night I should have told him not to bother coming back.

Never mind that she has family who could have got her, friends, whatever - she rung him.

She went on to be fine with me, liked me almost. But he always, always, jumped when she asked him to do something 'for the kids'.

Get out, sorry, but do.

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