What the hell is wrong with my 'D'B?

[yogacat]

Very upset. DH and I are moving countries at the moment (hemispheres, actually), I'm pregnant, DH is working, co-ordinating the move and applying for work in the new country. We're doing well with everything, but it's crazy and stressful, and we're both a bit at the end of our tethers as things are drawing to a close here. We're worried about money, and would love for DH to have a job to go to when we arrive. He might, but nothing is certain yet, and there's only weeks to go. Every application is sent off with a fervent wish, and every silence greeted with resignation, but also disappointment.

I was talking to DM this morning, and she mentioned that she's been speaking to my DB. He apparently told her that he knows people in DH's line of work (which is nothing like what he and his wife do). When DM suggested he could drop DH a line and see if he'd like to be hooked up with some contacts, DB said, 'No. If they want my help, they can ask.'

What the actual fuck????

Firstly, I had no idea DB or SIL knew anyone in DH's line of work, so I would not even have thought to speculatively contact them on the off chance they do. We've been so, so busy, and I've been so ill. The thought never crossed my mind.

Secondly, why is be being such a petty, withholding arsehole? He knows I'm pregnant and that DH is looking for work.

So as not to dripfeed, I am definitely seen as the family favourite by DB (and I admit I am, partly because he can be such a temperamental, confusing person at times, like now), but he is always reasonably nice to me when we speak. I actually think he was having a go at DM by his comment, as he would know that she's very keen we settle in quickly into life in the new country, and he might be jealous. Any insight appreciated. I will not say any of this to DH, because he's working so hard looking for a job, and would be really hurt. And he likes my DB.

Maybe your DB thought you wouldn't want his help? He might feel a bit interfering / overbearing by offering? Or maybe he does not want to get involved and the comment slipped out before he thought about what introducing your DH to some of these contacts might mean in terms of responsibility.

Hi Mrs Wolowitz, DH will definitely get a job there and we will also be able to afford a house - which we never will here in the UK (unless we win the lotto). It was a choice of moving north here - also away from our jobs - or to my home country. It was no contest. His job is far better paid there, it's a shortage profession, and our and the baby's quality of life will be far better too. It's just tricky to be hired from overseas, as the employers want to meet you in person. But it's possible, which is why he's trying so hard...

Yes he could be jealous and having a bit of a go out you and also having a bit of a go at DM for her perceived preference for you over him. But in the grand scheme of things his motives aren't all that important, are they? What's much more pressing, IMO, is the fact that you are moving to the other side of the world without a job, and with a baby on the way. So if DB has any possible help to offer then I reckon you should just ask him and not stress too much over his motives for not making a direct offer.

That's possible capsium, but I don't think an introduction of DH, who's highly qualified, with great references etc could ever reflect badly on my DB. When DM repeated his words, I could 'hear' his tone of voice. Sadly, I really think it's pure pettiness. Or just making stuff up to wind up DM. Or maybe you're right, and he doesn't want to get invovled. Which also hurts my feelings! It's just an introduction, not inviting us to share their home indefinitely, or give us the shirt off his back.

yoga But maybe he was questioning the usefulness of his contacts? Or the importance of his influence with them. He could have been trying to appear a bit 'all knowing' to DM.

The funny thing is, DH and I will be landing on my parents, until we get on our feet, which is going to hugely piss DB off, and make him jealous. So you'd think he'd want to help DH get a job asap, so we can be independent of the DPs asap. As the situation stands now, he will be sitting and fuming at how much 'help' they give me (i.e. a roof over our heads until we know where we'll be living/ working)...

capsium, you may be right. That makes sense. It really does. Yes, I think you're right. Starting to feel a bit better...

Thanks capsium!

HTH

It could be that he is deeply saddened by yous moving. Especially knowing that his new niece/nephew wont be seen as often as he may like.

He may not be offering support as he doesnt want you to go, and so although he isnt kicking up a fuss over it, as he knows it is what you want. He may just point blank have anything to do with it.

I wish you all the best on your new move and job, and of course, baby!

Oh bugger...i read on and noticed you were moving closer to them.

Maybe it is jealousy over you being number 1 again. He might just be trying to put himself up there in your dm eyes. In the hopes the limelight isnt taken from him once you get there lol.

Why is your DM telling you this? surely she knows its not going to help your relationship with DB! She could have just told you that she thinks that your DB might know someone who could help and why dont you ask him? Instead she chose to tell you that he was rude.

Maybe your DH could send DB a text saying something like 'I hear you might have some contacts that could help me find a job. Would really appreciate some help.' ?

Sounds like a bit of sibling jealousy. Maybe he's worried he'll be sidelined by your return. I bet your mum is really excited about your return and It's probably all he's heard from her from a while, hence the jealousy.

I suspect your brother doesn't want to be seen as interfering. And also there is always risk attached with putting family members forward for jobs, incase it doesn't work out and reflects badly on you.

IME if one child in the family is perceived as the favourite there is often a grain or more of truth behind it, so perhaps think about why he might feel towards you as he does?

Good luck with the move, and the job hunting and baby

Thanks for the posts! And for your good wishes.
I was annoyed that DM told me, Ms23, but she said it like: 'DB said he knows people in DH's profession, so I think you should get in touch with him' [or something like that!] I responded 'Really?? He does? Why hasn't he messaged DH and told him? He knows we're looking for work' DM replied 'When I suggested he contact DH he said, 'No, if they want my help they'll have to ask for it.' So I think you're going to have to chase it up with him.'
I then went a little ballistic, and DM was seriously taken aback. I think she's so used to DB being 'difficult', she couldn't see the problem with what he'd suggested. Was she shit-stirring?? I really don't think so. It's possible. But unlikely.
Alibababaa, I said in one of my posts that I am the favourite. My DB is very difficult, critical, moody, and unpleasant at times. I'm pretty sunny and good natured. It can be the case that it's hard for parents to really enjoy chatting on the phone/ hanging out with a particular child if that 'child' (in his 40s) is liable to go off on one. So I admit, DM favours me, in that when I'm around, we go out for coffee, clothes shopping, lots of girl stuff. I'm her daughter - we talk about lots of domestic bits and pieces, in which he is totally disinterested.
She also worries terribly about my DB (his health, his stress levels etc), talks about him all the time and loves him dearly. She's a baby sitter on tap, and generous financially. He's just bloody hard work!

It goes to show how perception and previous history affect how we see the same thing. My first thought reading this was that maybe your mum might be of the interfering type and your brother was making it clear that if you'd wanted help you'd have asked for it. It didn't occur to me that he was the problem.

I guess that comes from me having to deal with overbearing PIL in the past!

Without the "he's an awkward arse" context I wouldn't have thought anything of this, really. It's a bit over-formal and not very proactive, but I wouldn't expect a relative I wasn't particularly close to (which you're not by the sound of it) to anticipate my needs in that way. Certainly wouldn't have "gone ballistic" over it. You sound very stressed.

You also, if I'm honest, sound a teensy bit determined to keep him in a "jealous, awkward person" box, and keen to demonstrate that your own "favoured" status is justified. Maybe he is, and maybe it is, I don't know. But this incident doesn't sound particularly damning to me.

Ask for help then. I think you are seeing problems where none exist. What your mother relayed is nothing daming about your brother. Its your reaction that is OTT.

It is not normal to think that being able to shop/have girly chat with your DM means she "favours" you. I do this with my DM, doesn't mean she favours me over my brother! They just have a different dynamic and are into different stuff together. Just like I am with my dad.

So I think the "favouring" needs to be dissociated from the particular type of bond you have with your parents. The favouring has happened anyway, it isn't down to personality, or tastes, or hobbies.

ditto IamGluezilla, mynewpassion and MadBusLady

and yes your DM was shit stirring.

I hope to encourage my DC to share their own news with each other rather than depend on updates from me.

Sounds begrudging, like he doesn't want to help or maybe he's a little controlling and wants to see you ask instead of doing you a good turn. Sounds like there could be underlying issues, jealousy maybe? Do you have a good relationship otherwise?

And also, why are people asking you why your moving away with no job and a baby on the way??? WTF has it got to do with this post or with them, you don't have to explain yourself for Christs sakes!

Thanks for more posts guys.
When I said in my OP that Dh and I were a bit at the end of our tethers, that was another way of saying we're stressed, MadBusLady! So your observation is totally correct, and had already been made by me. I can't think of many people who wouldn't be in our situation!? If so, massive hats off to them. This has the potential to be a great adventure, but like everyone who's leaping into the (largely) unknown, it's pretty bloody scary!
I think my DBs is the one who's made me feel like DM doing mother daughter stuff with me is proof I'm being favoured. He used to seriously object to me wearing DMs clothes/ shoes when we were teens (he's older), I used to try and get out without him seeing, if I borrowed her boots or a scarf or something, otherwise I'd cop an earful. I've always felt on eggshells around him, he used to beat the crap out of me as a kid, which I never told my parents, as I was afraid he would get into trouble.
There's so way I would hold DB responsible for DH's lack of a job! DH will be fine, he's had a positive response this evening and things are moving forward, thank god! As capsium suggested, I think that it's unlikely DB could do anything for him anyway, and was just blowing off. What I was pretty surprised at is DB's 'I could help, but am not going to go out of my way' assertion. If you can't be arsed helping, fine. But it seems a bit mean to bother to articulate the fact that you can't be bothered. Anyway, I'm over it now, particularly as DH has had some good news. So things are looking up for us, and my stress levels are diminishing... Thanks again for your insights.